Let Love In

Standard

I’ve known for a long time that I have massive issues with intimacy. I have worked hard to get around them, but the truth is, at the end of the day, somewhere in my mind or in my heart, something niggles away at me.  Lately, it’s been getting much worth as my partner and I move forward in our relationship.

My partner and I now are taking the HUGE leap of moving away from my home town to his home town (which is opposite ends of Australia really!).

Although the packing and moving process has been extremely frustrating at times, the truth is, we’ve discovered we work pretty well as a team… sometimes I just need to stop nagging and sometimes he just needs to be more pro-active but all in all – we work well. My mind and heart are absolutely in love with this man and I could not even dream up a man who is the person he is. My friends and family adore him too (my father likes him more than he likes me.. jerk) and I can see him being an amazing father down the track.

But the one thing that is frustrating to both of us, is my intimacy issues. I’m quite an affectionate person however, there are certain things I just can’t do – for reasons I don’t really understand.

My partner likes to ‘snuggle’ and put his arms around me and let his head rest on my shoulder while we talk. I literally feel smothered, hot, frustrated and uncomfortable beyond all belief. Sure this would make sense if my partner was a 500kg ball of fur, but he’s very far from it. I know it deeply offends him when I grunt or when I go dead silent so as to avoid grunting or asking him to get off, but I honestly just can’t deal with this. I don’t like snuggling, I don’t like spooning, I don’t like someone being in my space in bed.

It used to be so bad, and sometimes still is, that I couldn’t sleep if someone else was in the bed. Some nights, I’m not sure if it’s anxiety or what it is, but I stay up on my phone (on reddit or facebook) and no matter how long I put it down for or how long I lie with my eyes closed, the fact that someone is next to me makes it too uncomfortable for me to fall asleep.

It’s gotten really bad lately and in my mind, the one thing I keep thinking is, I’m going to be sleeping with this man every night soon. Every night in the same bed… what if this never goes away? What if I spend every night having a restless sleep or no sleep at all? What if he gets angered by my lack of intimacy that he decides to leave?

It’s like I’m more than capable of giving love but as for accepting love in – I just can’t do it. Some days, I wonder if I’m even capable of accepting love, because the people I have always had in my life have always ended up being spoilt by me, I give them the best of who I am and in turn get the worst of them or given little time, love or affection.

When I look back at the relationships I’ve had, the ones where the men loved me and treated me like a princess, were the ones I pushed away or got an ‘icky feeling’ about. The ones who let me be, where I was putting all the effort in and they rarely did – are the ones that I still miss or am still upset that the relationships didn’t work.

I know this is directly linked to my mother. When she was nice to me and when she did treat me with love and affection, it was closely followed by a spurt of abuse. I am sure this has large psychological effects, but through all the years of counselling and seeing psychologists, this is one thing that has never been addressed or brought up.

I’m such a big hypocrite and I’m starting to realise that I cry wolf and beg my partner to show me he loves me, but when he does, I push it away, feel uncomfortable or find a fault or flaw in his affection.

I know this is a horrible thing to do and detrimental to our relationship, but I honestly just don’t know how to make that nagging little feeling go away for good.

So here is my question to all you wise readers out there, what do I do? What are the little steps I need to take to be able to let this man love me without having this rising sense of fear/anxiety.

Advertisements

So Let’s Do It Like They Do On The Discovery Channel

Standard

A few years ago, one of my best friends met a guy who she has always described as the best sex of her life.  At the time, I was in a relationship with someone who I thought… THOUGHT i was going to spend the rest of my life with, solely because I assumed what we had was pretty good, until we got into the bedroom … Where the chemistry just seemed to disappear. I was in one of those situations where two of my best friends were in relationships, but mine had been longer than both so thought I was the wise one of the bunch ready to give advice here, there and everywhere.

This said best friend had the most amazing sex life, I mean these two would put rabbits to shame with their non-stop bedroom antics.  At the time I assumed it was just a sexual relationship. I was on my high horse and kept thinking it would only be a matter of time before the chemistry wore off, before she found out he was using her for sex or before they both just ran out of things to do in the bedroom…
d8388c326b348c37760b3d4a8c3f9da8
Oh how wrong I was.

I could not understand at that point in my life how someone could have such an amazing relationship with one person and not have it entirely revolve around sex – when it seemed that was the basis for their relationship.

