My Ideal

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About 6 years ago, I sat down with my beautiful friend V and had a discussion that changed my life forever.   V is one of those people who everyone who meets her, falls in love with her warmth and wisdom.  She continuously teaches me how to be a loving person and how to forgive and move forward.

One late evening, I found myself with V at a McCafe most likely having a chocolate frappe and discussing the latest heartbreak we were both recovering from.

Then and there V decided it would be a good decision to stop dating people who failed to meet our standards because one way or another these men wound up hurting us and we were honestly getting too fat from the amount of junk food and chocolate cocktails we consumed over heartbreak conversations.

At first, I was really hesitant to make such a list because I thought surely this list is just going to be too hard for any man to meet.  I knew I had high expectations and also didn’t think very highly of myself at the time so thought that no matter what I put on that list, no man would ever tick all the boxes.

As the years passed, I found myself re-reading the list from time to time and laughing at how impossible it was when I was trying to convince myself that the person I was dating was my life partner.  I also found myself reading it and tried to compromise this list as I thought that maybe just maybe I was too harsh or asked for too much.

Little did I know, what I was doing, trying to compromise qualities and traits that made my ideal man, was actually just belittling myself and telling myself it was ok to settle for second best.

The truth is, someone out there did exist, I just hadn’t met them yet.  I continuously met men who fell short of the mark and told myself it was ok and then in turn ended up getting heart broken.

Here is the original list:

1. emotionally developed/prepared
2. strong mentally and physically
3. happy to spend a whole day in bed with me just dozing in and out of sleep
4. happy to spend all night talking about anything and everything
5. loves to have a great night out without getting trashed
6. looks attractive scruffy (loose hair, not shaved) but also shapes up well when groomed
7. know how to separate work and personal life and doesn’t bring the stress from work home every night
8. doesn’t hold grudges (forgives but never forgets)
9. creatively blessed
10. understands my sense of humour and has a good laugh
11. his smile lights up the world
12. ambitous to succeed
13. enjoys his work
14. understands the importance of independence but know when to depend on me and is there for me to depend on
15. willing to make an effort
16. spontaneous lover
17. passionate
18. loves adventure and new experiences
19. broadens my mind
20. isn’t extremely emotional but isn’t callous either
21. willing to confide in me
22. has a good circle of friends
23. understands the importance of family and unity
24. willing to surprise me without telling me there is a surprise in store
25. honest, genuine and open
26. has an appreciation of history and different cultures
27. a dedicated hard worker
28. Speaks of his exes as ladies – doesn’t refer to them in any demeaning terms
29. Has strong direction on where his career is going
30. Has a car or a reliable form of transport
31. Sticks to his word – does what he says he will all the time
32. Is willing to spend money to have a good time but knows where to draw the line
33. Does not make me sacrifice/cull my shoe collection
34. Has a good taste in fashion (but NOT metro)
35. Appreciates my family and is more than willing to commit to them when he commits to me
36. Will be my best friend first and my lover second
37. Puts his 2 cents worth in
38. Is able to sustain conversation in any social scenario
39. Can converse with a broad range of people
40. Does not question my words and understands it is solely creative outlet
41. Does not swear every second word
42. Keeps up to date with the news and current world affairs
43. Takes the time and effort to make love
44. Does not make me feel used after sex
45. Kisses me everyday before he leaves, and greets me with a kiss
46. Is willing to kiss me/hold my hand/carry me in public
47. Not afraid to ask me/take me on a date and insists to pay for everything
48. Listens
49. Accepts that when I’m hormonal it’s not him or us, it’s just hormones!
50. Has a good taste in music – not just what is on the radio
51. Is willing to talk and work things out, learn from the mistakes, admit fault (where necessary), apologise and move on.
52. Has eyes I just get lost in
53. Doesn’t have any bad addictions or substance abuse
54. Has life experience and has learnt from the past
55. Well educated and always striving to learn more
56. Loves live music
57. Understands the importance of having separate lives but also sharing one together
58. Keeps to his word
59. Is not two-faced
60. Treats me with the utmost respect at home and in public
61. Always introduces me as his partner
62. Romantic like an old-school gentlemen (opens doors, pulls out chairs etc.)
63. Returns calls/messages
64. Makes me feel secure in his feelings towards me
65. Talks to me first about any concerns with our relationship
66. Accepts my need for time/space when I’m angry
67. Thinks I’m beautiful naked and without any make-up on
68. Tells me constantly how grateful he is of little things I do when I go out of my way to make him happy/surprise him.
69. Does not have any baggage with exes
70. Does not flirt with anyone and everyone
71. Challenges me
72. Stimulates my mind
73. Appreciates nature and actively open to bushwalking, 4wd adventures etc.
74. Can teach me things I never knew
75. Has traveled
76. Is able to make decisions on where to go and what to do without my input
77. Likes to take me out to a nice Mediterranean/Italian restaurant with a bottle of red/white wine every once in while but is also up for a quiet DVD night with Pizza and coke.
78. Does not feel sorry for me/my past and understands it has made me the person I am today
79. Does not dwell on the past of what could’ve been
80. Learns from mistakes

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The amazing thing about writing a list like this, is understanding that these are values that you shouldn’t just look for in a life partner, but that you should posses yourself and that you should equally look for in friends.

When we first started dating, I tried my very best to push him away. I made excuses to not enter in a relationship because we met by chance a week after I had my heart shattered. While we dated for about 3 months or so, I continuously led him on – I told several of my friends that this man was everything I had ever wanted but something didn’t feel right…

(A) I wasn’t over my ex
And (b) I believed that I didn’t deserve this wonderful man … That he would soon think of me as I did myself.

The truth is, I called things off early on and told him I just wanted to be friends because I couldn’t stand the thought of not spending time together but I wasn’t emotionally ready to let someone else in.

Weeks passed and it wasn’t until I had a conversation with one of the most inspirational women I know, that things changed. My dear friend Tracey knew I deserved this mans love and attention and that he was so willing to give. She told me to wake up and realize that the only thing holding me back was me – I didn’t want to be happy or loved because I didn’t think I was worthy of it. She asked me what more could I want in a man – and when I couldn’t answer she said, if you don’t take him someone else will and you will always regret not giving it a shot. I am so damn thankful every day for that conversation.

