From The Bottom of My Heart

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I know I said I was going to continue writing whilst drunk last night, but the truth is – I said some pretty nasty things to someone I love dearly and ended up drinking myself into oblivion to deal with my mistakes.

I have gone through my fair share of shit in my life and due to that, I always have people complimenting me and telling me how strong I am, how successful I am and how passionate I am. In turn, it has caused me to believe that I have “my shit sorted” to an extent and therefore am always giving people advice. However, the people I care about the most I seem to always expect them to be better people – even if their “flaws” aren’t necessarily flaws but different life choices to mine that I don’t necessarily agree with or understand.

I am extremely harsh on the people I love the most. I never thought I was being mean or nasty, but more trying to help them by being brutally honest.

My little sister, my father, my exes and one or two of my beautiful best friends have felt the full brunt of me seeking to “better them”. I have never seen my actions as bad or negative – because most people just get upset, bow down and don’t fight back. Even if I make these people upset, I justify it by saying tough love is the best love. I give them the time they need to process what I have said, and in time accept that they will forget about what I said or will take it on board.

Not until tonight has someone stood up to me and told me how horrible my actions and words are. It was the most eye opening conversation I have had in a long time – maybe all year. I am a hypocrite … I am always talking about bettering yourself, but never take the time to realise that maybe I need to be a better person and be more accepting of differences in people.

I need to take the time to think before I speak and actually treat some people with a lot more respect and understanding than I currently do.

It is much easier in life to sit and judge others rather then judging yourself.

So to those I criticize, judge and try to “better” I promise I will work harder to think about my words and value you based on who you are – not who I want you to be.

To my beautiful best friend who I have bullied, put down and continuously give “advice” – from the bottom of my heart know that I am sorry. I am so incredibly proud of you for standing up for yourself tonight and for being brutally honest with me. Thank you for telling me how it is and for making me realise that I have not been the best friend to you, that you deserve.

You are a beautiful, strong woman who has more to offer than most people I have met. Your strength, courage and determination are admirable. More than anything else, your heart and love you have shown me over the last 7 years of friendship, prove that you are an amazing, beautiful person.

I am so sorry for doubting you and for thinking you needed to be a “better” person. The person you are is truly wonderful. I am so sorry it took me being a nasty person to realise that you are just fine the way you are. There is nothing I would change about you and I’m sorry for thinking that there was.

I love you and am forever grateful for our friendship.

Never change because you are more than good enough.

From the bottom of my heart, I love you and I am sorry.

Letter to My Inspiration

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When I first started writing this blog, I was inspired by one of my favourite authors and bloggers, Jenny Lawson.  I had just finished reading her book when I got out of hospital and thought that she deserved to know how she had touched me (not literally, but metaphorically).

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I wrote an email to her, which I have just re-read and thought Рhell why not share it with everyone.  Also, she may have reported me to border patrol to make sure I am never allowed to enter the US.  Either way, here it is.

Hi Jenny

Firstly I have to address something that I thought was slightly amusing before I sent this email (and just in case you did in fact receive 5 empty emails prior to this). ¬†Gmail decided to let me enter an address and subject but no body of text, and so while I was tabbing I kept tapping the ‘send’ button… I just thought it would be kinda confusing and a tad stalkerish if you received multiple emails with the title, ‘Greetings From Down Under’… I’d almost be checking what my vagina was getting up to. ¬†No need to worry, your vagina hasn’t grown hands and there is no baby sticking out sending you emails, it’s just a fan from Australia sending you a bit of fan love.

Anyway, the purpose for my email was that I wanted to thank you for your wonderful book. ¬†I’m not going to lie, I bought it for about $15 at a book sale solely for the fact that there was a Hamlet mouse on the front and well it sounded like the title of every Sunday morning for me.

Your book really inspired me to start writing again, and there were times where I almost felt as though you were my long lost Texan sister.  I have been dealing with depression, anxiety and border line personality disorder for quite some time and reading your book made me feel like there was at least 1 other person out there just as wonderfully insane as me.