My dad and his latest wife had an open relationship and though I never fully understood it, that coupled with the amount of males who used me solely for sex, made me think that being in a good relationship meant that the sex didn’t have to be spectacular – because spectacular sex just led to heartbreak… or empty feelings.

My friend is now happily engaged to this man, they have a daughter together and own a house together.  Meanwhile, that relationship I was in has long ended in a lot of heartbreak and confusion.

It wasn’t until this year .. in fact, this relationship I am in, that I realised how important it is to be so sexually confident, open and even liberated with the person you are dating and that in itself is a sign of good things to come.

Sex has always been up on my favourite activities, but I always thought you could have great sex and an average connection/no commitment or average/bad sex and an amazing connection/relationship.

One of my other best friends just got married to her love of eight years, and it wasn’t until I got to know them better that I realised you can still be in love, have a mutual respect and understanding of each other and have an amazingly fulfilling sex life – even after such a long time together.
db714b50ddd0d9beefa156dcf137c433

In fact, their marriage/relationship gets ‘frowned upon’ by another couple who have been together for just as long but maybe only have sex once every couple of months at best – they just think it’s all a show and that their connection isn’t genuine.  They do not understand how one of my best friends ‘leads this lifestyle’ with her now husband. 

I honestly used to think what they had was rare too and they were just ‘lucky’ in what they had or they were just very sexual people.  However,  upon several conversations with other married friends and workmates, I have realised that having a healthy sex life is one of the most important aspects in a relationship – that is what differs your relationship from a friendship.

If you’re in a deeply committed and fun relationship with someone, you should be able to express yourself in the bedroom, to feel sexy and wanted, to be able to explore your sexuality and desires without feeling as though you are being frowned, judged or looked down upon.

Whilst sex is not the be all and end all of relationships, it is vitally important in maintaining a successful and happy bond between two people.

So ladies and gents, do yourself a favour and spend a good hour or two exploring your sexuality and desires with your partner this weekend … after all, you deserve it… and I guarantee it will only do your relationship good …

 

3cae1567544156a72216f4e709a72853

As A Woman

Standard

As a girl growing up in the nineties, I was thrown into believing that being a working professional was the new norm…

I remember watching Ally McBeal and admiring her work ethic and strength as a woman. While her love life weened and males seemed to come in and out of her life leaving her heartbroken, she stood in the courtroom like an infallible golden idol.

My parents continuous break ups and messed up marriage made me determined that I would never focus on relationships, as they were too risky and troublesome, but to focus on getting good grades through school, learning as much as I could about the world and securing a uni degree and a career that required no reliance on a man.

As a young girl, my nanna told me that a woman’s place is by her husbands side. Keeping your husband and your family happy and maintaining a healthy image was what was most important as a woman.

As a teenager, I fell madly and deeply in love and all of a sudden my desire to stay single to focus on a career was thrown out the window. I wanted love. Pure, deep love but I wanted to remain independent – I didn’t want to rely on a man for more than affection because I wanted to prove I was capable of looking after myself and of forging my name into the history books as a standout female in whatever field I chose to specialise in.

As a teenager, I was told that I would learn to love providing for a male. That as time went by the urge to live my own life would subside and my main priority would be to live my life for those around me.

As a young adult, I found myself craving nothing more than quitting work to become a mother and raise a healthy bunch of children who bore his dark hair and blue eyes. I was ready to build a nest. I craved a reason to keep putting up with the constant fights and arguments. I begged for the universe to deliver what I wanted so someone, a child, would love me unconditionally.

As a young adult I was continuously told how lucky I was to have a career, to have freedom and passion to follow as all these things disappear the minute you have a family.

As a woman, I am tired of feeling as though I have to choose between wanting a career and wanting a family.
As a woman, I want to love unconditionally with all of my heart both my family, my partner and my career and not feel guilty for equally dividing my attention, wants or desires.

What any woman decides to do with her life is entirely in her hands. I am sick of seeing criticism of females who decide to be stay at home mums for “erasing hundreds of years of woman’s rights activism”. I am also sick of seeing criticism of females who decide not to bear children for not fulfilling their “sole duty as a female”.

