Lately I know I have been subject to a lot of critiscm behind my back
It’s as if some people honestly think I’m oblivious to what is said about me, but the truth is I am well aware and I choose to ignore it regardless
It is easy to criticize someone for selfish reasons or to gang up on someone for the sake of feeling as though you belong and have something to contribute to a conversation
I choose to ignore these words and the hurtful rolls of eyes or looks of disgust.
I choose this because although I know I am not perfect, I try my hardest to be a good person and to do everything I can for those around me that truly appreciate my friendship and contribution to their life.
I may be “over the top” in what I am willing to do or plan for those who are special to me, I may pour out my affection and let my admiration and love be public knowledge – but I do so because I know what it feels like to be unappreciated, unloved and unwanted.
I went through this for a long period of time in my life. Everyday I was told how ugly, stupid and useless I was. That I was a slut, a whore, a cunt and told that I was a mistake and would be better off dead.
To top this off, I was not only verbally and emotionally abused but often left with bruises, scars and massive patches of hair missing.
It took a very very long time for me to truly get over this. There are times where I feel as though I will never be truly loved or never be truly appreciated or wanted. However, I have learnt that as much as my past hurt, as many insecurities as I used to have, the only person whose opinion mattered was mine of myself.
I knew that whatever happened I never wanted to be at the end of dealing hatred, horrible words or harsh actions behind someone’s back or in front of their faces. Yes, I can be brutally honest and tell others how I feel and in turn that may cause hurt, but I would rather be told the truth and have honesty in my life any day of lies, deceit or backstabbing.
If I’m being brutally honest, know that I never intend to cause hurt or pain to anyone unless it’s necessary as a growing and learning process and perhaps to change someones perception or view on the world. It is all said with the hope that honesty prevails over lies and that as painful as the truth may be – it is always warranted.
While I’m far from perfect, I live my life to the max – I appreciate everything I have and aspire to be a role model to my younger siblings and one day my own children.
I know the power and strength of words – so if I take the time to send you a message to let you know I’m thinking of you or care about you, it is genuine. I don’t expect anything in return but don’t ever think I’m sending that for selfish reasons or because I’m “sucking up”. I’m genuinely letting you know that you are important and I am grateful for your presence in my life.
Likewise, if I go out of my way to do something which may seem unnecessary or over the top for someone I care about, know that I am doing it because I love them and seeing that person happy and enjoying themselves is more important than any cost I incur, any bitching or negative words towards me, or any judgement. If that person had the best time possible, it is all worth it.
I know that many people don’t understand selflessness but after years of abuse and feeling like I was never wanted or good enough, the one thing that resonated with me was that I never wanted anyone else to feel that way so would let them know how I felt towards them and would not only speak these words but live them through my actions and thoughts of kindness.
I think if everyone did a selfless act once a week, reached out to a loved one or a stranger and let them know how appreciated they were, the world would be a much nicer place.
I choose to ignore words that are spoken to me, or words that aren’t spoken to me. I refuse to let little people who are very sheltered in their life experience and views on the world with extremely narrow minds get to me. I have more than enough love and warmth to give to those who deserve it and who need it. I don’t need to waste time on those who take it for granted or who feel the need to use me, bitch about me behind my back or go out of their way to exclude me or ignore me constantly.
I know I would never do that and the fact that some people feel this is alright and acceptable, makes me know that I am a more decent human being than that person is at that point in their life.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone just treated each other with respect, honesty and compassion. Unfortunately this is not the case.
So I am sorry if for some reason anyone misunderstood anything I have done or said and thought I was being malicious or selfish. Those closest to me know that I would never do anything that would cause hurt or harm anyone.
I live my life to the fullest; I love without being loved, I care without wanting care in return, I celebrate events and moments that deserve it without expecting any reward or gain, I am honest knowing most people are dishonest. I am utterly selfless regardless of how selfish others may be, I would never disrespect or ignore anyone who was trying to make amends and most importantly I always believe that everyone can be a great person and can be better in some way, shape or form if they decide they want to be – and I will push for them to find that happiness…
And I honestly feel like I have a beautiful, wonderful life because of all of these things I do on a daily basis…
So know this – regardless of what you say behind my back, I will always be smiling and grateful for my life because I have been to hell and back and survived … No flourished … And I don’t intend to bow down or let anyone take away that happiness from me, today, tomorrow or ever.
I have worked too hard and come too far to suddenly be broken by a few words.