A Novel Idea.

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I’m currently working on a novel that I’ve found is an amazing way to express years of thoughts trapped otherwise with no means of release.

I keep starting and stopping.

I find myself wincing at the thoughts these words bring back.

And feelings that I thought I had long forgotten.

I feel as those these characters are alive in my mind all the time.
That I don’t want to place them through these ordeals that I have to in order to get all of these frustrated thoughts out of my head.

I know it’s just fiction… but it’s such a massive part of my heart and damaged soul that I’m putting on display.

How do I find the strength to keep going when I just want to let go of that part of my life?

Damn Girl… Where’d You Get Dem Genes?

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[apologies i haven’t posted for a few days… I have been incredibly sick with Gastro… you know it makes me angry that I’ve had to sit through vomiting non stop the last three days, and I haven’t lost any weight… or gained abs of steel from the constant up/down that vomiting causes… that should be compensation for being sick and having to miss out on booty calls… but no… douche bag genes/dna don’t help me in any way]

As I was lying in bed this morning, thinking about how irresistibly sexy I am in the morning with my red wine and coffee breath, body odour and greasy hair, I recalled a conversation I had with a good friend a couple of years ago about genes.

We, quite vainly, were discussing how you look at some parents and try and figure out how their children got so hot, when they clearly had passed their heyday (if they had one).  Obviously genes sometimes skip a generation or some are fortunate enough to get the ‘good genes’ from their parents DNA.

Miranda Kerr certainly didn't inherit alot of physical traits from her father (standing next to her brother, left, father and mother on right)

Miranda Kerr certainly didn’t inherit alot of physical traits from her father
(standing next to her brother, left, father and mother on right)

I’m incredibly lucky to have been blessed with my fathers genes.  My pale, ghost-white, acne ridden skin, manly body odour, fat nose, short eyelashes, thick, coarse eyebrows and terrible breath are things that I just couldn’t be happier to have…. On top of this, I assume it will get better with age as my dad’s nose rivals that of any aboriginal Australian, his lips have shrunk to non-existence, his belly has grown (we always joke he is just pregnant) and his eyes are so squinted you could confuse him for an Asian.  Being the female re-incarnation of my dad is also great as my dad has ridiculously hairy nipples, which I assume I will soon get and will have to pay a shit load of money to either have IPL to get them laser removed or go through the painful process of plucking them out individually every few days….

See my dad is your typical anglo saxon mosquito who feels the need to infect the human race by bringing 6 children into this world, 4 of whom thoroughly inherited his wonderful genes.  But out of the my 6 siblings – I am the most like my father, I drew the fricken short straw.  My mother on the other hand, although she may be crazy with too many illnesses to list, was born in the Solomon Islands so has the most beautiful olive skin.  She’s not an ‘Islander’ as such, both her parents are anglo-saxon as well, but I have a theory that my Nanna had an affair because my mother is the only one in her whole family with this beautiful skin tone.

One of my little brothers was blessed with her genes.  He had a beautiful head of curly blonde hair when he was younger and dimples – he was basically the male version of Shirley Temple.

Pick the one who go the good genes (oh.. by the way that kid in the background isn’t trapped in a cage… she’s our next door neighbour who photobombed us)

Oh and don’t worry there’s more – he has a tan most girls would risk cancer to get, eyelashes that I would have to pay $120 a month to pretend were natural, and an amazing metabolism which allows him to drink up to 7 beers a night, eat fast food every day and doesn’t require him to work out more than once a week for him to maintain his abs of steel and lean physique.

And the real kicker is he doesn’t even know he’s attractive!! My friends, my little sisters friends and random girls are always gushing over how gorgeous he is – but he stays inside playing Dota 2 on his computer 6 nights of the week!

I’m sorry – but if I was naturally that good looking, I would be out sleazing my way through as many other good looking people as possible – or I would hit up Paul Walker or Gerard Butler for a marriage proposal…

Look - he's even dressed for our wedding!

Look – he’s even dressed for our wedding!

