Failure

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There is a point that some people reach in their life that they understand their value

I understood my value for a long time but medications and hours upon hours of therapy told me I was better than what I thought

I am not

I am a failure through and through
Intelligent… Yes ..

But has this made the world a better place ?

Has this made anyone love me ?

No …

I am a repetitive failure … Over and over and over again

It doesn’t matter how hard I work, how hard I try or how had I fight

I am capable of fucking everything up

I am sex
I am not love
I am not friendship
I am not family

I am a failure through and through and I feel like this is the end

I honestly can’t deal with this any more

The Other Side of The Story

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On Facebook I recently shared an article, ’23 Things To Do Instead of Getting Engaged Before You’re 23′ and I quite honestly could agree with quite a few things mentioned in the article. ¬†I don’t think the article is meant to be taken very seriously, and if it is – I really question (a) how many friends this woman has and (b) if all these friends are much much younger than her. ¬†The reality of the situation is, at the age of 23 many people are getting engaged, married or having babies and you can’t just ‘unfriend’ these people for doing so, or judge them because their life goals and choices may be different to your own. ¬†

A week after posting this article, a person I have a lot of respect for (who is younger than 23 and engaged) reposted the article stating how much it upset her because at the end of the day, everyone’s circumstances are different and not everyone who gets engaged under the age of 23 is doing it because they are ‘rushing in’ or because ‘it’s the thing to do’. ¬†I think she is very brave to post this along with very strong points supporting her argument, on Facebook, more so than me posting it originally… why? well because these days, it’s so much easier for people to sit their and criticize love, youth and marriage than to accept that it might actually happen and some people just are lucky and work hard to have quality relationships at such a young age.¬†

I know I’m terrible at it and it got me thinking that I would really hate for everyone who reads this blog, knows me personally or has me on Facebook, to think that I am on the bandwagon. ¬†Yes, I do spend days upon days judging those ‘in love’ and having ten babies at the age of 18, but most of the time it’s based on insecurities and honestly is not meant to be taken seriously.¬†

 

We used to live in a society where being in love and getting married was the be all and end all of a women’s life. A wedding day was the climax of a young womans life, and everything that followed was to be matrimonial bliss. ¬†Today, we live in a society where ‘feminism’ (don’t get me started) has overrun the world in most instances, and women who get married young, have children young and stay faithful to a man while running the domestic household, are criticized, called weak and pathetic.¬†

 

I’m sorry – but lets just take a step back and discuss where men sit in this picture – oh that’s right, they don’t.. 9/10 men actually don’t care what a woman decides to do with their life as long as she is loving, happy, supportive and enjoys what ever it is she has decided to do. ¬†

Feminism and those who fight in the name of it these days are usually the most sexist people out there either against their own gender when the group of women they choose to chastise don’t have the same life goals, or against men. ¬†They don’t expect women to have traditional gender roles, but take them on a date and you’ll often hear, “I’m not buying my own dinner on a date – that’s a mans job…”¬†

Women spend so much time bashing other women and putting other women down in the name of ‘feminism’ that they forget we are all just human beings with vaginas and feelings and should just be damn grateful that these days we can CHOOSE The lifestyle we lead and won’t get stoned to death for having sex outside of marriage. ¬†Because sex is pretty great if you ask me…¬†

I could spend hours upon hours writing about this, but at the end of the day РI just want one thing to be clear Рthe decisions and choices you make in life are yours and yours alone.  Yes, they may effect other people and murder is never a good choice to make.

However, at the end of the day, maturity isn’t based on how successful you are in your career or how successful your household and marriage is. ¬†In my eyes, maturity is being able to look at things from both sides of the story and being able to make an informed decision – and always accepting that your decision may change as you meet new and different people. ¬†Maturity isn’t grouping people into one stereotype because of their age, gender, relationship status or socio economic background.¬†

It is always so much easier to judge someone, than to understand and accept their views and choices. At the end of the day, their choice is theirs – they will have to deal with… NOT YOU¬†

 

[I am sorry if I have offended anyone with previous posts in regards to being happy and single and rah rah rah.. I am a massive believer in making the most of every situation, so single or in a relationship – I will try to be happy and try to see the light in. ¬†One day, I hope I fall madly in love, be it man or woman, and have that person for the rest of my life. ¬†Right now, that person isn’t here so I will continue to see the light in the situation and better myself and do the things I want to do. ¬†However, when that person comes along, I don’t intend to suddenly stop being myself or give up my ambitions or goals – that person will either accept them and continue to grow as a person themselves and with me, or they will have their mouth sewn shut so they learn to not disagree with me..]¬†

 

Bitter Sweet Truth of Success

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I was watching Meet The Parents: Little Fockers the other night, and found myself defending Jessica Alba’s crazy, driven, young, vibrant, successful but absolutely hopeless in love and dating, twenty something character. ¬†If you haven’t seen the movie, she is a pretty crazy character… and tries to rape Ben Stiller… which in itself does NOT make sense to me…

When I think of my idols, most of them were successful in their own right, and then met either a hardworking man or several, but always seemed to ultimately end up lovelorn.

I know personally, I used to be the kind of person that I always thought once I had a relationship sorted out, the rest of my life would fall into place.  I saw a partner as being a great support network, backbone and motivator for achieving my other goals in life.

