Wake Up Call

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I’m not usually the most romantically optimistic person in the world.  While I completely believe in it for other people and am witness to quite a few beautiful relationships occurring around me, my mothers lack of love for my father and my fathers repeated relationship failures led me to believe that maybe I’m somehow genetically  retarded to find ‘true love’ .. or just someone who actually wants to be with me for more than just sex.

There I was, living out my life – being successful and shit – building networks and relationships, kicking personal goals butts and half the time I didn’t have a ‘beloved’ by my side.  In fact, my last (facebook official) relationship (which I foolishly believed was ‘the one’) actually probably only lasted as long as it did because he was 1000km away from me for a good year of it.

In my last post I discussed how incredibly attractive I am at the moment with my lack of job, lack of funds for make-up to conceal my pizza complexion due to lack of funds for cleansing products, and my incredibly undesirable living arrangement with my family.  I pushed the last man out of my life (as if that’s a surprise) due to my complete lack of self confidence in what I could possibly offer the relationship, leading to my only offer being sex. I became convinced that it would be close to impossible to find anyone, ANYONE in their right mind at least, to want to pick up my broken pieces and want to put them together. Or at least appreciate those broken pieces for what they once were and who they once made me.

However – since writing that and now – I have had a massive wake up call.

I’ve always said, and always will believe, that you shouldn’t expect to find the perfect person unless you are the perfect person.

What I blindly did not take into consideration, is that perfect is completely subjective.  My perfect person is completely different to my best friends perfect person and that is completely different to Honey Boo Boo’s dad’s idea of perfection also.

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When I lost my job, the one thing I have continuously worked my arse off for and has always been my greatest pillar of strength, I felt as though I was completely and utterly unattractive in every single sense of the word.  I assume this is how anyone feels when they lose the one thing they put so much hard work into and pride themselves on.

However, I was wrong and I was luckier than most. While all these … shit things kept happening in my life, someone crept up on me.  Someone who I met once and couldn’t get out of my head.  Someone who got to know me, put the effort in to talk to me and actually showed interest just as a friend… and a decent person… in fact – he rejected my drunken sexual advances.. and I was pretty rapey…

I immediately took insult to his rejection, putting it down to my list of endless flaws that I’m increasingly more aware of when my life takes a turn for the worse. Yet, some how I swallowed my pride and embarrassment and I let him in and gave him a chance because at that point in time I just needed someone to listen and to be a friend.

While he knows I’m going through a shit time in my life, what he made me realise is that I’m more than a job or a position – that was never the be all and end all of what I could offer.  Yes, work is very important to me and hopefully I won’t have to resort to being a Macca’s employee any time soon (but hey, I am getting pretty desperate).  However, there are other things I can offer the world; other things that make me a valuable human and more importantly things that people love and cherish me for that I often forget are important.

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Part of meeting someone amazing is that they inspire you to be the best version of yourself.  I can happily say that this beautiful person who has entered my life at what seems to be the worst point, has made me realise so many things in such a short couple of weeks and has impacted me more than most people do in years.

While nothings certain and tomorrow he could just dump my arse, I feel incredibly lucky to have been taught this lesson and to continue to be inspired to be a better person because of who he knows I can be, rather than who I feel I am at my lowest points.

So here’s my sage advice… if you ever lose the one thing that you feel defines you, the thing that you have worked on tirelessly, that people continuously talk about when they mention your name, remember that along the way you must have built up some other strengths and skills.

All this time I focussed on my career I let my friendships and relationships slide, I always put love and boyfriends last and my career first.  Whilst that’s my choice and to be honest I’m glad I did, this last month has also been a massive wake up call that you can never have full control over anything in life. So don’t make sacrifices for anything in the short term that will jeopardise your happiness in the long term.

You need to be happy and genuinely happy with your choices; you need to let people in every now and then because the lessons you can learn from them if you just give them a chance, are often priceless.  I don’t believe you ever meet anyone by accident – everyone has value in them.  It is up to you to find that value in each person you meet and that in itself will make you realise your own value and what you can offer to the world.

xox

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Always Look On The Bright Side of Life

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Look at me.. trying to be all optimistic and shit..

Yeah – that’s me on a regular daily basis, lifting other people, being the role model for my brothers and sisters and inspiring others due to the amount of shit that seems to continuously go wrong in my life, whilst I continue to move on with a fucking smile on my face.

Well guess what.. I’m not smiling right now.. I’m pretty pissed off… and I’m sober which just adds to my long list of woes.

Over the last week I have been fired from my job, that I spent 60+ hours a week working my arse at off, due to a misunderstanding on social media, my parents are getting divorced and I realised the guy that I liked quite a lot turned out to not give a shit about these first two happenings and apparently only wanted me for sex and witty banter… so I drunkenly told him politely to fuck off and thanked him for leading me on.