I don’t meant to get all Hitler now, but sometimes I dream of a world where only good looking people reproduce – a world where I wouldn’t have ended up with this shit set of genes.  A world where I wouldn’t have to resort to makeup, eyelash extensions, fake tans, eyebrow waxing and IPL just to look acceptable in public.  I mean… if everyone was phsyically attractive then people wouldn’t have to compete on looks and so people would be challenged to make themselves attractive via other means – like bettering their education or being a more charitable.

However, this world doesn’t exist, and instead of being pessimistic, woe-is-me (I was born on a Wednesday so actually I’m full of woe) I’ll try my best to see the light (not the actually sun light – my wonderful anglo saxon genes mean my skin burns within 2 minutes of being in the sun) in the situation.

Although I may not have been blessed with an amazing phsyical appearance … at least I have my genes to thank for my …. OCD, depression, anxiety, border line personality, low self esteem, lack of ability to finish anything i start… wide hips, shit metabolism, thick hair, short stature, hairy nipples… .

you know what…. screw it.. I’m done…

FUCK YOU DNA!!

Dogs > Humans

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dedicated to Blaze – 28.12.2011 – 01.08.2013

One of my Facebook friends shared an article recently titled ’15 Signs That You Are Obsessed With Your Dog’, as if to say that is a bad thing or unhealthy and that I need help.  At first, I was in denial… and also a little mortified that someone thought it was ok to post this on a single girls Facebook wall (thanks for the major cock block, jerk).

But then when I read the article I realised that I’m not in denial.  I am obsessed with my dog and for damn good reason.  For a long time I have thought that dogs are just exceptionally better than most humans I meet.   I know my dog is by far better than any male I’ve ever dated particularly my ex who religiously told me she wasn’t allowed to sleep in the bed, that she is not a baby and always spoke to her like she had committed a crime.

After becoming mum to my beautiful ginger Border Collie, Josie, almost 2 years ago, and my darling lemon Border Collie, Blaze, I felt love and responsibility to be a better person solely because I now had two new souls to look after that deserved me to be the best I could be.

Be the person

I also  realised that maybe I should go back to my law degree for the fact that I could rebut every point in this article like I was OJ Simpsons lawyer.  Here it is.

Story time...

Story time…

1. You Talk To Them When No One Is Around
The old saying is that ‘talking to yourself is the first sign of madness’.  Well, guess what – I’m not mad.  I have a one up on all you crazies who talk to yourself, because I actually am talking to someone else… Isn’t this great? If you are mad/crazy/insane, and are talking to yourself, buy yourself a dog – and no matter the conversation topic if someone overhears you, you can just say “oh.. haha .. that was just me talking to good old Rufus”.   It’s totally acceptable in my eyes.

Oh yeah... she got plenty of 'TALKING TO' after this incident!

Oh yeah… she got plenty of ‘TALKING TO’ after this incident!

2. You’re Actually Pretty Sure Your Dog Is A Person
Look – I’m not saying she is… but she has a tendency to sit like a human (hooman) and she tries to talk to me in her (oh row row row tones).  Also, she has been known to wear human jackets and seeing eye glasses.  So… I mean… she kinda is…a person…

Did you know that Border Collies are the smartest breed of dog? Here's the proof..

Did you know that Border Collies are the smartest breed of dog? Here’s the proof..

3. You Have So Many Nicknames For Them
So what? I have nicknames for everything! In fact, I don’t think I’ve met someone in my life who hasn’t had a significant impact that I haven’t given a nickname too – particularly one night stands… (dirty old man, abs galore, McDreamy reincarnated, energizer bunny).  It’s just human to give something a name that isn’t actually it’s name.  And actually Josie only really has two that I use on a regular basis – Josie Moo and Josie McFluffy… so there !

4.  No Dog Can Ever Be As Cute As Yours
Well what about the people with butt ugly Shrek babies who think no baby can be as cute as theirs? hey? My dog is pretty cute and personally I much rather see pics of peoples puppies on FB rather than pics of their ugly baby pulling ugly faces … period.

5. You Can Justify It When They Deny Your Affections 
This is a great thing – how is this is a bad thing? I don’t know how many times I’ve sat there analysing a message from a guy when he hasn’t sent back ‘xox’ or only half kisses me or doesn’t want to have sex with me when I’m drunk to the point of passing out.  At least with my dog if she doesn’t want belly scratches or just glares at me when I try to give her cuddles, I know that it’s ok – she’s just not in the mood.  She’s got things on her mind and maybe she’s tired…  There is no over analysing anything – it’s just ok.