Meeting someone who ticks all these boxes, who loves me unconditionally, who is a man that I adore, admire and look up to every day, who is my best friend, is life changing.

While I continuously dated men who didn’t meet these standards, I was also allowing toxicity in all forms into my life.  I was working in jobs that I hated where I was bullied and harassed. I stood by friends who were disloyal, immoral and two faced.  I let myself believe that I wasn’t worthy of anyone or anything unless it was toxic and unhealthy.  In turn, I let go of  some amazing people unintentionally because they could see how toxic my life was and knew they wouldn’t allow that in their own lives.  c7817b26e44929f43f68e3e115e6a30d

While meeting someone who has treated me like no one else ever has, is such a rewarding time in my life, it is also very bittersweet because I have  learnt quickly how I should have always been treated by friends, family and ex lovers.   It has become obvious who is meant to be in your life – there are those who are simply there for the ‘good times’, those who are only in your life because you’ve never had the courage to let go and those in your life because of the mutual love and respect you share.

These last few months have been hard because I’ve started to see true colours of a lot people who entered my life when I hated myself.  I realised they valued me as much as I valued myself back when we met, which was not very much.  I began to realise that the people you choose to have in your life are a reflection of yourself – and I hated that reflection.  The reflection I wanted was in the man who swept me off my feet.e5fec70b9e2c89e939aeb26775a9c524

I now can see so much clearer when I am with him.  I have learnt that I will no longer settle for anything less than happiness, honesty and loyalty when it comes to all aspects of my life.  His love has taught me that I do deserve good things because if someone this amazing can choose me over everyone else, than perhaps I should start choosing myself first.

The best part of this story: on November 22, 2014 Peter and myself were completely honored to travel down to GC to watch my friend V marry the man of her dreams.  So perhaps, if you find yourself continuously disappointed or let down, you should make a list yourself and don’t settle until your ‘list’ comes along in human form.  There is nothing wrong with wanting the best for yourself – it isn’t selfish it is simply self preservation.  The most rewarding part is, when that person comes along – every single person in your life who adores you, will adore them too and it will feel as if everything is just as it is meant to be.

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Lessons in Friendships

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Recently, I was really hurt by the actions of a few people who I had considered friends, even good friends at one point in my life.
These are people who I constantly stood up for when others were putting down, constantly praised and let them know I cared about them and even let them stay in my place when they were traveling.

Their actions to talk about me behind my back profusely putting me down and then simply ‘delete’ me out of their lives, hurt immensely.

I wasn’t even given an explanation or a chance to understand the reasoning, which was the worst part – because obviously whatever had been said behind my back had been enough to make these people decide I was no longer worthy of their friendship.

This took a massive toll on my happiness and my life the weeks preceding.

It made me wonder how people can be so callous and just rid people of their lives when they no longer serve a purpose. More so, how a group of adults can ‘gang up’ on one person and leave them out and gossip about them in what resembles a high school ‘clique’.

My partner and several of my friends kept telling me that it is not worth the stress, that if they were decent enough people they would have given me an ‘explanation’ or at least had the decency to raise the issue instead of simply outing me without a word.

The little optimist in me is trying to figure out what I can learn from this experience, and I think I may have found out what it is.

Like any negative experience in life, it has changed my perspective and if anything, made my heart a bit stronger and my head a bit harder.

There are lessons that I have learnt that from here on in, will hopefully ensure that I am not hurt the way I have been recently, because I am better than that.

(1) Accept That People Change and Not Always For The Better
As we get older and different life events occur, our tastes and likes change.  This is also shaped by our career choices/jobs, hobbies and relationships.  Just think, who you chose as friends when you were maybe 5 or 6 would have been for completely different reasons than who you choose today. Sometimes we just have to move on and accept that a person we once loved and cared for dearly is just not the same person we see today – don’t try to hold on to someone who no longer exists; it will only cause pain.

Some relationships do have expiry dates, and you really need to just accept that sometimes that is the case.  Do the right thing first though and give that person the benefit of the doubt and raise the concerns you have with them – then make your decision from there.

But be honest and true to yourself – if that person is not someone you want in your life, let them go… don’t ignore the warning signs that this friendship is over.

(2) Ignorance is Not Bliss
If friends or loved ones start doing things that you personally don’t agree with or understand, and it’s not just a once off, maybe it’s time to consider if this friendship is all it’s fired up to be and if you really want that person in your life.

Don’t ignore warning signs – if you wouldn’t accept your brother or sister doing these things, or even your partner, than why should you accept a friend doing them?

A big thing I am aware of is how someone talks about other people behind their backs and how honest they are.  If someone constantly talks about other people behind their backs to you in demeaning and derogatory terms, there is a very good chance they’ll do the same to you as soon as possible.  If they do not understand the importance of honesty and respect to someone they consider a ‘friend’ then why should they treat you any different?

Don’t play ignorant to who someone really is – if they are sweet to others faces then malicious behind their backs, don’t let their sweetness to your face fool you.  Be very careful what you trust this person with and how much of yourself you give them – as they will probably only take it for granted.

(3) Learn Who Is Who – Soul Mate, Good Friend and Acquaintance
A big issue I always face is that I become blindsided to the things people do that I don’t agree with or don’t necessarily like.  I make excuses for people I like and I don’t re-asses that persons role in my life until they really cause me to – or they ‘break up’ with me first.  It hurts, because most people will rid others quite quickly and easily (as I’ve just been proven) and won’t even give a second thought to it.

For years I was defending this girl who I considered a good friend when really she was nothing more than an acquaintance. In the end I gave this girl too much power to hurt me, and that is what she did very well.

When I look back on it now – particularly now that this girl has shown her ‘true colours’ to me, I really had no reason to defend this girl or even consider her a friend.2b382e99ce017747e20febf6953f39d1

When I think about it, she really was the epitome of someone I would have utterly no respect for, yet I found myself defending her time and time again solely because she was a really sweet, nice girl … at least to my face.

