Gone Are The Days

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Gone are the days of staying up late, listening to your lovelorn woes and reassuring you of your beauty, value and worth while munching on cheeseburgers.

Gone are the days of waking up early to whisk you away to a hidden haven full of surprises, just to see you smile and laugh because I knew you enjoyed adventure as much as I did. Getting lost, listening to ridiculous music and proving to the world we didn’t need a man to keep us happy.

Gone are the days of glitter, sparkles, tight cheerleading uniforms, loud music, tosses and catches. You were the reason I joined.

Gone are the days of calling you when I couldn’t find the strength to keep going on. You rescuing me and finding me the help that I needed to live another day.

Gone are the days spending hours in a shopping centre just trying to find one pair of bikinis. You had a body any girl would envy yet just couldn’t seem to see it until you found the exact right pair.

Gone are the days of booking flights months in advance just to spend a day or two by your side, to hear your laughter echo through the house and confide in you my biggest doubts.

Gone are the days of late night drunk calls – begging you to tell me what is wrong with me and why every male I met seemed to screw me over.

Gone are the days of you calling the hospital, just to talk to a lonely shell of a person, to beg me to find happiness and see that I was loved by all around me.

Gone are the days of endless planning and scheming ways to make your last days as a single woman, your best. To make you light up and know how much I appreciated everything you ever did for me.

I know no amount of words will ever fix what is long broken. I know I wasn’t the person you knew, or the person who deserved the privilege I was given to be your best friend. I have learnt to forgive and move on the best I can, but I fear you will never forgive and will always hurt when my name is mentioned.

Maybe one day, in ten years time, I’ll see you in the street and you’ll smile and ask me how I am. I’ll smile back and notice you’re joined by a couple of little ones who bear your calming blue eyes and cheeky smile. I’ll pretend it’s fine, while it will break my heart to know your life moved on without me and go home and reminisce of the days long gone.

I always thought you would be in the days to come; that you would stand by my side as I said I do, just as I did for you. That you would be the godmother to my children because God knows how terrible of a mother I’ll be. But your warmth and kindness just always came so naturally. I  always thought that we would be there for each other when the world got ugly. No matter how dark the darkest days were, we would be each other’s light in the shadow.

Those days will no longer come; and while it hurts to admit it I know now it is time to let go and let you be. I can’t change who I was or what I did, but I can learn and grow from it. I can’t change the hurt I caused, and it will burden me the rest of my life. But I can be sure to not cause it again.

Above everything else I just hope you are happy. That the people who fill your life bring you laughter and joy that you deserve. And that you are loved so, so much that you never doubt again how incredible you are; as a woman, as a lover, as a daughter and one day, as a mother.

Long gone are the days, where I would be the one to prove this to you. I may never meet anyone else like you, but I will always be so grateful I met you.

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