Kisses Josie? .. No? Ok.. You've had a rough day chasing trucks and cars.. I understand

Kisses Josie? .. No? Ok.. You’ve had a rough day chasing trucks and cars.. I understand

6. You Refer To Them As A Member of Your Family
Pretty sure I’m not alone here, otherwise why would the ‘My Family Stickers’ car sticker company create animal stickers?  Also, I will have you know that when she was a puppy I had to take her out to pee and poo like every 3 hours at night! So damn right she’s my baby.

When Daisy (my fur niece) met her Josie (her fur cousin)

When Daisy (my fur niece) met Josie (her fur cousin)

7. You Stare At Your Dog While It Sleeps, Because It’s So Cute
I wouldn’t say stare.. I’d say.. check up on her to make sure she’s still breathing… and is comfy enough… and well because she’s fricken adorable.

Josie was clearly having a dream about getting belly scratches

Josie was clearly having a dream about getting belly scratches

8. People Think You Talk About Them Too Much 
These people don’t have dogs of their own if they have an issue with this. These people think they have ‘lives’ and ‘more important things’ to talk about.. like.. people parties… and people dating… and exercising prisons for people only… pfft

9. You Let Them Walk All Over You
Actually I take my dog to obedience.. and she’s in Grade 3… that bitch respects me and listens to me… but she does every now and then literally walk over me while I’m laying down and fart in my face…(in Josie’s defence, this is not something she learnt not to do in puppy pre-school or obedience)

Proud mum moment - graduation from Grade 1

Proud mum moment – graduation from Grade 1

10. You Take Your Dog On Vacation With You
Ok this happened for the first time this year…. and that was because last time I left both of my dogs at home, my family accidentally killed one… so I have reason to take her with me.  And guess what, the time I took her – I came back and the duck was dead…. not crazy after all

Don't try this at home.. Josie used to hate car rides and would only be calm if she was on my lap..

Don’t try this at home.. Josie used to hate car rides and would only be calm if she was on my lap..

11. You Don’t Hang Out With People Because You Don’t Want Your Dog To Be Alone
This isn’t a common occurrence for me… it’s more like, if I have to hang out with people then Josie comes with me – problem solver-ed..

12. You Are As Excited To Feed Them As They Are To Eat
Food is awesome ? Need I even further my argument here?

13.  You Find It Necessary To Celebrate Your Dogs Birthday
What are you ? The Grinch Who Stole Birthdays? Jeez.. as discussed – dog is family member – dog gets birthday.. It’s just logical…  (Also FB friends, check your events please – I sent an invite out for her birthday in a few weeks time and have had only 1 RSVP… my brother .. who is obliged to go… and only RSVP’d because I hacked his FB account…  I’m making puppy cupcakes!)

14.  You Imagine What It Would Be Like If You and Your Dog Were In Adventure Time
… and… ? The show is awesome… besides, who doesn’t imagine that they and their brother were Thor and Loki… or that you and your wife were Jenna Jamieson and … some lucky dude..

15. You Provide Your Dog With The Same Love and Loyalty It Provides You

Dogs love you unconditionally… they don’t care what you look like, how you smell (unless you smell like meat then they reallly like you) or what you do as career… This is so very rare to find in any other species… Most humans don’t love unconditionally, we are always passing judgement even on our most nearest and dearest loved ones.  So if by being loyal to my dog and loving her and showing my appreciation with treats, walks and adventures means I’m ‘obsessed’ then so be it.

After losing Josie’s best friend and my fur son, Blaze, earlier this year, I realised that dogs are furry angels, here to teach us the meaning of true love if only for a short period of time.  They touch our hearts and souls without even speaking or holding conversation but by simply being in our presence.

RIP My beautiful baby boy. You brought me joy like no male ever has.

RIP My beautiful baby boy. You brought me joy and touched my heart like no male ever has.