There is nothing wrong with being friends with people who have different life goals or life experiences, but the biggest mistake I made was thinking that this person would understand and appreciate my friendship.  It turned out pretty nasty with her saying some horrible things behind my back and in turn whispering into ears of some other people I thought would be big enough to make their own mind up over situations, rather than solely taking her spin on it as gospel.

There are people in life that you can truly consider soul mates, people that you can consider good friends and people that are meant to be acquaintances.  It’s super important not to confuse these boundaries and not to let people in further than they are meant to be – because in turn, there will be a lot of confusion due to difference in opinions and this will only result in fights or heart break.

It’s not that one person is right and the other is wrong – it’s simply that we are entitled to differences of opinion but the way one person construes your actions and words may in fact be entirely incorrect but that is based on their life experiences and what they would do/say in the same situation. It takes a lot of effort and patience to continuously clarify their interpretation of what you have said or done, and sometimes it’s just not worth it.

Instead – let them think what they want – they probably don’t deserve to be such a big part of your heart and life anyway if they consistently put a negative spin on everything you do or say and misconstrue this to make their actions seem saintly. These people should never pass the ‘acquaintance’ phase.

Your soul mates will have been through similar circumstances in life and therefore will see your soul and the good intention behind your actions.  They will understand you to your core and you will rarely ever find yourself apologizing or explaining your actions or words to them.

Good friends on the other hand are those people that maybe you’ve been friends with so long that you don’t remember how you met – but you have a mutual respect and love for each other.  Sometimes you might have disagreements due to misunderstanding but you both honestly know that your life would be much worse without that person in it.  That the person is a great asset to your life and you genuinely care about them understanding you if they have misunderstood something and taken it the wrong way.

To be honest, my best friends weren’t necessarily my ‘soul mates’ up until now and some friends I see more often than others don’t even hold that status.  But I know the need for boundaries and making clear my intentions behind my actions with these people so I don’t end up causing unnecessary hurt.

(4) Be Honest but Tactful
The biggest thing I have learnt this year is that there are a lot of people that live their lives with their heads in the sand and would rather avoid any conflict than be honest and truthful.

It is a heartbreaking lesson I have learnt as I end up being ‘the bad guy’ in many instances where I am the only one who is straight forward and honest with someone based on an issue many people are having.  Although it seems there are a lot of people who would prefer to gossip and talk about others behind their backs, you need to decide if you would be ok if someone was doing this to you.  If the answer is no, then don’t do it to someone else.

I am sometimes a bit too brutally honest and don’t hold back and this is where tact comes in.  You have to learn the right circumstances and right time to tell someone a truth which they may not want to hear – and in the meant time, don’t go an gossip or bitch to others or hold off until it boils and you let it out without any tact.

Take time to breathe and assess whether the perceived issue is a real issue, whether it is your issue or someones else’s and if it is your place to discuss this with the person.  Also, make sure that you’re not just relying on what others are saying because I can GUARANTEE this will result in you being blamed for others words being put in your ear.

You can’t be honest on behalf of everyone – only yourself.

(5) Know Who You Are
I know I drone on and on about this, but the truth is, when someone leaves your life for better or for worse, you need to know who you are without them in your life.  You need to be confident in yourself to know when you need to apologise or when you need to move on.  If you don’t know yourself, then you will let anyone who enters your life shape you and change you and it will be much easier to lose friends this way than any other way.

Know what you love, what makes you happy, who makes you happy and then continue living your life without that person.

I made the tough decision to move to Brisbane when I had just finished school and lost a lot of friends along the way.  I then made the harder decision of leaving Brisbane to come back to Mackay just before I turned 22 and in turn lost even more friends.

I didn’t notice this loss straight away but over the years, it seems that I am learning that it is hard to maintain any kind of long distance relationship – sooner or later you need to accept that you are no longer as close as you used to be to people who live 1000km away from you.

I constantly puf676ed79040540c759c0eb60170f29c0t in effort and time with my friends in Brisbane and it was only recently that someone brought up “how many times have your Brisbane friends visited you?” … it really got me thinking and I actually got quite upset and angry that while I would go down on spare weekends and in holidays and birthdays to visit some people I considered my ‘friends’, it was never reciprocated.

I’m not angry anymore, but having realised this, I’m more open with myself as to the strength of certain relationships and their commitment to me and from there have been able to decide how willing I am to open my heart to them.

I am a strong believer that everyone who enters your life, enters for a reason and if they leave – they leave for a reason too.

You can’t be friends with everyone but you can be friends with the right people who will only enhance your life if you just listen to yourself and your instincts.

So while I may have been shunned and ignored by a few people, I have learnt a great deal about who I really want and actually deserve in my life.  Hopefully, from here on in, I’m a bit more selective.
Last but not least, KNOW who you want in your life and who you don’t…

I want people who have a zest for life – not just living.  Who embrace the world and new found people in a way that celebrates them, not belittles them.  I want people who understand the importance of once in a lifetime events and cherish and treasure sentimentality over things of monetary value.  I want people who are hard working, willing to take risk, have passion and drive to do what they love and create things of beauty.  I want people who have traveled, if not the world at least their soul.

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I only want people in my life, who want to be loved and treated like a friend.  Who are willing to hear the harsh truth rather than live life in a small rut with backstabbers and two faced, small minded people who are only ever ‘nice’ without any critiscm or truth in their words.  I only want people in my life who are TRUE to themselves and their desires – who don’t back down the minute someone enters their life that has a different opinion.  Who know what they want, who they want and where they want to be in life and are willing to get it.  I don’t want to sit there and question a friends continuously confusing choices because who they have told me they are is completely different to who they are – or maybe the don’t even know themselves.

I don’t want leeches… life suckers.. those that only know pessimism, negativity and mediocre.  I don’t want weaklings who have only survived thus far by relying on everyone else and have never had to stand on their own two feet.  I don’t want to be part of ‘The Plastics’ or the clique if it means backstabbing those who are closest to me and acting so two faced you can’t remember who you have lied to and who you haven’t.  I don’t want untrust-worthy. I don’t want deceit. I don’t want people who are simply ‘comfortable’ with their life, their choices, their job and their partner… those that take life for granted and believe they are simply owed this life.