So here I am .. broke again – and for the first time in my life (ok since I was 17) I am completely and utterly unsure of what the hell I am meant to do to get out of this situation.  I mean, Richard Branson isn’t answering any of my calls and since I’ve spent a weekend drinking all the alcohol my body could handle and eating all the chocolate cake my thighs would allow, I really can’t even consider sucking dick right now for a living – unless I wore a balaclava.

But lets be honest – who the fuck would read anything I wrote if I didn’t at least try and put a positive tongue-in-cheek twist on things.  So instead of sitting here bitching and complaining about things that seem to happen out of my control that inevitably leave me broken, I’m going to sit here and try to figure out how I can make these things somehow positive.

Here are a list of things that make being broke absolutely and incredibly terrible for a young single woman in the 21st century:

    1. Beauty Regime… What Beauty Regime
      I’ve never really been one to spend hours upon hours primping and preparing myself, however since having to choose between my phone bill or cleanser, I have noticed how much it SUCKS not being able to afford ‘girly products’.  My skin looks like a pizza, my legs and armpits envy that of a caveman and lets not even get started on my body odour.  All of a sudden I can’t afford my Clinique makeup or Clarins cleanser, toner and moisturiser.While, yes these probably aren’t ESSENTIAL products like fuel in the car.. they are important to me.  They help me mask this face that genetics gave me – the face that I would really RATHER hide under hundreds of dollars of products on a daily basis.Don’t let anyone ever tell you you can compromise for home brand razors – I had to borrow some of my dads, and I broke out in a rash all over my legs … lets not even mention higher than the legs because it ain’t pretty.  This goes for deodorant as well – sure if you want to smell like a truck driver five minutes after putting it on, then go for it… otherwise maybe even consider spraying Toilet Spray under your arms as it would probably work better.
    1. Are You Going To Eat That?
      Yes – Yes I am… I’m going to eat 2 Minute Noodles for breakfast, lunch and dinner because fuck you.. that’s why.  Sure it might not be my favourite Spaghetti Pernod Calamari and Capsicum from the most amazing Italian restaurant.. but it beats eating tuna out of a can until I find a new job.  Say I could afford to buy something more than 2 Minute Noodles – I would be buying either cheap wine or chocolate – because I need to consider the food triangle of poverty here and these other two items are ESSENTIAL.
    1. Sex… Or Lack There Of
      I used to pride myself on my career, education, status rah rah rah – and I was always in control of my life, so I felt very control of situations with males.  Now, what do I have to attract them to me? I’ve already stated I have acne like a teenage boy, caveman legs and the only makeup I can afford turns me into an oompa loompa.On top of that – I literally have nothing to offer in conversation… I live with my parents.. soon to be parent.. I am probably going to have to sell my convertible to afford two minute noodles and I left alot of my assets in Brisbane at my exes house.  Now I ain’t saying she a gold digger.. but pretty much, that is how it is going to come across until I find employment.

      This is where big tits would really come in handy…”So Bek.. what do you do for work?”
      “oh.. I um… oh no.. some ice fell down my top onto my breasts… ” *touch breasts suggestively.. man proposes* Crisis averted…Ok so pretty obvious my sex life has gone to shit too – but that’s ok.. I have toys… I just can’t afford the batteries in them.. and at the moment, they are running on dead so it’s like having sex with a geriatric patient… YAY

However, in spite of the shitness of the situation and being broke, there are some… good things that have come from this.

1.  You realise how important it is to surround yourself with friends and family.  I was at dinner on Friday night and was sitting across from an old friend who recently decided to persue another girl rather than continue with me… so you can imagine how I coped with that.. after a quick trip to the toilet, four of my girlfriends were waiting outside and just hugged me and listened to me whilst I drunkenly ranted about how shit everything in life is.  It was such a precious moment for me because I haven’t been extremely close to any of these lovely ladies, but them being there just when I needed them made me feel so lucky and blessed to have a beautiful group of friends who just listened when I needed it most.

2.  You’re allowed to be angry, sad, depressed and drunk… and it’s ok … have a cry, scream and do what you need to do to get your frustration out … most people will understand and will pretend like you drunkenly calling at 1am, to tell them you’re just going to swim to Antarctica to live a life with the penguins as no one else is as lonely and as much of a failure as you, is totally acceptable.

3.  The pain you experience in the short term may suck.. but it probably saved you a shit load of pain LATER in life or down the track.  Tick one asshole off the list, you’re closer to finding Mr Right.  So a job fired you for posting a stupid photo on Instagram, well goes to show how petty they were and how little they appreciated you’re hard work and input – why not work at an employer who actually appreciates you and understands you…

So in the words of my dearest friends and idols (mainly the latter..), Monty Python, always look on the bright side of life.. it may be shit for a while, but things could always be worse and things will always get better…

P.S my ‘G’ key shit itself for the last two paragraphs of this… you know.. just to test my anger levels and make sure I was in fact looking at the bright side of life.. Who needs ‘G’ anyway?  ‘R’ is a much better letter

P.P.S on top of the aforementioned shit … Phillip Seymour Hoffman died.. who was by far my favourite actor and an absolute idol of mine.. Don’t do Heroin kids!