Josie has stuck by me through a pretty horrible break up, helped me grieve over the loss of Blaze and helped me get through some of my darkest days with depression simply because she begs me to be a better person by simply loving me.  By loving me unconditionally I have found happiness and joy that I haven’t experienced before.Call me crazy, but I love my dog more than I have ever loved a lot of people I’ve met… she is mine, and I am hers…

 

“People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life – like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right? Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay as long.”

my fur angel. my love. my best friend. my dog.

my fur angel. my love. my best friend. my dog.

Sex, Males, God and The Lack of The Female Orgasm [Aug 29, 2009]

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We have always known that males are ‘one of a kind’ animals who, although have ‘claimed’ superiority over women since the dawn of time, STILL struggle to do two things at once and actually tell the truth in the plainest manner… this is particularaly due to their small attention span.

I often wonder, generally after an argument with some male in my life, how females survived in the earliest days of ‘mankind’ or how we pulled through …

More importantly WHY we still haven’t become asexual creatures.. I mean.. if you ask me, give me a battery operated machine and i’m happy… it’s up to me where it goes, how it goes, and there is none of this ‘kiss after a one night stand’ bullshit.. or no feeling of guilt or ANYTHING..

vibrators make the world an easier place..

anyway back on track..

Take for an example a religious stance on this – GOD, the almight who we have always assumed was of masculine form, obviously couldn’t multitask..

when he created mankind – while he was busy creating the female he thought.. hey lets give her boobs.. with nice little pink nipples…

obviously he got carried away with SOME women… and in this process accidentally moved his hand or poked two little pink marshmallows on men aswell – he could’ve removed them.. but by the time he’d stopped having fun with boobies, he completely forgot about males having nipples..

There is NO logical reason males have nipples, this is undeniable…unless you’re going to walk down to the plastic surgeons with a few thousand bucks to have some ‘silicone fun’ injected into you..

i mean.. most religious cynics are questioning why the Dinosaurs died out – i say we question God’s ‘undeniable’ logic or existence, based on the fact that he gave males nipples..

However, we can assume that if God exists, he is a male..

because when he created the almighty sexual interaction between male and female, the explosive, life giving, love making – he ONCE again got carried away with the male orgasm..

It is said that only 30% of females actually experience an orgasm.. (i say it’s only 30% of males that know how to actually have sex)

meanwhile, males are inclined by nature to reach climax everytime.. so they can reproduce..

the theory is that if a male reaches climax everytime, he’ll want to get there again every other time.. so while one chick is half way there and then gets impregnated, the alpha male can roam the village and sex whoever he wants..

however, females are expected to almost get there.. and then keep wanting more..

God realised males had short attention spans – they forget how great an orgasm feels.. and so he needed to make it a reoccuring event everytime they have sex..
and so they don’t question logic why they’d stick their snake into a tight space.. it also can be a reason why some males will stick it wherever..

so you might sometimes question why males are so out of touch with females..

the answer is simple, God decided the male orgasm was more frequent so .. he of course wanted to be in touch with males over females .. i mean.. what ‘greater being’ would REALLY want to experience child birth, period pains, brazillian waxes, menopause, let alone the all too frequent lack of female orgasm!!

and of course what does God have to say to this?
like a typical male he completely avoids topic and does not dictate it in the gospel bible..

so my advice to all ladies out there frustrated at males ..
take it out on God..

grab a vibrator – name it God and do it time and time and time again.. i mean fully reach climax every single time..

that way the dickhead will know how it feels to be used time and time again and not orgasm!!

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Running.

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There was a man once who stole my innocence and broke my heart for the first time.  I wanted his love more than life itself.  I wanted just for him to hold me and tell me that I wasn’t alone.  That this feeling of passion was more than just an aftermath of sex.  He couldn’t. He never did.  And when he was ready to, I couldn’t hear the words.  I couldn’t accept their meaning.  I ran and I’ve been running ever since.

Since then… I’ve had a hard time believing that I was worth love

Call Me Maybe. But Give me an Hour and a Half.

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The other night as I was getting ready for a late night rendezvous, it dawned on me how frustrating it is being a female.

For men, a late night rendezvous maybe involves a shower, spraying a bit of deodorant,  grabbing some condoms and that’s it.