No but seriously, it was a very refreshing honest take on the world and had me in fits of laughter at several occasions. I have read segments of the book to various friends and family members persuading them to read it. ¬†It has been quite successful, apart from my stepmum – who after I read the section about the Harry Potter vagina scar (which I thought was a wise way to entice her to read it, since she’s a huge Harry Potter fan and a nurse…) gave me a roll of the eyes. ¬†When this happened I stated that it’s a great funny book with some very serious and heart felt moments… Later that night she asked what the chapter I was reading was called… You know, at family dinner, it doesn’t sound so normal to say ‘My Vagina Is Fine … Thanks For Asking’.

I’m slowly convincing her to read it… but I think she’s still into that 50 Shades of Grey bullshit over factual stories.

Anyway…. totally off track. ¬†But yes, the point of this email was to thank you for making it easier for me to accept my conditions and give me hope that I will one day find some one who will accept this is who I am and put up with all the crazies.I’ve been writing on and off for the last 6 years or so, and recently decided to start a blog instead of just abusing my facebook rights and to be honest, I can’t lose too many more friends.

I’d be so honored if you would have a look and give me some pointers if you can or any advice on how to get more involved in the writing world.

Kind regards,
Your Fan from down under.. (Australia… not your skirt)
Bek

Dear Santa

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Dear Santa
I know it’s been a while … 18 years or so, I’m sorry I have been having a deep love affair with reality and truth and unfortunately they are quite demanding and controlling.

Anyway I figure since most men in my life are mythical and fictionalized, I should at least acknowledge the first man who I loved and spoilt the shit out of me, even if it was all a lie.

For Christmas this year, I don’t want much. I mean, a Lamborghini Diablo would not go astray – but hey you’re not made of millions and last time I checked you didn’t employ mechanics or engineers.

Right … So what do I want … Well firstly I suppose I want my friends and family to be surrounded by loved ones and be happy. If you don’t provide this, alcohol will suffice though so no biggy.

Secondly, I’d like to be surrounded by loved ones… But that doesn’t really require much input from you considering I live with my big arse family and can’t really escape even if I wanted to.

I suppose materialistically I’d like to lose 5kgs or so. Yeah I know you’re not a PT and frankly could stand to lose a bit more than 5kgs yourself, but see this is where I need a bit of magic because I want to lose this weight specifically from my thighs – T H I G H S not B O O B S. Ok ?

I don’t really need materialistic things to be honest. I’m so fussy that even if you got me something I might want, it’d be the wrong shape, size or colour. ¬†See the issue is that I work so hard to buy everything I want, the things I don’t need I don’t buy or are simply unattainable.

Knowledge would be useful if you could provide that. Knowledge on how not to be a dating retard, would go a long effing way right now… Is there a book out there called, “Calm Your Tits… And Move On” ? If so, that’d be great because I really struggle to understand when someone doesn’t like me and keep pestering them to the point that a restraining order is required.

Otherwise, maybe a cat ? I figure I should start my collection since it’s inevitable I’ll die with 50+ along with a non-existent love life.

Ok this is depressing – maybe that’s why people want material things? Screw it – give me a boob job, the Lamborghini, a new wardrobe of designer clothes and 120 new pairs of shoes … Oh and a new house to fit this all in.

Thanks Santa !

You’re the bomb!

Love

Bek

 

xmas wish

 

Thank You

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I wanted to write a quick few words to say thank you and to maybe inspire a few more people to be honest and open about their situations in life.

I’m a very open person, yes there are things I keep private and I don’t share every detail or thought or emotion on this blog. ¬†However, I’m a big believer in the more honest you are with yourself and the people around you – the happier you will be as you won’t be trying to keep a tally of who you have and haven’t told, or pretending to be someone who you are not.

Earlier this year, I made it public via Facebook that I was dealing with depression and anxiety and had been dealing with this for a very long time. ¬†Unfortunately, things reached a peak this year after bullying in the workplace, my relationship broke up, my dog dying and the loss of a dear friend who I hadn’t made the time for since school. ¬†I was at breaking point and didn’t want to fight anymore.

