Yes, at the ripe old age of 24 … I have come to the realization that I am in fact … Old …
No I don’t shit my pants or have erection problems (I lie, I haven’t had sex in god knows how long so that in it self is an erection problem); but as I grow I am noticing things around me change.
My perception alone has changed a lot, but more than that my taste, my tolerance levels and my overall desires have incredibly and vastly changed since I was 18.
So here is my list of signs that you are inevitably getting older and uglier…
I’ve been quite a sensible dresser for a few years, thanks to working in the corporate world, but I still find it funny when my little sister and I clash over opinion of clothing. The other day we went shopping and while she wore a stunning outfit, had a beautiful face of makeup and was adorned in jewellery I wore a band shirt, some denim shorts and flats and hadn’t brushed my hair or applied makeup.
For her, going out shopping is a chance to make a statement about her style. But for me, it’s an unenjoyable chore. If I don’t have to put effort in, I won’t. I’d rather be comfortable, sans make up and in and out as quickly as possible.
I think looking at younger generations and not understanding their fashion is an age old sign of getting old – but man, does it ring true! I honestly do not understand the need for girls to have shorts so small that their ass cheeks are hanging out and their vagina flaps are swaying in the wind… I was driving past a bunch of girls the other day and I couldn’t tell if they were going to a music festival or a strip club… I laughed when my baby sister said, “They look like skanky hoes…” (probably not appropriate language for a 7 year old but still hilarious)
In the words of Yves Saint Laurent, “fashions fade – style is eternal”; as you get older – this rings more true.
(2) I’m Gonna Pop Some Tags
My best friend sent me a message at how excited she was about her latest shop. I laughed because I cannot remember the last time I went on a shopping spree. She elaborated moments later by explaining how excited she was over how much she had saved and what am awesome sale Big W had on.
This is a sign you are getting old – you would rather SAVE money and only buy items on sale, instead of talking about how expensive and exclusive one item it is.
You get excited to go to KMart, Big W and Best and Less because really – who has the time or money to splurge at Myer? It’s like you have a lightbulb moment and you realise it’s all the same shit with different labels or brands on it – so why bother paying more for the same ?
On top of this, shopping for decor, gardening or home wares becomes much more exciting than anything else.
(3) Going to The Chapel.. and We’re Gonna Get…
(i secretly hope you sung that song then in you’re head)
Obviously when everyone around you starts having babies and getting married you’re probably at that age that it’s expected.
However I think your mentality changes – instead of being jaded because how dare Lisa and Mike get married when Alfred and I have been dating for twice as long, you are actually just genuinely happy for your loved ones and friends.
The thought of being invited and participating in the most important day of someone’s life actually makes you so incredibly happy inside and gives you little butterflies – not to mention all the free alcohol and hot random wedding sex.
Then comes the babies …
When one of my best friends had her baby, I felt this amazing sense of love for this little human that I barely knew – it was such a weird feeling and I still don’t understand it. But I think it’s because you love and admire this child’s parents so much that you cannot help but adore this bundle of human skin and poo…
(4) Bedtime is The Shit
I mean this. I actually get excited for bed from the moment I leave it.
It’s like a fluffy haven of warmth and love that will never let me down.
I honestly can’t remember the last time I stayed out clubbing or drinking past 12… I’d much rather have a good nights sleep and no hangover…. Thankkkk you very much!
(5) Wine and Cheese, Please
How amazing is wine and cheese ??
I remember being a kid and even the smell of wine made me want to vomit and Camembert was the equivalent of squashed maggot guts… Yeah … That’s how much I hated it.
Now I’m much older, the thought of opening a bottle of Cab Sauv on a Friday night or sitting down with some friends with a plate if Brie, Feta and Camembert is the ideal social setting.
(6) They Call Me The Ironchef
Ask me two years ago what I could cook, the answer would be 2 minute noodles. These days I’m literally the iron chef. I get so excited to make exciting new dishes and get my family’s reactions and thoughts on how to improve. Seeing other people enjoy what I make, is so rewarding.
It’s like a whole new world of creation and exploration … And food is amazing – end of story.
(7) Sex? Meh
Casual Sex and the thought of it is just too tiring for me these days.
From someone who had a few … ermm… ‘friends with benefits’… scheduled in on different nights of the week, when I lived in Brisbane, the fact that casual sex just bores me these days would be pretty shocking to a few people.
I love sex, I do. In fact I pride myself on how well I please my man, when I’m in a relationship.
But spending time and effort on someone I barely know – it actually irks me these days.
I used to like casual sex, but I realised I don’t like the aftermath. The awkward cuddles and kisses. I don’t want to kiss your mouth – I don’t even like you beyond your penis and what you do with it. I’d rather just get it done, have fun and leave. I don’t want to “snuggle” or talk and pretend there is anything more than a sexual connection between us.
Another light bulb moment you have as you get older is how amazing sex is with someone when there is a deep connection beyond just a physical attraction. Casual sex can end up feeling so hollow and pointless – particularly if they don’t know what they’re doing or know what works for you.
I have decided It’s just too hard and complicated these days to find the desire to have a one night stand… And really a vibrator does a better job than most males I have met.
(8) If You Can Learn To Do It, I Can Learn To Do It
I feel so inspired and excited to learn or try new things. I just built a veggie patch, started hockey again, I’m trying to learn a new language and I want to know how to use a circular saw…
Ask me to do any of these things as a teenager or as a young twenty something… I could not be bothered.