For a female, it’s so much more complicated.

First, the shower, then washing the hair, shaving the legs and any other bits that may need it. (Because lets face it, if you’re up for a late night booty call, it’s probably been a while since your lady bits have had any love or attention).

After the shower, is the tedious task of blow drying the hair, to make it appear as though you naturally have beautifully silky smooth hair.  Then after toning and moisturising the face, there is the long process of applying moisturiser to the rest of the body.

Once we have sprayed ourselves with deodorant and an array of perfumes, we then have to move on to strategically applying make up.  Depending on what kind of rendezvous this is, it can vary, but most of the time at 11.30pm at night, its the kind of make up that gives the impression that you haven’t put any effort in and that your eyelashes really are as black and long as they appear and your skin as flawless as porcelain.

Ok so if that isn’t enough, we then have to figure out what lingerie – once again, many considerations to be had here… and although the granny undies with bunnies on them are cute and comfy, if there is one thing women have learnt it is, BEAUTY IS NOT COMFORTABLE… therefore the silky kind of panties get a special thought along with any skimpy g string and whether you decide to wear a bra or not really depends what goes on over the top.  Normal clothes? A satin night gown? nothing? See if it was up to me and I didn’t care so much about my appearance before sex, I would totally go with my oversize Peter Alexander nightie… but… apparently cuddly little animals and pink and yellow just aren’t sexy enough to appeal to my inner vixen.

By the time this whole process is through you’ve spent the better part of 2 hours for what is probably going to be a maximum of half an hour of pleasure, if that.

Although I’m not saying it’s not worth it, hey the big O is worth whatever it takes…

Then I have the concern of the morning after… if I’m going to put in this much effort for a night of pleasure, why would I go and waste  it all in the morning… as discussed already, I snore… I’m pretty sure I dribble on myself.. and I look like a drugged up prostitute in the morning at my BEST.

So the question is  – who are we doing this for?  I like to think myself, because there is no way I would ever go to that much effort for a guy.  Hell ask any of my exes… after I’ve got him, the tracky dacks come out, the hair is always in a messy bun and if I can avoid brushing my teeth for an extra 5 minutes in the morning, I WILL damnit!

When it comes to casual sex though, I like to feel sexy, I like to look sexy and I like a guy to be begging me for my touch.  Whether I look like Kate Upton or Susan Boyle… I’m not sure.. but I feel sexy and that’s what matters (I think).

But there are some days, I just feel so deflated… I don’t want to have to go to this much effort just so I feel worthy of having sex with another human being.  I almost want a home delivery service of oral pleasure and sex. One that requires very little input by me and requires no conversation.  One where I can just lay in bed, eat a bowl of ice cream during the foreplay then orgasm, go to sleep and wake up fresh and in my comfiest underwear and jarmies.

Maybe this is a business venture someone should invest in?

Home delivered sex and ice cream.


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Maybe You’ll Remember While I Forget [Dec 28, 2009]

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I keep writing these words

and everytime i try to send

my fingers find the ‘back’ button far too enticing..

the little cursor finds the box with a cross a temptress

…highlighted, the words all vanish with a quick tap of any key

so why can’t i just beg for more?
why is my head too stubborn to let my heart win this one time?
maybe it’s because i heard that song hoping you’d arrive and save me from the truth that was flirting with my drunk mind

maybe it’s because you never really met me halfway or further than that…
and yes – it was too much to ask of you.

i keep deleting your number – only to add it back into my phone a moment later

i keep thinking it’s time to call

to see how you are

my heart is almost as stubborn… she won’t let go of this, and slowly she’s trying to convince the rest of me to ask you one simple question

my head won’t be so foolish

i just need to hold on to what i know

and obviously it’s not your mind

it’s not your heart

it’s not the soul i saw in your eyes
or the hope your smile gave me

it’s not in your kiss

it’s not anymore a part of me

i’m going back to that person i know best

the one that didn’t let you in for such a long time

the person who kept finding flaws in you

the person who found all the right words to hurt you

the person who was strong enough to turn you away

maybe then
you’ll remember
and

i’ll just forget you

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