Dear Santa


Dear Santa
I know it’s been a while … 18 years or so, I’m sorry I have been having a deep love affair with reality and truth and unfortunately they are quite demanding and controlling.

Anyway I figure since most men in my life are mythical and fictionalized, I should at least acknowledge the first man who I loved and spoilt the shit out of me, even if it was all a lie.

For Christmas this year, I don’t want much. I mean, a Lamborghini Diablo would not go astray – but hey you’re not made of millions and last time I checked you didn’t employ mechanics or engineers.

Right … So what do I want … Well firstly I suppose I want my friends and family to be surrounded by loved ones and be happy. If you don’t provide this, alcohol will suffice though so no biggy.

Secondly, I’d like to be surrounded by loved ones… But that doesn’t really require much input from you considering I live with my big arse family and can’t really escape even if I wanted to.

I suppose materialistically I’d like to lose 5kgs or so. Yeah I know you’re not a PT and frankly could stand to lose a bit more than 5kgs yourself, but see this is where I need a bit of magic because I want to lose this weight specifically from my thighs – T H I G H S not B O O B S. Ok ?

I don’t really need materialistic things to be honest. I’m so fussy that even if you got me something I might want, it’d be the wrong shape, size or colour.  See the issue is that I work so hard to buy everything I want, the things I don’t need I don’t buy or are simply unattainable.

Knowledge would be useful if you could provide that. Knowledge on how not to be a dating retard, would go a long effing way right now… Is there a book out there called, “Calm Your Tits… And Move On” ? If so, that’d be great because I really struggle to understand when someone doesn’t like me and keep pestering them to the point that a restraining order is required.

Otherwise, maybe a cat ? I figure I should start my collection since it’s inevitable I’ll die with 50+ along with a non-existent love life.

Ok this is depressing – maybe that’s why people want material things? Screw it – give me a boob job, the Lamborghini, a new wardrobe of designer clothes and 120 new pairs of shoes … Oh and a new house to fit this all in.

Thanks Santa !

You’re the bomb!




xmas wish



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