All of a sudden it’s like a new zest for life comes back. You realise how awesome Better Homes and Gardens really is. Pinterest is your best friend. You begin to look for new hobbies or things to do, because “why not?” – maybe it’s also based on a fear that we’re getting older and should have more life skills to teach our children or show off to our friends…
Or perhaps it we have a realisation at some point, that these people who know how to sew, build, saw, canoe, cook, speak five different languages – all began somewhere. They’re not ‘legends of myth’ but just real people who drink, eat, sleep and shit just the way we all do.
All I know is learning something new, building or creating something with your own bare hands or mind, is really liberating and invigorating.
(9) Club Can’t Even Handle Me Right Now
Like literally.. the club can’t handle me, because they fucking kick me out when I get ridiculously drunk by 11pm and cry to a bouncer about how I just got dumped and how no one will ever love me.
But seriously, I have reached a point where going out dancing, clubbing, crumping and twerking just does not do it for me. On top of this, you have to play a dangerous game of ‘will I be a paedophile if I talk to/touch that cute boy over there’ because all of a sudden, everyone is younger than you!
I’ve also noticed everyone these days is just too cool for school. They sit in a corner, get drunk, walk around in circles checking out the ‘scenery’ and wait until some hot guy/girl is drunk enough to have the courage to talk to them.
Meanwhile, I’m just doing my ‘T-Rex’ stalking behind guys…
(10) Date? No, I Prefer Sultanas.
One thing that is inevitable when you get older, is your tolerance levels change.. they rise for certain people and scenarios and extremely decrease in others. Dating is one where I have found my tolerance levels have extremely decreased.
When I was much younger I was so excited at the prospect of being asked out on a date. I spent days before hand figuring out what to wear, planning what i would say, training myself to not show him my cool ability of being able to ‘quack’ like a duck if the conversation got boring.. and try my best NOT to sleep with them on the first date. There were hours and hours of effort I put in to these dates, even though 9/10 were absolute duds who couldn’t even afford to pay for my dinner.
These days, I cannot be bothered ‘hooking up’ or ‘dating’. The whole idea or thought of letting someone in, putting in all that time and effort for little guaranteed satisfaction is just too wasteful for me to bother.
I like meeting new people, and I’ve been on a few dates since being single again. But I find myself struggling to even care or to even make the effort. I actually even asked one guy if I had to shower after my hockey game before having dinner with him…
My issue, that I’ve just uncovered thanks to a great conversation with my exes mother today, I’m too impatient to let a relationship take it’s natural course.
I am straight forward and don’t have time to waste wondering if someone likes me or not. I don’t want to continuously go on ‘dates’ with someone for three months and wonder if we’re ready to be ‘facebook offical’ yet. If you invite me over, I’m not going to hold my pee in and die of .. pee related diseases (it is possible, right?). I’m not going to get up in the morning first, brush my teeth, apply makeup, brush my hair and lie back in bed like I just naturally wake up gorgeous. If you’re going to be with someone in the long term, you’re going to see them in their rawest and unsexiest state. So I will be my honest and rawest self from the start so as to avoid any disappointment down the track.
The issue apparently with this is it leaves no mystery, if you give someone everything from the start – there is nothing more of you for them to discover. There’s no want or desire for them to try and pry more out of you, when you lay it all flat on the table. It’s like buying a see through Kinder Surprise and not getting to even eat the chocolate… how effing boring!
The matter of the fact is, when you get older, part of you wants that eternal relationship.. but part of you also realises that when the time is right, it will happen. Anything forced seems to end up in heartbreak and hurt, yet anything that happens on the whim, or spontaneous, is fun. Meeting new people is great, but just because you date someone doesn’t mean you have to continue dating them. You learn that it is ok to let people go and to just ‘be friends’ or to completely cut ties with people who have no purpose in your life.
It’s a bullshit fairytale we’re fed when we’re young that we are only ‘complete’ when we find our ‘true love’. If you’re waiting for that, I have bad news for you. You’re the only person who can ‘complete’ yourself. Figure out what is missing in your life, and go and freaking do it! Don’t say, “oh I want a tall dark man, who likes to swim with sharks and plays guitar”. Most of the time what we want in other people is what we are lacking in ourselves. So go out there and swim with sharks, learn how to play guitar and hell! even get a freaking sex change! (ok.. no seriously don’t do that, it’s too expensive… but hey onn the plus side you might win Eurovision?).
(11) You Actually Understand How Important It Is to Love Yourself
It’s told to us a million times when we’re younger, but it only sinks in when we’re much older – LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU LOVE ANYONE ELSE.
When I was much younger, I didn’t understand why anyone wanted to date me, sleep with me or even talk to me. So I thought that this person was amazing for wanting to do so, and didn’t know if anyone else would want to sleep with me and found myself in quite a bit of trouble and bad situations as well as a head full of regret. I didn’t think what I had or who I was, was very special or important or worth holding on to…. I treated myself like a bargain bin lipstick. I proceeded to be treated accordingly not only in personal relationships, but also at work – I let people treat me like I had no value so it didn’t matter if they bruised me, broke me or destroyed me.
If you don’t learn to love yourself as an adult you will let everyone walk all over you. You’re going to give away your goods like they are $1 specials at Coles – and no one, NO ONE wants cheap, shit. WE want a quality person to have fun with, not someone who feels so desperate and vulnerable they throw themselves at anyone who pays them attention.
Getting old is not a burden or a curse. It is a blessing and one that a lot of people never get to experience.
So embrace yourself, your lessons learned and your hardships because they are all making you a stronger, wiser, better you.
Go get em tiger xo