I don’t want people who want recognition or reward without effort – and I mean real effort and work. I don’t want people who feel as though they are ‘experienced’ by association of someone else who has suffered hardships.  I don’t want ‘victims’ or ‘cry-babies’.  We all have hardships and we all choose how we deal with these and how we manage – we choose whether we simply survive or if we thrive.

Most of all.. I want to be able to look at my friends and say ‘WOW’.
Everyday I already feel so lucky and incredibly blessed to have met some amazing people in my life and to consider some of these people my friends.  From here on in, only those that inspire me, move me and mutually love and respect me will deserve a place in my life and in my heart.  People who can’t handle the truth, who want to constantly think negatively of me and paint me to be a monster I am not – you can quite frankly leave and never return.  I am done.

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I Got That Going For Me, Which Is Nice

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oh hey.. it’s 1am and I can’t sleep
I’m craving a peanut butter and honey sandwich so fricken bad right now, I’d give pregnant crack whores a run for their money ..

So i was laying in bed, thinking about how I should get up and make this sandwich as it might in fact make me fall asleep, and then I began thinking about how many calories might be in that sandwich which wasn’t brought on by the fact that I had just finished sighing over Emily Ratjkowski’s hotness …

Yes... She Is THAT chick from THAT film clip..

Yes… She Is THAT chick from THAT film clip..

you know, and the reason that I was looking at her Facebook page was because a crush I’ve had for over 10 years just happened to like it..

Seriously life has been made much worse since the invention of Facebook.

I know exactly what kind of girl my crush likes – and screw me.. but I do not have the time or money to waste on lip fillers or breast implants let alone going to a GYM… i mean .. who does that shit?

ok.. people who care.. .. and that’s just not me…

See i’m on this spiral at the moment, where life is handing me a shit load of lemons and I ain’t got no pastry and sugar to make me some sweet lemon tarts..

In fact, I actually have like cuts all over my metaphorical lemon loaded body, so it’s stinging even more than it should.

Oh? you thought this blog was going to be motivating and up lifting and inspiring… well guess what… SCREW YOU SOCIETY! I DON’T HAVE TO BE HAPPY AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!

On another note, I should quickly mention that I am aimlessly failing at my 100 days of happy challenge.. just putting it out there.. it is FUCKING HARD TO BE HAPPY 100 DAYS IN A ROW WHEN YOU ARE BEING PEGGED BY WATERMELON SIZED LEMONS !!

Ok, so where did this begin?

Well let see.. I got my heart broken (shutup .. I know I said I was fine, but after two months of bawlling my eyes out every time I get drunk.. I think I have accepted that I am just NOT over it just yet…), I got sick…and… well that’s about it… So I mean in the realm of possibilities and worldwide catastrophes, my life is NOT THAT BAD… but let me explain to you, why it actually in fact is.

 

1. I Got My Heart Broken
So a couple of months ago, literally just after it happened, I wrote about how fucking optimistic I was at what the future would hold, how I knew he was making a mistake, how blissfully happy I was to  be single.

What we call that, children, is positive re-inforcement or .. that other set of words that my brain fails to remember just when I need it but will remind me while I’m in the middle of taking a shit at 6pm the next night… (thanks Dick Brain!).  Point is, I kept trying to be happy, I kept forcing myself to be happy and social and date and move on and the truth was, I just wasn’t ready to.   After spending many a night calling my best friend in tears, asking WHY? Why can’t I be overly attracted and head over heels in love with the smart, sexy, Greek God, guitar playing, engineer who is ready to settle down? Why am I not getting butterflies? What the F is wrong with me when he is literally EVERYTHING i want in a guy, and yet I’m still in love with a guy who could barely count to ten… (ok that’s a bit harsh.. )

Her answer, ‘You’re not ready to move on’.

I am stubborn.. and hate being told to be patient or any other ‘let yourself heal’ bullshit, so told this wise and  mythical love goddess – “YOU ARE IN FACT WRONG! I WILL PROVE IT TO YOU BY SLEEPING WITH THIS GUY”.. and then crying all the way home on the phone to you for an hour… and then having major sexual withdrawals and body image issues ever since…

So thanks for that dick brain… that was an awesome move… Now.. If I can stop having erotic dreams about Greek Gods, that’d be fantastic too..

2. I Became Best Friends With A Dry Cab Sauv
Then! I decide to get drunk, ALOT .. .and not only try and call every single one, bar the last, of my exes for some kind of ‘explanation’ as to why I am so unlovable, but quite willingly put myself out there again to be used and abused by the same terrible exes…

Another phone call with the best friend went along the lines of,

“But what if I was wrong? What if he is THE ONE and maybe we needed to break up and spend time apart so that we could grow as people… and now.. it’s the right time and we are ready to settle down..?”
Wise and mythical love goddess returned with, “Bek… he didn’t make you cum in 6 months.. he still has no job.. he still thinks naming a child after a Lord of The Rings Character is a good idea… he is NOT THE ONE”…

(in case any of my exes/exes friends read this – this is not just one guy – this is actually based on a couple of guys and some exaggerated traits for the purpose of getting a point across to an intoxicated female).

Ok – point taken, next stop LESBO-VILLE!
I don’t know when, why or how – but my tinder is suddenly full of really not attractive lesbians … and vagina pics…
I don’t know why I always reach this conclusion, but by the third or fourth drunk break down it is as if I decide there is no way in hell I could ever date another man, so I might as well plow the carpet…or munch the rug…
Which, never lasts past ‘hello’ or a drunken pash, but some part of my subconscious is clearly lesbian and it always comes out at the worst of times and ends up with me kissing the wrong girls.

My dear friend Cab Sauv and I had a very eventful night… I attended a friends hens night (who happens to be marrying one of the exes best friends.. ok so like that’s how we met – but I’m totally claiming her in the divorce…) and oh HELLO exes other ex gf is there too (which I kinda expected) but then there also seems to be NO ONE LEFT IN MACKAY WHO DOES NOT KNOW HIM which is fucking awesome…

I spent the whole night questionning what the other ex was thinking of me (hey because you know, he fell in love with her and told me he could never fall in love with me); then crying because I realised how wonderful, lovely, cool, calm, collected, sober and lady like she was – while I’m sucking on a plastic penis. Then I spent the remaining parts of the night being told how much of a douche bag he was, how lucky I am to be single, how miserable he will be rah rah rah…. all the usual bull shit, people tell you to hope that you will move on and be fine… but really just ends up with you questioning why you dated someone who was clearly too messed up in the head to realise a good thing when they had it…

The next part is the best part… after consuming too much alcohol, spending money on pokies in spite of him (he loved them and I HATE THEM) and then deciding I in fact want to smoke, I run into him…

I'm so Pretty ... Oh So Pretty.. I'm So Pretty and Wity and ...

