Damn Girl… Where’d You Get Dem Genes?


[apologies i haven’t posted for a few days… I have been incredibly sick with Gastro… you know it makes me angry that I’ve had to sit through vomiting non stop the last three days, and I haven’t lost any weight… or gained abs of steel from the constant up/down that vomiting causes… that should be compensation for being sick and having to miss out on booty calls… but no… douche bag genes/dna don’t help me in any way]

As I was lying in bed this morning, thinking about how irresistibly sexy I am in the morning with my red wine and coffee breath, body odour and greasy hair, I recalled a conversation I had with a good friend a couple of years ago about genes.

We, quite vainly, were discussing how you look at some parents and try and figure out how their children got so hot, when they clearly had passed their heyday (if they had one).  Obviously genes sometimes skip a generation or some are fortunate enough to get the ‘good genes’ from their parents DNA.

Miranda Kerr certainly didn't inherit alot of physical traits from her father (standing next to her brother, left, father and mother on right)

Miranda Kerr certainly didn’t inherit alot of physical traits from her father
(standing next to her brother, left, father and mother on right)

I’m incredibly lucky to have been blessed with my fathers genes.  My pale, ghost-white, acne ridden skin, manly body odour, fat nose, short eyelashes, thick, coarse eyebrows and terrible breath are things that I just couldn’t be happier to have…. On top of this, I assume it will get better with age as my dad’s nose rivals that of any aboriginal Australian, his lips have shrunk to non-existence, his belly has grown (we always joke he is just pregnant) and his eyes are so squinted you could confuse him for an Asian.  Being the female re-incarnation of my dad is also great as my dad has ridiculously hairy nipples, which I assume I will soon get and will have to pay a shit load of money to either have IPL to get them laser removed or go through the painful process of plucking them out individually every few days….

See my dad is your typical anglo saxon mosquito who feels the need to infect the human race by bringing 6 children into this world, 4 of whom thoroughly inherited his wonderful genes.  But out of the my 6 siblings – I am the most like my father, I drew the fricken short straw.  My mother on the other hand, although she may be crazy with too many illnesses to list, was born in the Solomon Islands so has the most beautiful olive skin.  She’s not an ‘Islander’ as such, both her parents are anglo-saxon as well, but I have a theory that my Nanna had an affair because my mother is the only one in her whole family with this beautiful skin tone.

One of my little brothers was blessed with her genes.  He had a beautiful head of curly blonde hair when he was younger and dimples – he was basically the male version of Shirley Temple.

Pick the one who go the good genes (oh.. by the way that kid in the background isn’t trapped in a cage… she’s our next door neighbour who photobombed us)

Oh and don’t worry there’s more – he has a tan most girls would risk cancer to get, eyelashes that I would have to pay $120 a month to pretend were natural, and an amazing metabolism which allows him to drink up to 7 beers a night, eat fast food every day and doesn’t require him to work out more than once a week for him to maintain his abs of steel and lean physique.

And the real kicker is he doesn’t even know he’s attractive!! My friends, my little sisters friends and random girls are always gushing over how gorgeous he is – but he stays inside playing Dota 2 on his computer 6 nights of the week!

I’m sorry – but if I was naturally that good looking, I would be out sleazing my way through as many other good looking people as possible – or I would hit up Paul Walker or Gerard Butler for a marriage proposal…

Look - he's even dressed for our wedding!

Look – he’s even dressed for our wedding!

I don’t meant to get all Hitler now, but sometimes I dream of a world where only good looking people reproduce – a world where I wouldn’t have ended up with this shit set of genes.  A world where I wouldn’t have to resort to makeup, eyelash extensions, fake tans, eyebrow waxing and IPL just to look acceptable in public.  I mean… if everyone was phsyically attractive then people wouldn’t have to compete on looks and so people would be challenged to make themselves attractive via other means – like bettering their education or being a more charitable.

However, this world doesn’t exist, and instead of being pessimistic, woe-is-me (I was born on a Wednesday so actually I’m full of woe) I’ll try my best to see the light (not the actually sun light – my wonderful anglo saxon genes mean my skin burns within 2 minutes of being in the sun) in the situation.

Although I may not have been blessed with an amazing phsyical appearance … at least I have my genes to thank for my …. OCD, depression, anxiety, border line personality, low self esteem, lack of ability to finish anything i start… wide hips, shit metabolism, thick hair, short stature, hairy nipples… .

you know what…. screw it.. I’m done…



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