From The Bottom of My Heart

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I know I said I was going to continue writing whilst drunk last night, but the truth is – I said some pretty nasty things to someone I love dearly and ended up drinking myself into oblivion to deal with my mistakes.

I have gone through my fair share of shit in my life and due to that, I always have people complimenting me and telling me how strong I am, how successful I am and how passionate I am. In turn, it has caused me to believe that I have “my shit sorted” to an extent and therefore am always giving people advice. However, the people I care about the most I seem to always expect them to be better people – even if their “flaws” aren’t necessarily flaws but different life choices to mine that I don’t necessarily agree with or understand.

I am extremely harsh on the people I love the most. I never thought I was being mean or nasty, but more trying to help them by being brutally honest.

My little sister, my father, my exes and one or two of my beautiful best friends have felt the full brunt of me seeking to “better them”. I have never seen my actions as bad or negative – because most people just get upset, bow down and don’t fight back. Even if I make these people upset, I justify it by saying tough love is the best love. I give them the time they need to process what I have said, and in time accept that they will forget about what I said or will take it on board.

Not until tonight has someone stood up to me and told me how horrible my actions and words are. It was the most eye opening conversation I have had in a long time – maybe all year. I am a hypocrite … I am always talking about bettering yourself, but never take the time to realise that maybe I need to be a better person and be more accepting of differences in people.

I need to take the time to think before I speak and actually treat some people with a lot more respect and understanding than I currently do.

It is much easier in life to sit and judge others rather then judging yourself.

So to those I criticize, judge and try to “better” I promise I will work harder to think about my words and value you based on who you are – not who I want you to be.

To my beautiful best friend who I have bullied, put down and continuously give “advice” – from the bottom of my heart know that I am sorry. I am so incredibly proud of you for standing up for yourself tonight and for being brutally honest with me. Thank you for telling me how it is and for making me realise that I have not been the best friend to you, that you deserve.

You are a beautiful, strong woman who has more to offer than most people I have met. Your strength, courage and determination are admirable. More than anything else, your heart and love you have shown me over the last 7 years of friendship, prove that you are an amazing, beautiful person.

I am so sorry for doubting you and for thinking you needed to be a “better” person. The person you are is truly wonderful. I am so sorry it took me being a nasty person to realise that you are just fine the way you are. There is nothing I would change about you and I’m sorry for thinking that there was.

I love you and am forever grateful for our friendship.

Never change because you are more than good enough.

From the bottom of my heart, I love you and I am sorry.

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