I’m so Pretty … Oh So Pretty.. I’m So Pretty and Wity and …

I don’t really remember much after that apart from pushing a plastic penis in the groom-to-be’s face and asking him if he liked it in and around his mouth, and then basically making out with every single girl in sight… yep… I even somehow met up with my Greek Guitar playing God, and somehow still decided it was better to make out with chicks? In turn, I caused a lot of pain and hurt to someone who I care about alot and felt very fucking stupid .. so I decided to walk home.

when I say home, I mean like 3ks down the road…

that was only because I couldn’t find a taxi driver who would take me home because I was too drunk and they were scared I was going to vomit…

I finally found a taxi driver to take me home, and on the way back to my house, contemplated asking him for his hand in marriage… He was from Punjab… his parents are putting pressure on him to get married.. I was horny and love sick..

Don’t worry – I’m still single… and still horny..

After waking up the next day and realising how bad I had behaved, I went to find my car keys and ALAS they have escaped me.  My only pair of car keys are no where to be found… and I therefore have to get my car towed, $400 + new keys cut $550 .. so it is safe to say that is the MOST EXPENSIVE HENS NIGHT I HAVE EVER BEEN TO! both in my dignity and … cash..

3. I Got Sick… Not Fully Sick..

So … Tuesday morning rolls around… I’m awake at 3am…
Worst stomach pains EVER… like … not even a kiss better from Gerard Butler would fix this shit.

Go to work anyway, cos I’m hardcore like that…

Comes to about 2pm .. pain is excruciating… go to doctors..
‘Are you pregnant?’

My first thought is “I got laid and didn’t even remember/enjoy it??!?”
My second thought is “Oh… that’s right… I ended up shutting that out of my memory because I’ve never had someone laugh at me during sex… Ever… Let alone three times…”
My third thought is “what did the doctor ask again?”

“Oh.. umm no.. .I mean.. I don’t have a partner… so umm no” Yeah that makes fucking sense you knob, because you’re clearly the virgin mary and don’t have sex out of wedlock.

Anyway, she calls the ambo’s immediately, pretty sure it’s my appendix and gives me a shot of morpheine.

Then she proceeds to ask if there is any way I could be pregnant…
This time my thought process is a bit shorter, but I tell her again, “No…” and leave out the ‘i don’t think so’ because that would require explanation…

Turns out, the pregnancy test they did came out positive….

FML ..

Second one turned out negative… now either the first was a faulty test or that foetus killed itself at the first chance it had before being associated to me and my trainwreck of a mind/life within its first futile moments..

The sad thing is – I actually had a glimmer of positive thought there – if I was pregnant it might mean a male would have to stick around in my life regardless of my social awkwardness..

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Fastforward ==>  Hospital ==>  Public ==> Not one single mildly attractive doctor ==> everyone keeps fucking poking my belly asking me, “Does this hurt” whilst I’m whincing/crying…. “nah it’s fine bro” ==> get asked twenty more effing times if I could be pregnant — are you not in the medical profession for a reason? Instead of constantly reminding me of my shitty sex life, how about you just do some tests that require no communication.. thanks ==> get appendix taken out ==> also have a ruptured ovarian cyst ==> alive – life is good…

So I’m  less of a woman now…
I’m missing my appendix..
I have three little scars from where they cut me open..
I am sore..

The only positive I can take from having my appendix removed is my addiction to pain killers is being satisfied! WINNNING (i’m joking kids…) They actually tried to discharge me just on Panadol… are the health cuts THAT BAD that you can remove an organ from someone but only provide them with low range pain relief???

Now, I have to take two weeks off work – which is like all of your annual sick leave (on most Australian employee agreements) in ONE GO and.. I’ve only been working for this company for three months, so I get unpaid two weeks off work… because I already used my sick leave last month when I was told I just had ‘gastro’ (turns out my appendix was like exploding you dumb mofo)… so I’m broke.. without a car.. .can’t afford to get my car back… suck at life and am refusing to let a perfectly amazing guy into my life because of my dick brain..

On the plus side – since I already had this surgery before, they cut over one of the old scars, and the new scar kinda intercepts and makes it look like a have secondary small vagina below my bellow button/pouring out of it..  So I got that going for me… which is nice…

Hey Baby, I Think I Wanna Marry You…

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woah, calm your tits – no I’m  not talking about you or anyone reading this

I’m sure you’re a lovely person, but it’s just not on my cards RIGHT now…

 

Seriously, I cringe EVERY single time I hear that song.  I never know if Bruno Mars was just taking the piss out of Britney Spears and other drunk Vegas weddings, or if he genuinely thinks the sanctity of marriage is that worthless that you can marry anyone you want, while drunk, just for fun, and if you regret it in the morning, can just get divorced..

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When I was a child, I remember thinking how amazing it would be to find ‘the one’ and get married for eternity and just be in love all day everyday…

Growing up, after watching my dads several failed relationships and marriages, I started to resent the thought of marriage and vowed I would NEVER get married myself because it was just a waste of time and money.

Then at the sweet old age of 14 and 9 months I got swept off my feet and spent the next three years with someone who I thought I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with… three weeks of living together and we were ready to kill each other…

Most recently, my ex and I were thinking about going down that path.. and by thinking I mean there was a lot of pressure on us from family and friends because we had known each other for years, seemed happy enough and the fact that we tried to do the whole long distance thing would mean that we should at least just get engaged to prove that we were going to be faithful to each other.  Hell I remember one night when I went down to Brisbane to visit him, I was crying and begging him to just hurry up and propose because I wasn’t going to sit around and wait forever in Mackay for him to make his mind up…

Yeah… like I said, he is my ‘ex’… and ‘example’ of who I definitely should not marry…

Being an adult, watching people around me get engaged and married all the time, has completely changed my perspective of marriage alllll together.  The truth is, you can marry whoever the fuck you want.. but what makes them ‘the right’ person, is the question.

