Look at me.. trying to be all optimistic and shit..
Yeah – that’s me on a regular daily basis, lifting other people, being the role model for my brothers and sisters and inspiring others due to the amount of shit that seems to continuously go wrong in my life, whilst I continue to move on with a fucking smile on my face.
Well guess what.. I’m not smiling right now.. I’m pretty pissed off… and I’m sober which just adds to my long list of woes.
Over the last week I have been fired from my job, that I spent 60+ hours a week working my arse at off, due to a misunderstanding on social media, my parents are getting divorced and I realised the guy that I liked quite a lot turned out to not give a shit about these first two happenings and apparently only wanted me for sex and witty banter… so I drunkenly told him politely to fuck off and thanked him for leading me on.
So here I am .. broke again – and for the first time in my life (ok since I was 17) I am completely and utterly unsure of what the hell I am meant to do to get out of this situation. I mean, Richard Branson isn’t answering any of my calls and since I’ve spent a weekend drinking all the alcohol my body could handle and eating all the chocolate cake my thighs would allow, I really can’t even consider sucking dick right now for a living – unless I wore a balaclava.
But lets be honest – who the fuck would read anything I wrote if I didn’t at least try and put a positive tongue-in-cheek twist on things. So instead of sitting here bitching and complaining about things that seem to happen out of my control that inevitably leave me broken, I’m going to sit here and try to figure out how I can make these things somehow positive.
Here are a list of things that make being broke absolutely and incredibly terrible for a young single woman in the 21st century:
- Beauty Regime… What Beauty Regime
I’ve never really been one to spend hours upon hours primping and preparing myself, however since having to choose between my phone bill or cleanser, I have noticed how much it SUCKS not being able to afford ‘girly products’. My skin looks like a pizza, my legs and armpits envy that of a caveman and lets not even get started on my body odour. All of a sudden I can’t afford my Clinique makeup or Clarins cleanser, toner and moisturiser.While, yes these probably aren’t ESSENTIAL products like fuel in the car.. they are important to me. They help me mask this face that genetics gave me – the face that I would really RATHER hide under hundreds of dollars of products on a daily basis.Don’t let anyone ever tell you you can compromise for home brand razors – I had to borrow some of my dads, and I broke out in a rash all over my legs … lets not even mention higher than the legs because it ain’t pretty. This goes for deodorant as well – sure if you want to smell like a truck driver five minutes after putting it on, then go for it… otherwise maybe even consider spraying Toilet Spray under your arms as it would probably work better.
- Are You Going To Eat That?
Yes – Yes I am… I’m going to eat 2 Minute Noodles for breakfast, lunch and dinner because fuck you.. that’s why. Sure it might not be my favourite Spaghetti Pernod Calamari and Capsicum from the most amazing Italian restaurant.. but it beats eating tuna out of a can until I find a new job. Say I could afford to buy something more than 2 Minute Noodles – I would be buying either cheap wine or chocolate – because I need to consider the food triangle of poverty here and these other two items are ESSENTIAL.
- Sex… Or Lack There Of
I used to pride myself on my career, education, status rah rah rah – and I was always in control of my life, so I felt very control of situations with males. Now, what do I have to attract them to me? I’ve already stated I have acne like a teenage boy, caveman legs and the only makeup I can afford turns me into an oompa loompa.On top of that – I literally have nothing to offer in conversation… I live with my parents.. soon to be parent.. I am probably going to have to sell my convertible to afford two minute noodles and I left alot of my assets in Brisbane at my exes house. Now I ain’t saying she a gold digger.. but pretty much, that is how it is going to come across until I find employment.
This is where big tits would really come in handy…”So Bek.. what do you do for work?”
“oh.. I um… oh no.. some ice fell down my top onto my breasts… ” *touch breasts suggestively.. man proposes* Crisis averted…Ok so pretty obvious my sex life has gone to shit too – but that’s ok.. I have toys… I just can’t afford the batteries in them.. and at the moment, they are running on dead so it’s like having sex with a geriatric patient… YAY
However, in spite of the shitness of the situation and being broke, there are some… good things that have come from this.
1. You realise how important it is to surround yourself with friends and family. I was at dinner on Friday night and was sitting across from an old friend who recently decided to persue another girl rather than continue with me… so you can imagine how I coped with that.. after a quick trip to the toilet, four of my girlfriends were waiting outside and just hugged me and listened to me whilst I drunkenly ranted about how shit everything in life is. It was such a precious moment for me because I haven’t been extremely close to any of these lovely ladies, but them being there just when I needed them made me feel so lucky and blessed to have a beautiful group of friends who just listened when I needed it most.
2. You’re allowed to be angry, sad, depressed and drunk… and it’s ok … have a cry, scream and do what you need to do to get your frustration out … most people will understand and will pretend like you drunkenly calling at 1am, to tell them you’re just going to swim to Antarctica to live a life with the penguins as no one else is as lonely and as much of a failure as you, is totally acceptable.
3. The pain you experience in the short term may suck.. but it probably saved you a shit load of pain LATER in life or down the track. Tick one asshole off the list, you’re closer to finding Mr Right. So a job fired you for posting a stupid photo on Instagram, well goes to show how petty they were and how little they appreciated you’re hard work and input – why not work at an employer who actually appreciates you and understands you…
So in the words of my dearest friends and idols (mainly the latter..), Monty Python, always look on the bright side of life.. it may be shit for a while, but things could always be worse and things will always get better…
P.S my ‘G’ key shit itself for the last two paragraphs of this… you know.. just to test my anger levels and make sure I was in fact looking at the bright side of life.. Who needs ‘G’ anyway? ‘R’ is a much better letter
P.P.S on top of the aforementioned shit … Phillip Seymour Hoffman died.. who was by far my favourite actor and an absolute idol of mine.. Don’t do Heroin kids!