Life is a bitch a lot.. One day I’ll write a book about the struggles I’ve been through in a hope that more people can relate and will have the confidence to understand that life goes on regardless of what happens when you’re a child, teen or adult. ¬†We all face struggles on a daily basis and yes, sometimes things are almost unbearable and it is beyond understanding how we will ever get through.

When I reached this point, I started writing again.. Writing was a way for me to get things out in the world and feel as though my mind and trapped thoughts were free. ¬†I don’t share a lot of my darker, deeper thoughts as quite frankly, they might make me seem like Batman (I am kinda super awesome like him).

But writing is a way to see the lighter things in life too – I always try to make fun of myself and point out my flaws because I was so sick of running from them or trying to change myself to fit into society’s standards. ¬†I am socially awkward, I over complicate things, I think way too much and I am a romantic who always sees the best in people and gets excited even over a simple smiley face.

The truth is, I love who I have discovered in this last year.  It has by far been the hardest time of my adult life but it has also taught me that I am strong, that I am loved and that I am capable of being a good person.

The best part is, with my writing, I never knew other people actually ever read it or enjoyed it.  With you reading this, it means more to me than you will ever know.  So I wanted to say thank you for taking this journey with me and for giving me hope to keep doing something I absolutely love.

More importantly, I wanted to say thank you to those who have come forward and told me what my writing means to them and how I have helped.  Your words have touched me to my core.  It hurts me to know that there are these beautiful people who are also feeling the horrible wrath of depression, but it brings me so much joy knowing that my words have helped you in one way or another.

In closing, never be afraid to be yourself.  The people around you will either love you regardless, learn to love you or leave.  I have the most beautiful people surrounding me and in my heart on a daily basis and I would not have gotten this far without them.  So remember, you are never alone Рlife can suck big dirty balls, but it can also be pretty amazing if you let it

xox Bek

“Hey, u probably don’t remember me from school but I was a couple of grades below u, and I just wanted to say that I have been going through severe anxiety and depression for as long as i can remember and until I read some of ur posts I never had the strength to get help, even from the people closest to me, so I guess I just wanted to say thanks”

J.B

“There have been a few times I‚Äôve wanted to say this but never have‚Ķ I usually backspace it all because I don‚Äôt want to come across as a stalky creeper and I‚Äôm also not sure if I‚Äôm ready for anyone else to know about my mental health issues‚Ķ but I guess the reason I‚Äôm finally telling you is because I think that maybe you would want to know, and because I‚Äôve been wanting to thank you for a while.

Back when you used to write notes frequently I really enjoyed reading them and being able to see how you view the world. Long story short, your words helped me to recognise the parts of myself I suppressed… you were one of the first people who helped me to analytically question what my brain was telling me and in the end put myself on track to work towards a happier/healthier mindset. So, even though you didn’t know it, you helped me, a lot. Thank you.

I‚Äôm glad you‚Äôre going to make an effort to write again. While you should only ever write for yourself.. Know that there are people who benefit from your openness/bravery, when you don‚Äôt even realise it.”

S.A

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Hindsight

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You know when you do something, you feel really good, you’re in a state of euphoria and you’re so excited you can’t wait to tell the world. ¬†But then, you tell a select few people and as you’re retelling the story you start to realise the amount of stupid things you said, the moments you wish you could take back and basically that awesome feeling you had all day turns into a massive feeling of regret.

So I had a date last night, and this morning and all day I was feeling really good, like I’d finally met a guy who ticked all the boxes and more than that, he was INTERESTED IN ME! This has never happened before and it had me smiling all day. ¬†But then I went to tell my parents about it and a couple of my girlfriends, and I sat there and realised that if this guy asks me back for more, he is clearly just as crazy as me… because the amount of things I said and did that I shouldn’t have are just … insane…

First things first, we met a few nights ago… when we were drinking.. at a club.. so yeah, not the ideal place to meet someone and I have ALWAYS said that I would never date anyone I met out clubbing just because chances are they only want one thing. ¬† Our conversation started with me saying to him, “Are you fucking serious?” as I had been waiting for quite a while to get served, and he just walked on up and got served straight away. ¬†I then said, “Do I need to have a dick to get a drink around here?”. ¬†Yeah.. Charming.. I know.. I’m pretty sure when Cinderella met Prince Charming she didn’t swear twice in the first sentence or talk about penises….

