Wake Up Call

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I’m not usually the most romantically optimistic person in the world.  While I completely believe in it for other people and am witness to quite a few beautiful relationships occurring around me, my mothers lack of love for my father and my fathers repeated relationship failures led me to believe that maybe I’m somehow genetically  retarded to find ‘true love’ .. or just someone who actually wants to be with me for more than just sex.

There I was, living out my life – being successful and shit – building networks and relationships, kicking personal goals butts and half the time I didn’t have a ‘beloved’ by my side.  In fact, my last (facebook official) relationship (which I foolishly believed was ‘the one’) actually probably only lasted as long as it did because he was 1000km away from me for a good year of it.

In my last post I discussed how incredibly attractive I am at the moment with my lack of job, lack of funds for make-up to conceal my pizza complexion due to lack of funds for cleansing products, and my incredibly undesirable living arrangement with my family.  I pushed the last man out of my life (as if that’s a surprise) due to my complete lack of self confidence in what I could possibly offer the relationship, leading to my only offer being sex. I became convinced that it would be close to impossible to find anyone, ANYONE in their right mind at least, to want to pick up my broken pieces and want to put them together. Or at least appreciate those broken pieces for what they once were and who they once made me.

However – since writing that and now – I have had a massive wake up call.

I’ve always said, and always will believe, that you shouldn’t expect to find the perfect person unless you are the perfect person.

What I blindly did not take into consideration, is that perfect is completely subjective.  My perfect person is completely different to my best friends perfect person and that is completely different to Honey Boo Boo’s dad’s idea of perfection also.

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When I lost my job, the one thing I have continuously worked my arse off for and has always been my greatest pillar of strength, I felt as though I was completely and utterly unattractive in every single sense of the word.  I assume this is how anyone feels when they lose the one thing they put so much hard work into and pride themselves on.

However, I was wrong and I was luckier than most. While all these … shit things kept happening in my life, someone crept up on me.  Someone who I met once and couldn’t get out of my head.  Someone who got to know me, put the effort in to talk to me and actually showed interest just as a friend… and a decent person… in fact – he rejected my drunken sexual advances.. and I was pretty rapey…

I immediately took insult to his rejection, putting it down to my list of endless flaws that I’m increasingly more aware of when my life takes a turn for the worse. Yet, some how I swallowed my pride and embarrassment and I let him in and gave him a chance because at that point in time I just needed someone to listen and to be a friend.

While he knows I’m going through a shit time in my life, what he made me realise is that I’m more than a job or a position – that was never the be all and end all of what I could offer.  Yes, work is very important to me and hopefully I won’t have to resort to being a Macca’s employee any time soon (but hey, I am getting pretty desperate).  However, there are other things I can offer the world; other things that make me a valuable human and more importantly things that people love and cherish me for that I often forget are important.

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Part of meeting someone amazing is that they inspire you to be the best version of yourself.  I can happily say that this beautiful person who has entered my life at what seems to be the worst point, has made me realise so many things in such a short couple of weeks and has impacted me more than most people do in years.

While nothings certain and tomorrow he could just dump my arse, I feel incredibly lucky to have been taught this lesson and to continue to be inspired to be a better person because of who he knows I can be, rather than who I feel I am at my lowest points.

So here’s my sage advice… if you ever lose the one thing that you feel defines you, the thing that you have worked on tirelessly, that people continuously talk about when they mention your name, remember that along the way you must have built up some other strengths and skills.

All this time I focussed on my career I let my friendships and relationships slide, I always put love and boyfriends last and my career first.  Whilst that’s my choice and to be honest I’m glad I did, this last month has also been a massive wake up call that you can never have full control over anything in life. So don’t make sacrifices for anything in the short term that will jeopardise your happiness in the long term.

You need to be happy and genuinely happy with your choices; you need to let people in every now and then because the lessons you can learn from them if you just give them a chance, are often priceless.  I don’t believe you ever meet anyone by accident – everyone has value in them.  It is up to you to find that value in each person you meet and that in itself will make you realise your own value and what you can offer to the world.

xox

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