The Rules of Self Preservation

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What I am about to write will be quite blunt, but will help me address a couple of issues that are troubling my mind at present.

I have a strong belief in the ‘don’t punch above your weight’ rule. While most people think this applies mostly to men, I think it should just apply to the whole world to save everyone a bit of heart break and to ensure self preservation.

makeup-before-after-vandreev-6

Lately there have been a lot of photos circulating on FB of ‘before and after’ shots of girls with and without make up. It is for this reason that I’m a strong believer in the don’t punch above your weight scenario for girls. As girls, we can get fake tans, fake eyelashes, change our hair colour and length at any given point and cover our faces in a shit load of make up as well as getting breast implants or just wearing a good bra that makes your boobs looks twice as big as they are.

So for this reason, while I love getting dolled up to the extreme, I make sure that when I am on a mission to hook up with someone, I am pretty selective solely for the fact that if that person is a lot more attractive than me, and they wake up next to me and realise that I’m more Shrek than Princess Fiona,  I don’t want to be involved in any suicide or even homicide investigations.  This has been working fine for me for quite some time.

Shrek vs Princess Fiona

Shrek vs Princess Fiona (totally sorry if this is anyone’s mum)

Ok this is the bit where people accuse me of being shallow and rah rah rah.  STOP IT NOW! I’m not shallow, but everyone can admit that they know when someone is extremely attractive and when someone isn’t.  So 9 times out of 10 if given the chance to talk a really attractive guy or an average looking guy, I will go for the average looking guy, because that is on par with who I am.  It means that I won’t be panicking when I’m around them or questioning how good their eyesight is.

And yes, love is more than skin deep – but you don’t immediately get attracted to someone’s personality. How many guys have you ever heard say, “Man, I’d love to have a go at that personality” – it’s usually “personalititties”  that will draw men in.  If you’re not physically attracted to someone, or have no chemistry then you’re most likely not even going to get the chance to know that person beyond a ‘friend’, if that.

So this habit of being very selective and only hooking up with people who I don’t think will mind waking up to Shrek, originally started as a means to an end of being broken hearted and also because who doesn’t like knowing they can get what they want.  While I’m not proud of this, it has worked quite well over the last five years.  Well when I say well, I mean I’ve had fun and I haven’t had to deal with too many douche bags when I’ve had the ball in my court. I can usually just call it quits when I realise I’m more attracted to that person as a friend than anything else.

BUT the issue with this is, when you actually do see someone that you think is drop dead gorgeous and way out of your league, and then make the mistake of it getting out in the open – you almost immediately become the most socially awkward person alive and find yourself going in for a ‘hug’ instead of a kiss, and tripping over yourself several times, then getting blind drunk to boost your confidence levels.

ROOKIE ERROR I have recently had the joy of making.

I have rules for a reason.

I think we all have to be self aware of who we are and what we want at any given point.  For this reason, I have been a very good and careful girl lately.

But the issue is, when you get drunk, you kinda let these rules slip and next minute yourwaking up covered in your own drool, with a sore throat because you’ve been probably snoring all night with smudged make up that makes you look like a Marilyn Manson fan.  NOT A PRETTY PICTURE.

Ok, if anyone looks this glamorous when hungover - I hate you.

Ok, if anyone looks this glamorous when hungover – I hate you.

The worst part is the obligation to continue to pretend like there is anything more to a drunken hook up, then … well that… I don’t think I’ve ever heard of any relationship ever starting from a drunk hook up. EVER.  (please correct me if I’m wrong). I suppose because I like to believe in being honest and straight forward, how the events after a drunken hook up should occur are as follows:

1.  Both admit you were drunk

2.  Accept that it is happened

3.  Run away crying like a child because once again you have proven that your self worth is not very high, and you’re just going to be that persons regret/mistake.

Ok, in all seriousness –

3. Accept that sex is sex, and that is it – no more, no need to continue talking when there is no chance that anything will ever eventuate apart from more drunken shenanigans which will result in someone being hurt in the end.

4.  Move on, get drunk and repeat (no.. don’t do this… bad idea)

The issue is, this doesn’t happen most of the time.  Being intimate with someone is a big thing whether you view it that way or not.  I think you reach a point where you want to be intimate with only someone who means something to you or will mean something to you.

So most often, there will be a drag on effect where one or both parties keep in contact or keep hinting that there is a possibility of something else, when in reality is was just a one night stand and that was it.  The minute you accept that this is not going any further, you will most likely stop playing the stupid ‘dating rules’ (i.e don’t text first, wait half an hour before replying, seem uninterested) and will let a whole struggle that probably wasn’t worth it, go.

This is the key to self preservation.

– Don’t hook up with someone who is much, much more attractive than you naturally (yes without make up and fake tan and the rest)

– Don’t continue talking to that person if they fit in the above description

– Love who you are and what you look like and accept that one day, someone may come along (may being the operative word here) and won’t care about the make up, clothes, shoes, drooling and snoring…

– If this doesn’t work, buy a dog… or two .. or three… to keep you company and love you unconditionally

– Invest in a good porn site and sex toys to pass over the long days of no male company because you’re too scared to talk to anyone you’re attracted to because you may end up being hurt or you may let someone in

if this doesn’t work

just become a prostitute.. bam problem solved!

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Me in about 50 Years Time


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