Anyway, the night went on and we were talking quite a bit and it became obvious that he was just as socially awkward and drunk as me… particularly when after the third or fourth drink together, he said “I like you now” as he put down his glass… I responded with, “well that’s nice to know that you only have to get drunk to like me..” He profusely apologised and said what he meant was that he felt confident enough now to admit that he liked me.

A few days passed and we were texting, but I realised I had no recollection of his name; though I could remember his two dogs names were Rosie and Rover… So a dear friend of mine hatched a brilliant plan… She texted him, using a wrong name and asked if he was coming to a party on the weekend – he responded and said his name wasn’t Dave and was in fact Kevin.. brilliant I say… and with a bit more information she found him on Facebook – this took all of 10 minutes.. I think she should consider working for the NSA or ASIO. ¬†Bitch has got stalking down pat!

So last night on our date, not only was I running half an hour late, but I just couldn’t for the life of me get my hair to look nice while sitting out – so I did it up in a tight ballerina bun and looked like an uptight bitch in my opinion. ¬†I wanted to go for fun and carefree but got stuck with corporate dork look.

After a few casual drinks, we went for dinner at a lovely but overpriced restaurant with words you can’t pronounce. ¬†We joked about this and both went for the only thing on the menu with words we could understand – “Poached king salmon, finger lime, labna steamed greens, pan juices” turned into “ooh that’s Salmon! .. of some sort… that will do”. I responded with, “or fingers…”

After dinner and wine, we moved into a nice little bar that felt like it belonged in Melbourne or ¬†Brooklyn .. definitely not Mackay. ¬†We sat and talked when drink after drink came my topic of conversation changed to the few things I knew about Ireland.. like.. the IRA … which is the equivalent of going on a date with a German and talking about the Nazis…

The only other thing I really know about Ireland is St Patrick’s day, so you can imagine how enthralling the conversation was .. ¬†oh .. and then I told him how I have always said that when I’m ready to get married, I’d travel to Ireland and Scotland to find the love of my life… talk about jumping to conclusions early on in the night.. I might as well have proposed to him then and there …

The night wasn’t overly bad – but it just showed me that I really am not that great at socializing with people when I am pretty sure they are the bees knees…

I ended up getting quite drunk and rambling on about who knows what – pretty sure babies and kids were brought up though. The other thing is, when I drink a bit – I get into a bad habit of imitating people’s accents. I have learnt that this isn’t “cute” but actually quite rude. So the poor lad not only spent too much money on my dinner and copious amounts of alcohol but he had to listen to hours of shit banter and me saying “eee teteee potatoes” all night.

And I wonder why I am single

Why We Date…

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As a female, I feel like I’m genetically inclined to say that I’ve always dreamt of a Prince Charming who will whisk me away for a night on a gondola, whilst he plays John Mayer on his acoustic and arouses all of my senses, whilst feeding me calorie free champagne and cheese.

Don’t get me wrong… I totally wouldn’t say no to that, but chances are, after we made average sex I would lay awake wishing I was home cuddled up in bed by myself and a good Audrey Hepburn movie. ¬†I would leave without leaving my number, unless he was amazing – then I would be all up for the booty call, but if he was average… I’d leave without a trace and be sure to take my glass slipper with me.

The truth is, maybe three years ago, I was the girl who dreamt of getting married and having ten beautiful ginger babies, and riding into the sunset on a golden chariot.  But as I get older and some what wiser, I become a lot more cynical.  I also realised that my chances of meeting the one who would put up with me are increasingly slim.

I tried dating again at the start of this year, and actually haven’t been on a date since about February .. which would normally be a sin for a single girl, but to be honest, it hasn’t phased me at all. ¬†After going on a couple of pretty average dates, it made me question why we bother dating at all?

I mean, why spend $100 + on food, drinks, movies just to figure out if this person is worthy mating with?
I don’t even know if I want to reproduce, or if I even should – let alone if someone else wants to make babies with me – Ultimately that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? ¬† Searching the world for a soul to make you feel less lonely at night.. and to .. reproduce with.

