I noticed since my break up, that I have been extremely optimistic and gotten over things pretty fast.
I put this down to years of beating myself up, putting myself down and then realising that I could only love someone as much as I could and not expect anything in return if I didn’t want to get hurt anymore.
Yes, I cried – I was so angry the night it happened, on my way to pickup my large supreme pizza, I screamed at the top of my lungs to the universe and the seemingly shit bad luck I’ve had recently, then bashed my steering wheel as hard as I could.
I asked, “Why me? Why can’t someone just love me?”
What did it achieve?
I picked myself up and moved on. I got back into my fitness regime, sprinted while listening to Katy Perry and Kanye West on repeat (don’t judge) and I fucking smiled! I smiled because I am allowed to be happy and I know I deserve to be happy instead of being an emotional wreck.
I’ve learnt to love myself and to thrive when being single to the point that I actually get excited at the prospect of being able to watch whatever I want, cry at the corniest movies, drink red wine in my undies, while eating chinese on a Friday night, fart as loudly as I want, and not have to worry about preening myself or my nether regions for someone else’s enjoyment.
Being single is such a great time, if you let it be. However, a few of my friends have been waiting for a phone call. Waiting for me to break down, anxiously hoping my dad doesn’t call them from the hospital. My dad, my workmates and my friends have been prying me to break lose and to break down.
And I Haven’t.
The extent of my spiral was a drunken night the night after it happened, and I was upset more for the fact that I got kicked out of a club for being too drunk and ruining a perfectly good girls night, than I was that I had lost love.
While I might be doing extremely well, given the circumstances, I think society expects us to break down and fall apart. I had a workmate who basically was begging me to fall apart, she kept prying and asking questions and saying ‘You can cry – it’s ok’. I didn’t want to cry and I didn’t want to talk about it.
What I have learnt is that … it is ok.
It is ok to be honest and to feel raw emotion and to crave some kind of affection. It is ok to fall apart, to lose yourself in tears and sadness. It is ok to need a day off work and to get so drunk that you call and text your ex a million times. It’s ok to get nervous at the thought of the amount of weddings and engagement parties you have to attend SOLO. It is ok to want to throw your frozen coke on the teenage couple in front of you who won’t shut up because they need to tell each other one more time how in love they are. It is ok to want to punch your TV when Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson fall in love in ten days when you’ve worked your arse off for months to end up getting nothing more than a ‘you’re a good person’.
All of these feelings, emotions and actions are OK – you’re not less of a person for feeling them.
Nor are you weak.
But the thing is, it is also ok to move on.
I’ve spent days and weeks crying about exes and dreaming that we were together again. I would go to sleep at night telling myself they loved me and they would wake up one day and run back to me and tell me how amazing I am and how stupid they were. I went through phases where I honestly thought I was sleeping next to an ex still and woke up in tears when I realised they weren’t there and they never would be again.
What did this achieve?
When it is time to move on, allow yourself to move on. Don’t entertain these negative thoughts that will get you nowhere. You don’t need to be your own worst enemy – you should always be your own best friend.
You should always love yourself enough to know that as bad as your heart may break, you will always survive and that everything will be ok.
I have learnt, over the years, that I fall in love easily and deeply. I also learnt to never place any expectations on your love. Love is not supposed to be greedy.
Love is supposed to be freely given, without expectation, without compromise and without pressure. You can only love someone as much as you can and hope that they love themselves enough to appreciate that. When they do, you’ll usually find, the strength of your love is returned.
If they don’t, all you can do is embrace the fact that you were lucky enough to have loved – and to experience that emotion.
Many people go their whole lives without falling in love or ever appreciating another person purely.
If you can, if you do without expectation, then you are on your way to living a bullet proof existence.
You’ll never doubt your heart or regret your decision to love ever again.
You will simply smile at the fact that you were presented a person who needed love more than you did and in one way or another, you made their life much better. And you will know, that because you love yourself and value yourself so much – it will be ok.