Instead of teaching generations of young girls what is “acceptable” as a woman at different ages, it is time to accept that as a woman at any age, you have freedom of choice.

What you choose to do, is entirely up to you.

I Got That Going For Me, Which Is Nice

Standard

oh hey.. it’s 1am and I can’t sleep
I’m craving a peanut butter and honey sandwich so fricken bad right now, I’d give pregnant crack whores a run for their money ..

So i was laying in bed, thinking about how I should get up and make this sandwich as it might in fact make me fall asleep, and then I began thinking about how many calories might be in that sandwich which wasn’t brought on by the fact that I had just finished sighing over Emily Ratjkowski’s hotness …

Yes... She Is THAT chick from THAT film clip..

Yes… She Is THAT chick from THAT film clip..

you know, and the reason that I was looking at her Facebook page was because a crush I’ve had for over 10 years just happened to like it..

Seriously life has been made much worse since the invention of Facebook.

I know exactly what kind of girl my crush likes – and screw me.. but I do not have the time or money to waste on lip fillers or breast implants let alone going to a GYM… i mean .. who does that shit?

ok.. people who care.. .. and that’s just not me…

See i’m on this spiral at the moment, where life is handing me a shit load of lemons and I ain’t got no pastry and sugar to make me some sweet lemon tarts..

In fact, I actually have like cuts all over my metaphorical lemon loaded body, so it’s stinging even more than it should.

Oh? you thought this blog was going to be motivating and up lifting and inspiring… well guess what… SCREW YOU SOCIETY! I DON’T HAVE TO BE HAPPY AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!

On another note, I should quickly mention that I am aimlessly failing at my 100 days of happy challenge.. just putting it out there.. it is FUCKING HARD TO BE HAPPY 100 DAYS IN A ROW WHEN YOU ARE BEING PEGGED BY WATERMELON SIZED LEMONS !!

Ok, so where did this begin?

Well let see.. I got my heart broken (shutup .. I know I said I was fine, but after two months of bawlling my eyes out every time I get drunk.. I think I have accepted that I am just NOT over it just yet…), I got sick…and… well that’s about it… So I mean in the realm of possibilities and worldwide catastrophes, my life is NOT THAT BAD… but let me explain to you, why it actually in fact is.

 

1. I Got My Heart Broken
So a couple of months ago, literally just after it happened, I wrote about how fucking optimistic I was at what the future would hold, how I knew he was making a mistake, how blissfully happy I was to  be single.

What we call that, children, is positive re-inforcement or .. that other set of words that my brain fails to remember just when I need it but will remind me while I’m in the middle of taking a shit at 6pm the next night… (thanks Dick Brain!).  Point is, I kept trying to be happy, I kept forcing myself to be happy and social and date and move on and the truth was, I just wasn’t ready to.   After spending many a night calling my best friend in tears, asking WHY? Why can’t I be overly attracted and head over heels in love with the smart, sexy, Greek God, guitar playing, engineer who is ready to settle down? Why am I not getting butterflies? What the F is wrong with me when he is literally EVERYTHING i want in a guy, and yet I’m still in love with a guy who could barely count to ten… (ok that’s a bit harsh.. )

Her answer, ‘You’re not ready to move on’.

I am stubborn.. and hate being told to be patient or any other ‘let yourself heal’ bullshit, so told this wise and  mythical love goddess – “YOU ARE IN FACT WRONG! I WILL PROVE IT TO YOU BY SLEEPING WITH THIS GUY”.. and then crying all the way home on the phone to you for an hour… and then having major sexual withdrawals and body image issues ever since…

So thanks for that dick brain… that was an awesome move… Now.. If I can stop having erotic dreams about Greek Gods, that’d be fantastic too..

2. I Became Best Friends With A Dry Cab Sauv
Then! I decide to get drunk, ALOT .. .and not only try and call every single one, bar the last, of my exes for some kind of ‘explanation’ as to why I am so unlovable, but quite willingly put myself out there again to be used and abused by the same terrible exes…

Another phone call with the best friend went along the lines of,

“But what if I was wrong? What if he is THE ONE and maybe we needed to break up and spend time apart so that we could grow as people… and now.. it’s the right time and we are ready to settle down..?”
Wise and mythical love goddess returned with, “Bek… he didn’t make you cum in 6 months.. he still has no job.. he still thinks naming a child after a Lord of The Rings Character is a good idea… he is NOT THE ONE”…

(in case any of my exes/exes friends read this – this is not just one guy – this is actually based on a couple of guys and some exaggerated traits for the purpose of getting a point across to an intoxicated female).