No one wants to be alone, but I feel pretty secure with my puppy, friends and family around me so don’t really feel that I have a lot of space for some stinky, sweaty, man bear to invade my bed and snore all night. ¬†So why would I bother dating when I’m not even ready for the progression of dating to a relationship? ¬†Why would I bother wasting my time… But for arguments sake, say I decided to actually go on a date with someone.

If I want to date someone I’m in two different mind sets; part of me wants the all out romantic candle lit dinner but the other part just wants pizza, a movie inside and couch sex. ¬†The thought of having to get super dressed up, spending hours on hair and makeup and then crying when I realise I can’t fit into my favourite LBD any more, sometimes is just the start of the traumatic evening. ¬†While the thought of staying in just eating pizza and watching a movie, is good – it can get boring and tiring very easily (not to mention the amount of weight that’d be added). ¬†Sometimes I want to be in public and I want a man to shout me food and drinks and make me feel like he only has eyes for me, even if Miranda Kerr walked right by. ¬†Unfortunately, I don’t even know which mood I might be in by nightfall, just ask my ex, so chances are, whatever you pick will be wrong anyway, and I’ll probably just be wishing for the other.

So say I reach the point where I’m on a date with a guy (don’t laugh… it might happen again one day!) I can guarantee that I’ve already face-stalked them, Googled them and pretty much know everything about them (if I don’t do it, one of my girlfriends will… I’m looking at you Katie). ¬†Which is super fun when you’re trying to make conversation and what they’re telling you, you already know, or you accidentally let it slip that you know that their pet cat’s name when they were three was Mr Foo Foo Bear.. and the following day you have police coming to your house issuing you with a restraining order.

I find that I’m never really honestly myself on the first date or second date anyway. ¬†I mean, I am honest in my answers and conversation, but I have to bite my tongue A LOT to hold in the verbal diarrhoea, you know to avoid telling them about the time I scooped my own pee off the floor. ¬†However, this rarely works and I end up using little one or two line awkward jokes, like… “I feel like I need a dick to get any service around here..” which are never actually funny, usually involve vulgar language and add no value to the conversation.

After being brought up as a strong, independent woman and also dating a string of poor uni students living off centrelink, I’m so used to paying for my dinner or my share of the date that I do not know how to accept that a male might actually want to pay. ¬†So in the process of fighting for the rights to pay, I usually end up offending the poor soul or scaring the shit out of him because he feels as though I didn’t enjoy the date or that I am emasculating him.

Then we move on to the age old debates of ‘do you kiss on a first date’ and ‘how many dates until you get nakey together’. ¬†I’m really shit at reading body language and 9/10 times when a guy leans forward for a kiss I’ll mistake it for a hug and he ends up with a mouthful of my hair. ¬† On top of this, I enjoy sex as much as the next person but don’t really get a lot of it (by choice.. I swear). So if the date has been pretty shit, I’ll probably just want to sleep with them so I at least get something out of it… or if the date is really good, chances are I’ve had one too many red wines and I’ll want to sleep with them because hell, why not?!?

Yeah… back to the start of this blog.. I’ve decided it’s not that I don’t understand the point of dating – I totally get it and it sounds great. ¬†I don’t understand HOW I am meant to be capable of being ‘dated’. ¬†I’m just a relationship retard and dating disaster waiting to happen. ¬†However, practice makes perfect apparently.

So after almost a year of being happily ‘dateless’, I’ve decided to give it another shot… luckily, I’ve already told him the pee story (though he was too drunk to remember) and he is well aware of my verbal diarrhoea so hopefully, he knows what he’s in for.

4 Men

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Here is an ode to the 4 Men who have affected my life this year. 