 

I’m not an expert in the matter, but I like to think that due to the ten million weddings and engagement parties that I have to attend this year, my own failed ‘pre-engagements’ and wedding plans, and just general relationship mistakes have made it pretty clear to me who you should marry or at least some key points to consider before walking down the aisle…

 

1.  You Should Be On The Same Page

Find the closest book, turn to page 45 and if your names are not on the same page then your relationship is doomed…

In all seriousness though, you shouldn’t have to feel like you’re forever explaining yourself because the other person doesn’t ‘get’ you or understand where you are coming from.  You should be able to understand what they mean when they say something that has everyone else scratching their heads or saying ‘WTF’.    Sometimes you sit there and cringe after what you said, because you know you’re going to have to explain yourself to everyone else, but your partner just laughs because they get you and know you just said the stupidest fucking thing.

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You should have the same future wants and needs to an extent because you shouldn’t really be marrying someone who wants to have kids in the next 6 months if you NEVER want to have kids.  If you hate smoking and smokers, and they refuse to give up smoking, you should probably have a pretty big chat about that one too… Or if they like doing recreational drugs on the weekend and you’ve never touched drugs in your life and are pretty against them – consider that maybe JUST maybe, you should not be marrying this person.  If they are talking about retiring at the age of 30 and you’re the most motivated person in the world and love working and would happily work until you’re a billionaire, then they probably are not the person you should consider spending the rest of your life with.

If you’re not on the same page BEFORE you’re married, then it’s only going to get worse after you get married.  This will be pretty obvious planning the wedding though (I would imagine) as this task in itself requires a lot of team work and shared decision making.  If you can’t even agree the specifics on the wedding, then how are you going to agree on any other specifics afterwards?

Remember, this is the person who you will be (or should be)  making joint decisions with for the rest of your life, so you need to make sure before the hard decisions have to be made, that you’re on the same page.  Or you could end up like my old school friend, divorced within 6 months of the wedding because he wanted to stay in his home town and have babies and she just didn’t really know what she wanted and felt like she was too young to ‘settle down’…

 

2.  Have They Got Their Shit Sorted?

In the words of TLC … “a scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly, he’s also known as a buster… always talkin bout what he wants and just sits on his broke ass… ”

Getting married should be an ‘adult’ decision and is like making an investment.  You might buy a house that you plan to renovate, but you shouldn’t marry a person who you need to strip down and rebuild.   If they are still struggling to manage their finances, health, well being, relationships, job and life then they probably don’t have their shit sorted.

This is a bit of a controversial topic though, because I don’t think you’re ever going to find anyone who has everything sorted out and things change and shit happens.  Look at me, I lost my job just before I met my current partner and I would never think he would take me on board while I felt so disorganised and messed up.  Because of me not having a job for a few months, I now have a lot of overdue bills and expenses that I have to work towards paying back.  However, upon reflection this was not something I had a lot of control over and I was working my arse off trying to find a job and minimising all my costs and expenses while I was unemployed.

You have to figure out whether their life situation or their situation they are in right now, is one they will continue being in or if it’s one they have self  built and don’t want to get out of.  My ex and were a perfect example of this, he was quite happy being ‘unemployed’ and watching movies/playing PC games in his undies in bed all day while I worked… likewise, I was quite happy living pay cheque to pay cheque because even though I was working a very well paying job and had no assets to show for it, I couldn’t resist buying a new outfit or pair of shoes every week…

Both of us were prime examples of people who didn’t have their shit sorted, and were quite happy with it being that way.

 

3. They Should Understand Respect

This is a massive one for me.  A girlfriend once told me, ‘If he speaks badly of his ex then he will speak badly of you’.  It is so true.  While I don’t always speak very highly of my exes, I value each one of them for what they taught me and for the times that were good.  You should rarely look back on a past relationship and speak horribly of an ex day in and day out and particularly with your partner.   The truth is, at one point, you were happy with that person and there was a reason you were dating them.

It is natural to go through a phase where you constantly want to tell the world how much of a shit head they are and how heart broken they left you, but you should reach a point where you just learn to accept and appreciate it for what it was.  That being said, there are still some real assholes in the world that can’t be avoided.

If they talk about their family, their friends and their exes with respect, than they’re probably only saying respectful things about you.  If they take every chance they can to bag out their friends behind their back – you need to question what the hell they say about you.  Likewise, if you hear them talking in depth about this one time they did this to this girl and how funny it was, it’s probably time to put on the invisible cloak and run away as fast as you can.

There is a difference between criticising someone and being disrespectful… Make sure you understand when someone is just speaking their mind because they are frustrated or they disagree with the choices of someone and when they are downright being nasty, cruel and like a school yard bully.

 

4.  You Shouldn’t Feel Pressured/In A Rush

There are two sides to this, but anyone in my opinion who gets married VERY quickly is either insecure about the strength of their relationship or opinions of others or hasn’t really thought it through.

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Think of my example before, I was crying and begging my ex to just hurry up and propose so I could prove that what we had was worth fighting and waiting for.

BIIIIGGG Indicator we weren’t meant to get married and I was literally just trying to mask the insecurities I had, because I knew waiting for him and making long distance work was basically pointless because something told me it wasn’t right.

You shouldn’t be marrying someone because all you’re friends are doing it, or because you’re getting ‘old’ and need to get married now because you could end up single for the rest of your life, or because the other person is threatening to leave you if you don’t.

Marriage and engagement should be some of the happiest times of your life.  Not the times where you feel as though you’re walking on egg shells, about to make a huge mistake or are continuously questioning yourself and your decision.

One of my best friends has been engaged for close to two years now, and while I think they rushed in getting engaged (it was on their one year anniversary) they have spent the past two years happily engaged and just living life out together.  Just because you’re engaged does not mean you need to make wedding plans ASAP.  Engagement is your time to work through your future plans together as a couple and make sure that you are in fact making the right decision.

