Here is an ode to the 4 Men who have affected my life this year.
1. To The One I Had
Firstly let me say that I’m forever thankful that you put up with me for as long as you did. Years of friendship turned into a beautiful relationship, but lets be honest – it ended for good reason. You’re a great guy, sure, but you and I are NOT great together. It’s like watching to bull sharks trying to co-habitate, our conversations generally ended with me saying “YOU JUST THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING, BUT YOU DON’T” and the physical side of our relationship almost became non-existent by the end.
Part of me wishes and hopes that one day we’ll both change and just happen to be perfect for each other, but I also know this will never happen. So as much as I miss you at times, I have long accepted the fact that it is over for good.
From the bottom of my heart I wish you all the best in your life and I hope that you find the love of your life soon. The days when I felt our love truly at its strongest, I was the happiest I had been in a long time. You have the biggest heart and helped me through a lot of troubling times. So I have nothing but respect and love for the person you are and the person I know you will become.
2. To The One I Almost Had
Every time I see you, I sit there wondering why the hell I didn’t rape you. Ok, we both know it wouldn’t be rape, but I still don’t know why I held back that day and why I didn’t just give in to temptation. When I used to describe my ideal guy, he was literally you inside and out. However, the reality of the situation is that at that point in time, you were having far too much fun with any girl that tickled your fancy. I could not be another statistic or notch on your belt. While I still wonder how I was so strong and held back for so long, I know that I have my pride and dignity in tact.
Frankly, you’re a nice guy but you’re also a bit of douche bag when you want to be and you have a tendency to make me feel like you can see right through me and know that I would like to make 10 babies with you. With this in mind, I played my cards very carefully, told the right people the right things (i.e that I completely regret ever even kissing those lips and if I could go back I wouldn’t do it) and moved on quite efficiently really.
This has worked to my advantage – because the reality is, you could break my heart into thousands of little pieces which would take me quite a while to recover. So as much as it may suck listening to all your conquests and seeing how attractive the latest fling is, I also am grateful that I had the strength that day to not be like every other girl you’ve stumbled across.
I will always be jealous of the girl/s who steal your heart, even if for a small fraction of time, because for that moment they were able to see you truly happy and they were the reason. I don’t know if I’ll ever get a chance to do that again.
3. To The One I Have
The face and name may change, but the presence of this person is constant whilst I’m in between relationships. You may not be a single person or existent at times, but you help me realise I am stronger than I sometimes give myself credit for. You make me realise I am in control of the situation and I can leave whenever I want. I am not bound by some moral obligation nor am I at risk of falling in love. I love having fun and I love learning about new people, so you my friend, are a great resource.
While I may not ever want a relationship with you, I do enjoy your company for what it is. Practice makes perfect right?
4. To The One I Haven’t Had
I don’t know where you are or if you even exist, but I know that if you do exist, I will love you for everything you are worth.
I may not be ready for you yet, but I know when you appear, it will all make sense. All the times my heart has been broken and I spent nights asking, “why me?” will all make sense.
I don’t know what you are like, or where you will appear. I don’t know if I’ll know straight away like in the movies, or if over time my heart will realise how much it needs you to be happy, for me to be happy. I don’t even know if I have already met you and maybe time is waiting for us to both grow and mature before we embark on this relationship.
I do know that when I fall in love with someone, I give them my all. I will love you inside and out, I will love your flaws, your annoying little habits and you will become my addiction. I can’t wait for the day when I wake up every morning looking into your eyes and feeling so warm inside because I finally have that person who made everything worth while. The days that will slowly turn into nights as we spend hours upon hours just talking and never getting tired. The nights drinking red wine upon the sofa, listening to some mellow acoustic rendition whilst cuddling. I cannot wait to smile endlessly at you just because I have finally found you and eternal happiness.
So wherever you are, I hope you are well. I hope you are growing and learning. I hope you have forgiven the past for whatever atrocities it has thrown at you and accepted that you are a stronger and better person for this. Beyond everything else, I hope that you are happy and are enjoying being young.
For one day, we will have forever… together