I have a dilemma ..
I have written a few things, far too soppy and lovey dovey for anyone bar my phone or notebook to read, so have been quite absent from this blog. The reason is when I am truly happy and blissfully swept off my feet, I really struggle to write.. I stop over analysing and reading into things and actually just lose all passion to write (that and because I don’t think anyone wants to read about how wonderfully, blissfully happy someone else is… how boring!)
But see the dilemma is that I am now writing, which means either (a) something is missing in my puzzle of perfection or (b) I’m conjuring up reasons to doubt my happiness, whether these reasons are valid or if these problems actually exist, I’ll let you be the judge…
This dilemma…? I think I am too easy..
Ok.. no not in the Emma Stone, sleeping around, Easy A sense… no no… I mean, I think I am constantly making things too easy for other people, particularly men.
Part of the issue is that I hate playing games, I hate all the waiting, wondering how the other person is feeling, wondering if I should text, if I should wait to sleep with them, if I should not date them until they actually buy me dinner three times…
I’m impatient.. and I just hate bullshit.. I’d rather know straight up if you’re potentially going to be the father of my ten babies, or if you’re just after a fuck. If I want sex, I will have sex, I don’t care what the other person thinks or what anyone else will think – if I want it, I’ll have it.
But then of course, there is no chase. There is no one ‘lusting’ over me or wondering what it would be like to take me on a date or be in bed with me, because I’ll either tell them no straight away and crush any dreams or hopes they have (ok, this has happened like once or twice, I’m really not ‘hot property’) or I’ll say, “hell why not” and a few Gin, Lime and Soda’s later and Mary-Kate and Ashley (my boobs, not the midget celebrity twins) will make a guest appearance.
Over the years, guys have said to me, “Oh I’m so glad you’re not like all those other girls who are so shy or such high maintenance or hard to understand.. you’re just so honest and straight up”. Yeah… thanks, but what guys have failed to tell me is that these girls that are ‘shy/high maintenance/hard to understand’ are actually the ones who end up being spoilt rotten, taken to Paris, proposed to in Rome and honeymoon in the Maldives. Girls like me? Oh.. we end up not being thought about more than ‘a friend’ or ‘one of the boys’ or ‘a cool chick’.
Why? Because secretly, like it or not, all men want a princess. Men want someone that they can spoil, who looks a million dollars, who is a challenge to them and who they can show off on their mantle piece .. or .. bedroom.. or kitchen, in a few years time while everyone is asking, “How the fuck did you get her??” They want the bragging rights, they want to be able to say that they worked hard and they actually got a girl who is worth having.
I have such a bad, bad habit of getting into relationships with people, who tell me straight up, “Oh I don’t like high maintenance girls…” and I agree and say, “ha.. high maintenance, that’s not me… hell if I want a diamond ring, I’ll buy myself one because you’ll probably pick the wrong one anyway” and therefore giving them the easy way out. So while I spend hours sucking their dicks, watching terrible movies, driving them home when they’ve had too much to drink and allowing them more time with ‘they boys’ then they have ever spent on a single night with me, I end up very unhappy and doubting my self worth and confidence for the millionth time.
While it’s not necessarily indicative that there is anything wrong with me or any ‘flaws’ as such, it is indicative of my lack of understanding the virtue of patience. I was never told that being patient to be in relationships and patience in relationships are important. Here is the truth I wish I learnt long ago – if you don’t make them put effort in, to get INTO the relationship, then why the hell would you expect them to put effort into the relationship to make it work or to make you stay.
My last boyfriend, well he actually went a whole fucking year without taking me out on a date… and I mean, like he paid for everything, drove and put effort in to looking respectable in public (no boardies.. no thongs…). Best part? His mum organised and PAID for the date… yeah… super romantic, huh? Oh and the only reason we even went on a date was because it was my birthday… and no, I didn’t get a birthday present… the $56 his mum paid for dinner and a glass of wine was my birthday present.
The one before that, well.. lets see.. I would go to work for 8.5 hours a day, uni for 4 hours a night, catch a train for an hour and a half to get to his place that night, only for him to fuck me then sleep and wake me up at 6am to drive me back to the train station… He had a car, he could have driven to see me and he actually only worked a few streets away from my house yet still didn’t make the time to see me. The dates, well see he was a uni student, and couldn’t really afford anything while I was working full time – so I’m pretty sure he never actually paid for a date… well apart from that one time he made me watch some terrible movie, and the ticket was $8.. and I had to buy him popcorn…
My ridiculous need to continuously please other people, particularly men/boys, is actually more detrimental than I thought. Don’t get me wrong, there have been a few guys that I have dated over the years who have spoilt me rotten and have taken me to dinner and breakfast and lunch and still been great in the bed … (ok, one and he was Irish…) but it seems that the vast majority of men I date, date me because they think they literally have to put no effort in to dating me.
So my question is, if you don’t have to put effort in with someone (which is great because relationships that are hard work are usually just a waste of time anyway) shouldn’t you want to make them happy and take them places and surprise them just to see a smile on their face? The last time I was surprised by the actions of a male.. 2009.. he threw a jewellery box at me, with a silver and sapphire ring inside, (idiot.. I like EMERALDS not sapphires) for Valentines Day and said ‘THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS’… which, although seems really bizarre, was quite sweet as it was actually the last time I got a present or any kind of surprise sentiment from a male.
I’m not asking for a knight in shining armour or even Hugh Jackman (10 years younger Hugh Jackman that is), I’m not asking for a new pair of shoes or a pretty ring every week.. I don’t want expensive dinners or high class champagne… I’m asking for someone to come along and say, “HEY I like you for more than just your bedroom antics.. and more than just a friend… and I actually want to surprise you and do something nice for you because I know it would make you smile and would bring you happiness… ”
The truth, I’m only just realising, is that if I want someone like this.. I maybe need to just stop making it so easy to be with me… I need to make someone work a little bit harder, before they get the right to date me. So when they finally have me, they know I am what they want, that they fought hard and worked hard to get this opportunity, and that they will continuously try to make me happy in fear of losing me…
At this point, I feel like I wouldn’t be a loss at all.