My cousin was engaged to her partner of several years, and a few months before their wedding they broke up.  Both of them are happily in other relationships now and there is no animosity.  This is due to the fact that they spent that time talking and discussing future plans about life after marriage, and came to the realisation that who they were now, and what they wanted in the future were completely different to who they were when they started dating.

The truth is, people change.  Particularly when you’re young.  It’s not a bad reflection on yourself or the person you’re dating or engaged to if you are no longer in tune with each other.  It just means that you’re not meant to spend the rest of your life together.  Our wants and needs change a lot in our teens and early twenties, and sometimes who we began dating is very different to the person we break up with.

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5.  They Aren’t Afraid to Have Adult Conversations

If the person you are with can’t commit to having a conversation about weddings, babies and marriage then they are probably never going to be ready to have that conversation with you.

That doesn’t mean that you should start talking about it in the first week of dating or that you should be sitting there waiting for the right time to bring it up.  You don’t want to scare the poor guy/girl away in the first couple of weeks of dating them by sounding like you’ve already planned out your whole lives together.  I.e ‘I can’t believe they’re having 300 people at their wedding, we’re not going to…’

What I mean, is if people around you are having babies, getting married etc.  you should naturally be able to discuss this with the other person in a non-committal sense.  Figure out what their thoughts are on those around you who are getting married or having children – or if you’re watching a movie or TV show, just bring it up in conversation.  This is all about being on the same page as each other – if you are talking about your best friends child who eats all the chocolate in the world and doesn’t exercise and lives on their Xbox  and how much this disgusts you, and your partners sees nothing wrong with it – you’re definitely going to have issues later down the track.

If someone is grown up enough and ready to find that person, then they won’t mind talking about these things from time to time.  They won’t mind expressing their opinion because chances are they’re sussing you out and what you would be like as a mother/wife before they make a massive mistake.   If they are afraid to talk about these things or constantly shy away from the conversation, then they probably are just thinking this is a high school relationship and the future is not really important to them (or atleast their future with you isn’t important).

6.  You Are HAPPY and Are In Love

I cannot stress this enough!  If you are not happy with the person you are engaged to or married to, then get the fuck out of there!  It’s not always going to be sunshine and butterflies, but it should be at least 70% of the time.  The amount of people I see getting engaged because they have been together forever and just think it’s the right thing to do, but are actually quite miserable is unbelievably high.  Sure behind closed doors they might have the best sex and laugh all the time, but usually other people around you will know if you’re in a happy relationship.

Your parents will be happy when you’re partner is around because they know how happy they make you.

Your friends will smile when you bring them up in conversation because they know you’re in love.

Your heart should flutter when you see them every now and then because you realise how lucky you are and how amazing this person is.

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If you’re not happy while you’re engaged – then don’t solidify you’re wedding plans… work through it and see if you can make the relationship get back to that point where you were happiest and got butterflies and SMILED.  If you can’t, then don’t be afraid to end it.  Relationships do reach expiry dates.  Don’t keep at something that is making you or the other person miserable – you’re much better off being single and enjoying life and one day, the right person might come along.

On my birthday weekend, we were sharing an apartment with one of my beautiful friends and her fiancee.  I couldn’t help but smile like a little child when I woke up early and walked out to the lounge room and heard them giggling constantly in bed together.  They have been together for 8 years or so and have definitely have had their fair share of ups and downs and criticism.  But they are in love and they are happy.  His words later that day were, “Fuck if I wasn’t attracted to her still she’d be long gone… sorry baby, but it’s the truth”.  That is how it should be.

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Above all else, the one thing that has spoken the most to me about marriage and love is ‘Don’t marry someone you wouldn’t want your child to marry’.  We often think of our future children and place more value on them then ourselves.  So if you can’t see the person you’re marrying being a good role model or good mother/father, that’s a big sign that they are not the person you should be marrying, but beyond that – if you wouldn’t want your child to marry them – then don’t marry them yourself.

 

While this list isn’t exhaustive, these are some of the things that I value and that upon talking to several other people, are pretty darn important when making that big decision.  The sad truth is, divorce rates are ridiculously high so most peoples weddings you attend will end up in a broken marriage.  But if you yourself don’t want to make that mistake, heed the wisdom of those around you and most of all TRUST YOUR INSTINCT.  We all know that we have those weird little gut feelings that churn when we’re in a situation we’re not comfortable with – so if you have that, sort it out and be honest with yourself.  Because there is nothing worse than letting yourself down – than knowing that you KNEW something was wrong but you refused to acknowledge it.

 

Marriage is an investment and like any investment has risk.  But you can curtail this risk by being honest with yourself and what your expectations are.  Don’t get married just to become a divorce statistic.

 

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Why Can’t We Be Friends?

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Being an adult can be the most rewarding and also most difficult and frustrating time of your life.. and considering you’re an adult from the age of 18 until you die, that’s saying that basically you’re life goes pretty downhill until you find eternal rest (if you do).

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The thing I am finding the hardest lately, is friendship.

Yes.. those warm, fuzzy, alcohol fueled relationships that CAN make your life much more bearable, memorable and fun.

When you’re in school, or even uni, it is quite easy to make friends, really.  You don’t have to put a lot of effort in since you’re going to see those people almost every day of the week, and you don’t have to have much in common for the friendship to start out – sometimes it can be as simple as ‘have a tequila shot’ or ‘can i borrow a condom’ (hopefully not while you’re in primary school though).

Ever since I can remember I’ve been a bit of a social butterfly.  My dad used to say that he would take me to parks or to beaches and I’d automatically introduce myself and make friends, and when he says ‘make friends’ I actually sometimes used to bully kids into playing with me…. don’t fuck with a ginger kid.

This didn’t change during school, after I got over my pizza face phase and started to find confidence, I had many friends in many different social circles and different schools even.  This has continued to occur throughout my adult years.  Some of the people I consider my nearest and dearest have no association to any others.  I had a uni circle of friends that I still remain close to, however, most of my friends come from different places in time that I have randomly met and decided, “hey I like you, you strange human… lets be
friends and do things together… vodka?”bd38b9b6ebccb55dd80c43ba36510206

The thing is, when you get older, move away, fall in love, have kids etc. it gets harder and harder in life to maintain friendships.   Most people are in the same boat and understand that you really just don’t have all the time in the world to talk every day and that even though you maybe BFF’s, work is more important than spending hours at the shopping centre trawling for hot fashion and hot men… (ok I don’t think I’ve done that since I was 14… but I’m sure that’s what some BFFFFFFs… do..)