Ok – point taken, next stop LESBO-VILLE!
I don’t know when, why or how – but my tinder is suddenly full of really not attractive lesbians … and vagina pics…
I don’t know why I always reach this conclusion, but by the third or fourth drunk break down it is as if I decide there is no way in hell I could ever date another man, so I might as well plow the carpet…or munch the rug…
Which, never lasts past ‘hello’ or a drunken pash, but some part of my subconscious is clearly lesbian and it always comes out at the worst of times and ends up with me kissing the wrong girls.

My dear friend Cab Sauv and I had a very eventful night… I attended a friends hens night (who happens to be marrying one of the exes best friends.. ok so like that’s how we met – but I’m totally claiming her in the divorce…) and oh HELLO exes other ex gf is there too (which I kinda expected) but then there also seems to be NO ONE LEFT IN MACKAY WHO DOES NOT KNOW HIM which is fucking awesome…

I spent the whole night questionning what the other ex was thinking of me (hey because you know, he fell in love with her and told me he could never fall in love with me); then crying because I realised how wonderful, lovely, cool, calm, collected, sober and lady like she was – while I’m sucking on a plastic penis. Then I spent the remaining parts of the night being told how much of a douche bag he was, how lucky I am to be single, how miserable he will be rah rah rah…. all the usual bull shit, people tell you to hope that you will move on and be fine… but really just ends up with you questioning why you dated someone who was clearly too messed up in the head to realise a good thing when they had it…

The next part is the best part… after consuming too much alcohol, spending money on pokies in spite of him (he loved them and I HATE THEM) and then deciding I in fact want to smoke, I run into him…

I'm so Pretty ... Oh So Pretty.. I'm So Pretty and Wity and ...

I’m so Pretty … Oh So Pretty.. I’m So Pretty and Wity and …

I don’t really remember much after that apart from pushing a plastic penis in the groom-to-be’s face and asking him if he liked it in and around his mouth, and then basically making out with every single girl in sight… yep… I even somehow met up with my Greek Guitar playing God, and somehow still decided it was better to make out with chicks? In turn, I caused a lot of pain and hurt to someone who I care about alot and felt very fucking stupid .. so I decided to walk home.

when I say home, I mean like 3ks down the road…

that was only because I couldn’t find a taxi driver who would take me home because I was too drunk and they were scared I was going to vomit…

I finally found a taxi driver to take me home, and on the way back to my house, contemplated asking him for his hand in marriage… He was from Punjab… his parents are putting pressure on him to get married.. I was horny and love sick..

Don’t worry – I’m still single… and still horny..

After waking up the next day and realising how bad I had behaved, I went to find my car keys and ALAS they have escaped me.  My only pair of car keys are no where to be found… and I therefore have to get my car towed, $400 + new keys cut $550 .. so it is safe to say that is the MOST EXPENSIVE HENS NIGHT I HAVE EVER BEEN TO! both in my dignity and … cash..

3. I Got Sick… Not Fully Sick..

So … Tuesday morning rolls around… I’m awake at 3am…
Worst stomach pains EVER… like … not even a kiss better from Gerard Butler would fix this shit.

Go to work anyway, cos I’m hardcore like that…

Comes to about 2pm .. pain is excruciating… go to doctors..
‘Are you pregnant?’

My first thought is “I got laid and didn’t even remember/enjoy it??!?”
My second thought is “Oh… that’s right… I ended up shutting that out of my memory because I’ve never had someone laugh at me during sex… Ever… Let alone three times…”
My third thought is “what did the doctor ask again?”

“Oh.. umm no.. .I mean.. I don’t have a partner… so umm no” Yeah that makes fucking sense you knob, because you’re clearly the virgin mary and don’t have sex out of wedlock.

Anyway, she calls the ambo’s immediately, pretty sure it’s my appendix and gives me a shot of morpheine.

Then she proceeds to ask if there is any way I could be pregnant…
This time my thought process is a bit shorter, but I tell her again, “No…” and leave out the ‘i don’t think so’ because that would require explanation…

Turns out, the pregnancy test they did came out positive….