 

1.  To The One I Had

Firstly let me say that I’m forever thankful that you put up with me for as long as you did. ¬†Years of friendship turned into a beautiful relationship, but lets be honest – it ended for good reason. ¬†You’re a great guy, sure, but you and I are NOT great together. ¬†It’s like watching to bull sharks trying to co-habitate, our conversations generally ended with me saying “YOU JUST THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING, BUT YOU DON’T” and the physical side of our relationship almost became non-existent by the end. ¬†

Part of me wishes and hopes that one day we’ll both change and just happen to be perfect for each other, but I also know this will never happen. ¬†So as much as I miss you at times, I have long accepted the fact that it is over for good. ¬†

From the bottom of my heart I wish you all the best in your life and I hope that you find the love of your life soon.  The days when I felt our love truly at its strongest, I was the happiest I had been in a long time.  You have the biggest heart and helped me through a lot of troubling times.  So I have nothing but respect and love for the person you are and the person I know you will become. 

 

2.  To The One I Almost Had

Every time I see you, I sit there wondering why the hell I didn’t rape you. ¬†Ok, we both know it wouldn’t be rape, but I still don’t know why I held back that day and why I didn’t just give in to temptation. ¬†When I used to describe my ideal guy, he was literally you inside and out. ¬†However, the reality of the situation is that at that point in time, you were having far too much fun with any girl that tickled your fancy. ¬†I could not be another statistic or notch on your belt. ¬†While I still wonder how I was so strong and held back for so long, I know that I have my pride and dignity in tact. ¬†

Frankly, you’re a nice guy but you’re also a bit of douche bag when you want to be and you have a tendency to make me feel like you can see right through me and know that I would like to make 10 babies with you. ¬†With this in mind, I played my cards very carefully, told the right people the right things (i.e that I completely regret ever even kissing those lips and if I could go back I wouldn’t do it) and moved on quite efficiently really.¬†

This has worked to my advantage – because the reality is, you could break my heart into thousands of little pieces which would take me quite a while to recover. ¬†So as much as it may suck listening to all your conquests and seeing how attractive the latest fling is, I also am grateful that I had the strength that day to not be like every other girl you’ve stumbled across.¬†

I will always be jealous of the girl/s who steal your heart, even if for a small fraction of time, because for that moment they were able to see you truly happy and they were the reason. ¬†I don’t know if I’ll ever get a chance to do that again.

 

3.  To The One I Have

The face and name may change, but the presence of this person is constant whilst I’m in between relationships. ¬†You may not be a single person or existent at times, but you help me realise I am stronger than I sometimes give myself credit for. ¬†You make me realise I am in control of the situation and I can leave whenever I want. ¬†I am not bound by some moral obligation nor am I at risk of falling in love. ¬† I love having fun and I love learning about new people, so you my friend, are a great resource. ¬†

While I may not ever want a relationship with you, I do enjoy your company for what it is.  Practice makes perfect right? 

 

4. ¬†To The One I Haven’t Had

I don’t know where you are or if you even exist, but I know that if you do exist, I will love you for everything you are worth.¬†

I may not be ready for you yet, but I know when you appear, it will all make sense. ¬†All the times my heart has been broken and I spent nights asking, “why me?” will all make sense. ¬†

I don’t know what you are like, or where you will appear. ¬†I don’t know if I’ll know straight away like in the movies, or if over time my heart will realise how much it needs you to be happy, for me to be happy. ¬†I don’t even know if I have already met you and maybe time is waiting for us to both grow and mature before we embark on this relationship.¬†

I do know that when I fall in love with someone, I give them my all. ¬†I will love you inside and out, I will love your flaws, your annoying little habits and you will become my addiction. ¬†I can’t wait for the day when I wake up every morning looking into your eyes and feeling so warm inside because I finally have that person who made everything worth while. ¬† The days that will slowly turn into nights as we spend hours upon hours just talking and never getting tired. ¬†The nights drinking red wine upon the sofa, listening to some mellow acoustic rendition whilst cuddling. ¬†I cannot wait to smile endlessly at you just because I have finally found you and eternal happiness.¬†

So wherever you are, I hope you are well.  I hope you are growing and learning.  I hope you have forgiven the past for whatever atrocities it has thrown at you and accepted that you are a stronger and better person for this.  Beyond everything else, I hope that you are happy and are enjoying being young. 

 

For one day, we will have forever… together