Most of the time, this is ok.

However, sometimes, this causes problems such as the one I am currently trying to deal with.

I had a dear friend who I’ve known for close to ten years and who has been part of my life for most of the ups and downs as an adult.  We’ve hardly ever seen eye to eye and I consider her more of a sister because we can fight like cats and dogs, but know that at the end of the day there is a great love for each other.

The issue is, I moved away from Brisbane and for two years, dated someone who wasn’t her biggest fan. He didn’t ‘hate her’ as such, but never really had a lot of positive things to say about her, and so bringing her up in conversation and talking about how she had been, became less and less common because I didn’t want to constantly defend her against the guy I loved. It was just too time consuming and got me no where.

It has now been close to three years since I moved away from Brisbane. In those three years, understandably, both of us have changed quite a bit, however, for some reason, I have it stuck in my head that she was still the same person that I left in Brisbane.  Let me tell you, there were things both of us did that were not very honourable or respectable and if held onto, could cause quite a lot of damage to our relationship.

Unfortunately, I have found myself lately critisizing her greatly, doubting her credibility and being downright pretty horrible to her.  After trying to figure out what was causing all this angst, I discovered that I really didn’t know who she had become.  The person I left behind was insecure, getting blind drunk almost every weekend, was quite negative and hadn’t  been there for me when I needed it most.

I thought I had dealt with these feelings and issues long ago, but all of a sudden they all came swarming back to me and I really honestly felt so much anger for this person for what they had done in the past and let it consume me to the point that I felt this was still who they were today.

After talking to her about this, and expressing why I had been treating her the way I had, she basically told me that I need to figure out if I can ever truly forgive her and if we can ever be friends, the way we used to be, again.

 

When you’re a kid, I think a major reason why it’s easier to make friends is because the criteria is pretty low.  I know when I was a kid it was basically,0fade74b646c49c1672cc2e133e6cf80

(1) know all the lyrics to the songs in The Little Mermaid

(2) Be nice to me and tell me I am pretty

(3) Know how to plait or braid hair

(4) Believe in fairies

So that’s pretty easy to satisfy, right?

 

 

As an adult, the criteria becomes  a lot stricter.  I was thinking about the people in my life who I consider to be my closest friends, or even the people in my life who I have met and hope I will know until I die, and made a small list of what it takes for me to consider someone ‘worthy’.

(1) Admiration – I must admire the person for their strength, integrity and life direction

(2) Values – I found it very hard to remain friends with someone when, on more than one occasion, they potentially ruined happy relationships by sleeping with someone or even kissing someone who already had a girlfriend.  If your values and morals are not the highest strung, or are pretty flawed, I’m going to find it very hard to see eye to eye with you.

(3) Attitude – I really REALLY struggle to get along with people who are consistently negative, who don’t believe in themselves or others and who really don’t care where the life ends up

(4)Respect – I need to be able to respect their choices, their opinions and vice versa.  They also need to respect themselves and those around them.  There is nothing that makes me turn off more from someone, than hearing them put down themselves or other people ALL THE TIME.  If you haven’t got anything nice or at least constructive to say, then don’t say it (writing a blog is different though, right?).

(5) Willingness to Try New Things – although this is not as massively important as the above, I find routine pretty fucking boring sometimes, and like trying new places and activities.  I can’t stand it when people consistently want to go to the same place they’ve gone for the past five years, eat the same food they eat every Friday night in and only listen to the same music they’ve ever listened to.  You have to be willing to discover more about the world and what else is on offer, because you never know what you might discover or who you might discover.d0f249c75a5c5b4f51b67d91ae85b550

(6) Nudity – ok, look… if you’re not going to show me your junk, then please cease to think we can be friends.  No, seriously, I had an epiphany the other day, when getting a spray tan from one of my best friends since I was 13, that most of my closest friends have seen some part of my naked body.  I am still not sure how I feel about this..

 

There are a few people who have entered my life who I will always hold close to my heart, because they have shown me these things and the importance of them to me.  I may not see these people every week, month or even year, but when I do finally see them again, there is no bitterness, no untoward feelings of angst for not ‘being there’ and no explanations that need to be made.  It’s just, ‘hi, it’s so nice to finally be with you again..’

 

There are other friends in my life, who I feel almost ‘bullied’ into being their friend.  I constantly get asked what so and so is doing, and why wasn’t I invited to this or that and finding myself having to defend my life choices for actions that somehow in one way or another, they feel effect them or they feel they could have made a better decision in the same circumstances.a0e7f6a1531cf134e5082fc94d2e513a

The truth is, any relationship that is worth having, should not be hard work.  My father is a piece of work and there are times when I’d quite happily become an orphan if it meant I wouldn’t have to battle his constant nagging, negativity and laziness… However, friendships are meant to be fun.  They are meant to bring you laughter, memories and make your world a bit of a better place.

 

So at what point do you accept that maybe, just maybe, your friendship has reached an expiry date? That you are not the person you used to be and neither are they… That you can’t remember the last time you actually felt comfortable and natural and like you could be yourself, free of judgement.. Do you actually vocalise these feelings or thoughts? or do you just let your friendship slide away with the grips of time?

 

I value everyone I have in my life, and sometimes it’s really hard to accept that things have changed and that friendships just are no where near the same as they used to be.

 

I want to try to make things work, discover this person all over again because who they are now, is clearly different to who I left behind – but at the same time, I’m just wondering if it is ever possible that we can ever get back to being as close as we used to be.

Perhaps the more realistic way to look at things is to accept that we might not have the same relationship we used to  – but maybe, we can become NEW friends based on who we both are now, rather than what has happened in the past, who we were and how horrible both of us were to each other sometimes.

This person meant a lot to me.  I know we had a lot of amazing times and masses of amazing memories.  So if there is a chance that I can start a brand new friendship with the new version of them, and make a million more amazing memories, then I am willing to try.

 

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