FML ..

Second one turned out negative… now either the first was a faulty test or that foetus killed itself at the first chance it had before being associated to me and my trainwreck of a mind/life within its first futile moments..

The sad thing is – I actually had a glimmer of positive thought there – if I was pregnant it might mean a male would have to stick around in my life regardless of my social awkwardness..

tumblr_mi397d8Jgs1riyhgvo1_500

Fastforward ==>  Hospital ==>  Public ==> Not one single mildly attractive doctor ==> everyone keeps fucking poking my belly asking me, “Does this hurt” whilst I’m whincing/crying…. “nah it’s fine bro” ==> get asked twenty more effing times if I could be pregnant — are you not in the medical profession for a reason? Instead of constantly reminding me of my shitty sex life, how about you just do some tests that require no communication.. thanks ==> get appendix taken out ==> also have a ruptured ovarian cyst ==> alive – life is good…

So I’m  less of a woman now…
I’m missing my appendix..
I have three little scars from where they cut me open..
I am sore..

The only positive I can take from having my appendix removed is my addiction to pain killers is being satisfied! WINNNING (i’m joking kids…) They actually tried to discharge me just on Panadol… are the health cuts THAT BAD that you can remove an organ from someone but only provide them with low range pain relief???

Now, I have to take two weeks off work – which is like all of your annual sick leave (on most Australian employee agreements) in ONE GO and.. I’ve only been working for this company for three months, so I get unpaid two weeks off work… because I already used my sick leave last month when I was told I just had ‘gastro’ (turns out my appendix was like exploding you dumb mofo)… so I’m broke.. without a car.. .can’t afford to get my car back… suck at life and am refusing to let a perfectly amazing guy into my life because of my dick brain..

On the plus side – since I already had this surgery before, they cut over one of the old scars, and the new scar kinda intercepts and makes it look like a have secondary small vagina below my bellow button/pouring out of it..  So I got that going for me… which is nice…

How I Know I’m Getting Old

Standard

Yes, at the ripe old age of 24 … I have come to the realization that I am in fact … Old …

No I don’t shit my pants or have erection problems (I lie, I haven’t had sex in god knows how long so that in it self is an erection problem); but as I grow I am noticing things around me change.

My perception alone has changed a lot, but more than that my taste, my tolerance levels and my overall desires have incredibly and vastly changed since I was 18.

So here is my list of signs that you are inevitably getting older and uglier…

Me vs My Little Sister In Public

Me vs My Little Sister In Public

1) Clothing
I’ve been quite a sensible dresser for a few years, thanks to working in the corporate world, but I still find it funny when my little sister and I clash over opinion of clothing.  The other day we went shopping and while she wore a stunning outfit, had a beautiful face of makeup and was adorned in jewellery I wore a band shirt, some denim shorts and flats and hadn’t brushed my hair or applied makeup.

For her, going out shopping is a chance to make a statement about her style. But for me, it’s an unenjoyable chore. If I don’t have to put effort in, I won’t. I’d rather be comfortable, sans make up and in and out as quickly as possible.

I think looking at younger generations and not understanding their fashion is an age old sign of getting old – but man, does it ring trueDSC_3761-copy1! I honestly do not understand the need for girls to have shorts so small that their ass cheeks are hanging out and their vagina flaps are swaying in the wind… I was driving past a bunch of girls the other day and I couldn’t tell if they were going to a music festival or a strip club… I laughed when my baby sister said, “They look like skanky hoes…” (probably not appropriate language for a 7 year old but still hilarious)

In the words of Yves Saint Laurent, “fashions fade – style is eternal”; as you get older – this rings more true.

(2) I’m Gonna Pop Some Tags
My best friend sent me a message at how excited she was about her latest shop. I laughed because I cannot remember the last time I went on a shopping spree. She elaborated moments later by explaining how excited she was over how much she had saved and what am awesome sale Big W had on.

This is a sign you are getting old – you would rather SAVE money and only buy items on sale, instead of talking about how expensive and exclusive one item it is.

You get excited to go to KMart, Big W and Best and Less because really – who has the time or money to splurge at Myer? It’s like you have a lightbulb moment and you realise it’s all the same shit with different labels or brands on it – so why bother paying more for the same ?