However, during my single periods and also after my last boyfriend, I realised that if anything, having a partner (particularly the wrong one) requires a lot of sacrifice of the areas that you are succeeding at otherwise. ¬†All of a sudden it is so easy to shift your focus on to someone, who may not be there in the long run, and it requires you to pay attention and put effort in which takes away from your time spent working hard at your career, hobbies or friends. ¬†Guess what … There is no guarantee that all the hard work and sacrifice you put into a relationship will guarantee marriage or happiness. ¬†In the end, you have to weigh up the time invested vs the risk. ¬†Unfortunately, the volatility of relationships means that there is never a guarantee that the other person will contribute as much or stick around in the long term.

This is where many successful women fall flat on their face. ¬†They can control every other aspect of their life, and usually work their arses off and see success. They take control of their lives and goals and don’t waste time on things that take away from time that could be better spent earning money or prestige. However, when it comes to relationships, being upfront, honest and open about your expectations and wanting a straight answer can often lead to males running for the door as they feel as though they are being put under a lot of undue pressure to know what they want within the first couple of dates. ¬†Men hate having to be honest about their feelings, wants and needs – that and they really don’t know most of the time what they want.

For instance, I’ve worked in my job for 7 days now.. 5 days were 14 hours, 3 were 12 hours long and today is meant to be my day off but I’ve spent all morning planning, on teleconferences and sorting through reports and emails.

It may seem crazy and I guarantee I’m not normally this much of a workaholic, but to be honest, what I contribute to my career and with the hard work I put in – I will see results. ¬†I would rather spend more time at work, then dating, flirting or clubbing. ¬†The reason? Finding a partner and finding a partner that will actually want a relationship with me, is completely out of my control.

It’s taken me a long time to reach this point, but after so many failed relationships, dates etc. ¬†where I spent hours working to only make the other person happy, days upon days of sacrifices in my other areas of life to spend time with them and then months or years just down the drain because ultimately I realised that it didn’t matter how hard I tried or how hard I worked – you can’t force another person to want to be with you.

Someone I greatly admire once told me that if you want to find the perfect person, you have to be the perfect person yourself. ¬†It really resonated with me and I have since worked my arse off at uni, work and every other aspect of my life (besides cooking… but I imagine my future husband/wife will either love 2 minute noodles or will be a chef). ¬†However, I started finding myself more upset than before, because I had great self confidence for the first time. ¬†I was so extremely proud of everything I had achieved and yet – I was still getting rejected. ¬†I started to put it down to the fact that I didn’t have blonde hair and fake tits… and it hurt, because part of me wanted to change and dye my hair blonde and get a boob job – but then I had a lightbulb moment.

You can be the best person you can be… and you can continuously work at improving yourself … and you can even be drop dead gorgeous… but that doesn’t mean that you can find someone who appreciates this, is willing to take it on board and wants a long term relationship. ¬†It is so easy to persecute or hate someone for not wanting a relationship with you when they are clearly brain dead not to, HELLO I am pretty much the most amazing woman on the earth and I give the BEST BJS… (you can decide what of that is true)..

So instead of being the ‘perfect’ person to find the perfect person, I decided that I would be the ‘perfect’ person for me and for my friends and family. ¬†Instead of sitting alone, watching Audrey Hepburn and eating Blueberry ice cream by the tub asking what the fuck I have to change or what I have to do to improve myself in order to find my soul mate and creating voodoo dolls in the shape of those pricks who used and abused me, I decided that I would just be happy with who I was, improve what I could and be grateful for the lesson that I had learnt.

At the end of the day, I am happy with who I am and I will continuously work my arse off to determine my own future and my own success. ¬†If someone comes along who is at this same point in their life and personal development and is able to take all of my crazies on board, then I will High Five them… if not, I have a lot of other things that I want to achieve in my life, that in no way require a partner by my side to reach them.

My happiness, success and dreams have never, and will never depend on someone else.

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I Might Like You Better If We Slept Together – actually no, I take that back

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Every now and then I lie in bed and think about someone special..
I think, “man I’m so glad I don’t have to share a bed with someone on a nightly basis”

Ugh!! Sweaty, noisy snorers get to me beyond anything else …
I have enough trouble sleeping by myself in a Queen bed – let alone with some Snorlax beside me …

But the truth is, every now and then apart from this, I miss having someone there.

I suppose I just tell myself little things to make it ok when I’ve just gotten out of a relationship and make it easier when I’m single far down the track.

It makes it easier for me to distinguish between sex and … Wanting more.

I used to let people in so freely and easily and got so attached to having someone to snuggle with, that I had bouts of days upon days of not being able to sleep if no one was in my bed … You can imagine the amount of self loathing and regret that led to.

So now, while I actually prefer to sleep by myself – sometimes, someone will sneak up on me that I didn’t expect
And suddenly, I realise how nice it is to wake up next to someone…

To cuddle, kiss and have a bit of a morning bonk before going forth with my day and forgetting the dream like state he puts me in.

To be honest, he snores… He mumbles in his sleep and he can get quite sweaty… However, all of a sudden I don’t mind. It’s the first time in a long time I have been able to sleep with someone next to me. Even if it is only because I’m too drunk to drive home and sleep in my own bed, I decide to stay. The truth is, I actually like seeing him in the morning … And cuddling … And bonking… Regardless of my wine breath, smudged make up and bed hair. I just don’t care around him.

But – the game of life and love means I’ll never actually tell him this or let him in.

For the minute I do – I’ll have to get used to sleeping by myself again. I’m just not ready for that yet.

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