On top of this, shopping for decor, gardening or home wares becomes much more exciting than anything else.

(3) Going to The Chapel.. and We’re Gonna Get… 
(i secretly hope you sung that song then in you’re head)
Obviously when everyone arMjAxMi1iNWEzMzAxNDYwYzI5Mzcxound you starts having babies and getting married you’re probably at that age that it’s expected.

However I think your mentality changes – instead of being jaded because how dare Lisa and Mike get married when Alfred and I have been dating for twice as long, you are actually just genuinely happy for your loved ones and friends.

The thought of being invited and participating in the most important day of someone’s life actually makes ycd972b419c81341112764cb52827ac2aou so incredibly happy inside and gives you little butterflies – not to mention all the free alcohol and hot random wedding sex.

Then comes the babies …

When one of my best friends had her baby, I felt this amazing sense of love for this little human that I barely knew – it was such a weird feeling and I still don’t understand it. But I think it’s because you love and admire this child’s parents so much that you cannot help but adore this bundle of human skin and poo…

(4) Bedtime is The Shit
I mean this. I actually get excited for bed from the moment I leave it.

It’s like a fluffy haven of warmth and love that will never let me down.

I honestly can’t remember the last time I stayed out clubbing or drinking past 12… I’d much rather have a good nights sleep and no hangover…. Thankkkk you very much!

(5) Wine and Cheese, Please
How amazing is wine and cheese ??
I remember being a kid and even the smell of wine made me want to vomit and Camembert was the equivalent of squashed maggot guts… Yeah … That’s how much I hated it.

Now I’m much older, the thought of opening a bottle of Cab Sauv on a Friday night or sitting down with some friends with a plate if Brie, Feta and Camembert is the ideal social setting.

(6) They Call Me The Ironchef
Ask me two years ago what I could cook, the answer would be 2 minute noodles. These days I’m literally the iron chef. I get so excited to make exciting new dishes and get my family’s reactions and thoughts on how to improve.  Seeing other people enjoy what I make, is so rewarding.

It’s like a whole new world of creation and exploration … And food is amazing – end of story.

(7) Sex? Meh
Casual Sex and the thought of it is just too tiring for me these days.

From someone who had a few … ermm… ‘friends with benefits’… scheduled in on different nights of the week, when I lived in Brisbane, the fact that casual sex just bores me these days would be pretty shocking td05afe45ed5dbdbfc8564d3802d845b9o a few people.

I love sex, I do. In fact I pride myself on how well I please my man, when I’m in a relationship.

But spending time and effort on someone I barely know – it actually irks me these days.

I used to like casual sex, but I realised I don’t like the aftermath. The awkward cuddles and kisses. I don’t want to kiss your mouth – I don’t even like you beyond your penis and what you do with it. I’d rather just get it done, have fun and leave. I don’t want to “snuggle” or talk and pretend there is anything more than a sexual connection between us.

Another light bulb moment you have as you get older is how amazing sex is with someone when there is a deep connection beyond just a physical attraction.  Casual sex can end up feeling so hollow and pointless – particularly if they don’t know what they’re doing or know what works for you.

I have decided It’s just too hard and complicated these days  to find the desire to have a one night stand… And really a vibrator does a better job than most males I have met.

(8) If You Can Learn To Do It, I Can Learn To Do It
I feel so inspired and excited to learn or try new things. I just built a veggie patch, started hockey again, I’m trying to learn a new language and I want to know how to use a circular saw…

Ask me to do any of these things as a teenager or as a young twenty something… I could not be bothered.

All of a sudden it’s like a new zest for life comes back. You realise how awesome Betterc5a914384dafcb9a5e20bebe3a912eb4 Homes and Gardens really is. Pinterest is your best friend. You begin to look for new hobbies or things to do, because “why not?” – maybe it’s also based on a fear that we’re getting older and should have more life skills to teach our children or show off to our friends…

Or perhaps it we have a realisation at some point, that these people who know how to sew, build, saw, canoe, cook, speak five different languages – all began somewhere.  They’re not ‘legends of myth’ but just real people who drink, eat, sleep and shit just the way we all do.

All I know is learning something new, building or creating something with your own bare hands or mind, is really liberating and invigorating.

(9) Club Can’t Even Handle Me Right Now
Like literally.. the club can’t handle me, because they fucking kick me out when I get ridiculously drunk by 11pm and cry to a bouncer about how I just got dumped and how no one will ever love me.

But seriously, I have reached a point where going out dancing, clubbing, crumping and twerking just does not do it for me.  On top of this, you have to play a dangerous game of ‘will I be a paedophile if I talk to/touch that cute boy over there’ because all of a sudden, everyone is younger than you!

I’ve also noticed everyone these days is just too cool for school.  They sit in a corner, get drunk, walk around in circles checking out the ‘scenery’ and wait until some hot guy/girl is drunk enough to have the courage to talk to them.

Meanwhile, I’m just doing my ‘T-Rex’ stalking behind guys…

(10) Date? No, I Prefer Sultanas.

One thing that is inevitable when you get older, is your tolerance levels change.. they rise for certain people and scenarios and extremely decrease in others.  Dating is one where I have found my tolerance levels have extremely decreased.

When I was much younger I was so excited at the prospect of being asked out on a date.  I spent days before hand figuring out what to wear, planning what i would say, training myself to not show him my cool ability of being able to ‘quack’ like a duck if the conversation got boring.. and try my best NOT to sleep with them on the first date.   There were hours and hours of effort I put in to these dates, even though 9/10 were absolute duds who couldn’t even afford to pay for my dinner.

85335c13771418909e2442bc5a513127These days, I cannot be bothered ‘hooking up’ or ‘dating’.  The whole idea or thought of letting someone in, putting in all that time and effort for little guaranteed satisfaction is just too wasteful for me to bother.

I like meeting new people, and I’ve been on a few dates since being single again.  But I find myself struggling to even care or to even make the effort.  I actually even asked one guy if I had to shower after my hockey game before having dinner with him…

My issue, that I’ve just uncovered thanks to a great conversation with my exes mother today, I’m too impatient to let a relationship take it’s natural course.

I am straight forward and don’t have time to waste wondering if someone likes me or not.  I don’t want to continuously go on ‘dates’ with someone for three months and wonder if we’re ready to be ‘facebook offical’ yet.  If you invite me over, I’m not going to hold my pee in and die of .. pee related diseases (it is possible, right?).  I’m not going to get up in the morning first, brush my teeth, apply makeup, brush my hair and lie back in bed like I just naturally wake up gorgeous.  If you’re going to be with someone in the long term, you’re going to see them in their rawest and unsexiest state. So I will be my honest and rawest self from the start so as to avoid any disappointment down the track.

The issue apparently with this is it leaves no mystery, if you give someone everything from the start – there is nothing more of you for them to discover.  There’s no want or desire for them to try and pry more out of you, when you lay it all flat on the table. It’s like buying a see through Kinder Surprise and not getting to even eat the chocolate… how effing boring!

The matter of the fact is, when you get older, part of you wants that eternal relationship.. but part of you also realises that when the time is right, it will happen.  Anything forced seems to end up in heartbreak and hurt, yet anything that happens on the whim, or spontaneous, is fun.  Meeting new people is great, but just because you date someone doesn’t mean you have to continue dating them.  You learn that it is ok to let people go and to just ‘be friends’ or to completely cut ties with people who have no purpose in your life.

It’s a bullshit fairytale we’re fed when we’re young that we are only ‘complete’ when we find our ‘true love’. If you’re waiting for that, I have bad news for you.  You’re the only person who can ‘complete’ yourself.  Figure out what is missing in your life, and go and freaking do it! Don’t say, “oh I want a tall dark man, who likes to swim with sharks and plays guitar”.  Most of the time what we want in other people is what we are lacking in ourselves.  So go out there and swim with sharks, learn how to play guitar and hell! even get a freaking sex change! (ok.. no seriously don’t do that, it’s too expensive… but hey onn the plus side you might win Eurovision?). 127978-8f18b89a-d955-11e3-917f-8bca2ad8cf46
(11) You Actually Understand How Important It Is to Love Yourself

It’s told to us a million times when we’re younger, but it only sinks in when we’re much older – LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU LOVE ANYONE ELSE.

When I was much younger, I didn’t understand why anyone wanted to date me, sleep with437124b298501b8a10f07ae0aedf423d me or even talk to me.  So I thought that this person was amazing for wanting to do so, and didn’t know if anyone else would want to sleep with me and found myself in quite a bit of trouble and bad situations as well as a head full of regret.  I didn’t think what I had or who I was, was very special or important or worth holding on to…. I treated myself like a bargain bin lipstick.  I proceeded to be treated accordingly not only in personal relationships, but also at work – I let people treat me like I had no value so it didn’t matter if they bruised me, broke me or destroyed me.

If you don’t learn to love yourself as an adult you will let everyone walk all over you.  You’re going to give away your goods like they are $1 specials at Coles – and no one, NO ONE wants cheap, shit.  WE want a quality person to have fun with, not someone who feels so desperate and vulnerable they throw themselves at anyone who pays them attention.

 

In Conclusion… 

Getting old is not a burden or a curse.  It is a blessing and one that a lot of people never get to experience.

So embrace yourself, your lessons learned and your hardships because they are all making you a stronger, wiser, better you.

 

Go get em tiger xo

3d6bd6e9e86f12aca32574e6c6cce13d

Embrace

Standard

He rhetorically asked,
“I don’t know how you could fall in love with me within a few weeks?”
I laughed and at that moment knew he didn’t even love himself and therefore failed to understand how anyone else could.

“I never said I was madly or deeply in love with you – I said I love you, and I still do. I love you for who you are and everything you make me feel. You’re an incredible person and me saying I love you, is my way of saying I completely appreciate all of you.”

I was never asking for love in return.
I give love freely and sometimes a bit too easily…
Why?

Because what is this world without love and appreciation.

All too often we critisice and judge others; speak hateful words in front of them or behind their backs.

But we do it more to ourselves than anyone else.

I didn’t ever need you to love me back.
I have spent a long time learning to love myself.
I appreciate my qualities and what I have to offer.

I was happy in my knowledge that I was the reason you smiled and laughed in the moments we spent together.

All I ever needed you to do, was to love yourself.

That way, when someone gives you their love – you’ll know to accept it.
Rather than pushing it away and rejecting it, you’ll allow yourself to be happy.

You’ll realise you deserve to be happy.
You deserve to laugh and smile.
You deserve to be respected, admired and appreciated.

Life is far too short to hide behind fears of intimacy and rejection.

Embrace your capacity to be happy and someone’s else’s willingness to make you happy.

That is all I ever asked for.

Embrace love and you’ll truly embrace life.

20140624-215849-79129761.jpg

What’s The Time Mr Wolf?

Standard

Time…

The force that controls our life more than we ever want it to, since the day we are born we are defined by time and what we do with that time.

We spend hours upon hours complaining at the time it takes to get lunch, finish that project at work, complete study and how far away the weekend is and yet how quickly it also disappears.

I look at life now, and I wish I had known years ago how precious time was when I was younger – instead of spending hours complaining or waiting for something to happen… I wish I had just spent it taking myself up on those challenges, working harder to forge stronger friendships and more time with the people who had little time left on this planet…

The time itself was always going to pass, that was inevitable… but what I did with it, that’s what changed the world and who I am now…

 

Timing itself is the real bitch in life.

You can meet the most incredible person, spend hour upon hour smiling in their presence, not release how much time has passed and then watch them in a couple of seconds push you away forever.

All those hours, minutes and seconds spent laughing, cuddling, kissing, making love, just enjoying being together are lost in time because for one reason or another… the timing wasn’t right in their life.

 

You can be and have everything… but if that person isn’t at a time in their life where they are ready for endless time together – then it means nothing.

So once your heart is broken, once you decide it’s time to be alone and re-build your confidence and self esteem, how are you expected to let someone in?

What if, the timing wasn’t right for them, and now the timing isn’t right for you to let a seemingly amazing person in?

Someone, who says they’re willing to wait – but doesn’t realise that the time they spend waiting for you to be ready, is time they could be spending loving the right person – while you’re still loving the wrong person. While you sit there hoping that as time goes by, they’ll only miss you rather than move on.  When in reality, you’re wasting time waiting for a love that will never be returned.

I wish I had more time with you – because I’m still struggling to believe you have no time left for me.

Now, I have no space in my heart, to want to give time to someone who so obviously deserves it.

All because I gave you more time than you were ever ready to spend on me.