Dear Little Sister

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Dear Little Sister

I’ve been wanting to write this for a while now, because you’re at an age where I had made too many mistakes to keep track of.  I had just moved out of home, moved 1000km south to a big city where I knew 2 people, I was dating my high school boyfriend of 3 almost 4 years.  I went through some dark days, when I was your age and I wish someone had been there to guide me through.

I think I’ll write a series of letters addressing what I was experiencing at your age compared to what I have learnt 8 years down the track, but to start off with, lets talk about love.

When I was 18, love was broken to me.  I had just ended my relationship with my high school sweetheart after only living together for 3 weeks.  I then made a series of mistakes involving his best friend, which to this day, I completely and utterly regret and wish beyond many other things, that I could take my actions back.   I then met an amazing guy on the night of my 18th birthday; he was  musician, he was in corporate banking, he was covered in tattoos and his birthday was 2 days before mine.

I was in love from the moment I met him, or so I thought.  I then persisted by calling him everytime I was drunk and singing to him on the phone and telling him how amazing he was.   Safe to say, he ran away pretty effing quickly.

After that, I loved attention so much because I had only had the same guy in my life for 3/4 years, that I hate to admit I became promiscuous in a bad way.  I drank too much, partied too much, slept with whoever I felt like and treated myself quite poorly.

At the time, I knew it was wrong, what I was doing and how I was treating myself, but I didn’t really understand when to stop or when to call it quits.   I kept spiraling down this horrible path and ended up in hospital for alcohol poisoning or suicide attempts at least 8 times within that year… I wasn’t someone who valued themselves or what I had to offer.

 

I stand now at the age of (almost) 26, and wonder what I have learnt.  I definitely don’t party anywhere near as much as I used to (hell you’ll be lucky if you get me in a club once every 2 months).  I’m not promiscuous in any sense of the word, and more importantly I have learnt to cope with my manic depression so much better than I ever thought I could.

 

But what have I learnt about love?

 

Good question and it’s a question I will always, ALWAYS reflect on with every year or milestone or relationship.

 

I suppose if I had to figure out the three main things I have learnt about love in that time they would be…

 

1. We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve – Until We Realise We Deserve Better

The amount of times I’ve called our stepmum bawling my eyes out because I’ve finally just had enough of accepting the bare minimum in a relationship, is overwhelming.  I sometimes wonder if I have in fact learnt anything from all my previous heartbreak, or if I will continuously make the same mistake, as it seems at the moment.

I have thought about this in depth alot particularly in the past 24 hours, and one thing I can’t shake from my head, is that when women stop putting in the effort they usually do and start putting in the same amount of effort their partner does, thats when you can really see the truth behind a relationship.   Either you are compatible because the amount of effort is agreeable by both parties, or you will realise that you actually need someone who WANTS to date you and who WANTS to spoil you.

If you are dating someone where if you don’t make plans, book dates, schedule time in to spend together, then you would have a pretty effing boring relationship – you need to wake up to yourself and really question whether this person wants you as a ‘friend with benefits’ or a ‘life partner’.

I really have taken a step back lately, because I in fact just realised this myself.  I realised I was bored and had nothing to look forward to in my relationship, because I stopped planning and I took a step back from putting effort in.  I had no dates to look forward to, no travel plans to look forward to, no weekend escapes to look forward to… and you know for once I didn’t want to ‘fix this’ myself.  I wanted my partner… my ‘equal’… to actually put effort in and PROVE he wanted to be with me…

Which brings me to my next point…

2.  Talk Is Cheap

Talking things through with your partner or lover or friend or WHOEVER is so important when you want to ensure you’re on the same page.  BUT and this is a Kim Kardashian but… do not let continuous promises of ‘fixing’ or ‘getting better’ fool you.

If someone values what you have to say, sees that there needs to be improvements and understands that you are a special commodity that might be lost at any moment, they will WORK and let their actions speak more than their words.

When someone continuously over promises and under delivers, if they deliver at all, maybe it’s time to leave.

As much as your heart and your time and your head might be invested in this person, if they can’t prove their integrity to you or keep their word now – what makes you think they ever will change?  Sure give them some chances… but if it’s an issue which CONTINUOUSLY is brought up and you are continuously having to explain why you feel like you’re in a one sided relationship, take a step back and actually analyse if they are in fact changing or sticking to anything they say, or if they are just using words for a quick fix, hoping you’ll forget.

A person who truly values another person, will do what it takes (within means) to keep that person.  A person who places little value in another person, will watch them struggle and get upset and KNOW they can fix it with a bit of effort, but will fail to do so.

Ask yourself, are you a ‘friend’ or a ‘girlfriend’? Because as much as I hate the ‘needy’ girlfriend stereotype, the truth is, it was created by society to make women feel guilty for wanting to be treated with a bit more respect and love and appreciation than the postman.  There is nothing wrong with wanting a man who says he loves you, to prove it.

 

3. Learn From Your Parents Mistakes

This has been the hardest lesson for me to learn and one I still struggle with on a daily basis.  Obviously our mother was not a nice person to our father, that’s not debatable.  BUT moving forward, as much as I love our dad, I acknowledge that the way he has treated his ex girlfriends and even our beautiful stepmum, is not up to scratch.

I am not abusive like our mother and never have been.  But do I expect the man to put in little to no effort in a relationship, because that’s why I’ve learnt from our father – yes… god damn yes.

The amount of times I’ve hugged our beautiful stepmum and wanted to just take her away from our dad because I knew she deserved to be treated better, she deserved someone who put in effort and paid attention to her was overwhelming.  Yet I seem to continuously date men who are just like our father because I have somehow accepted this as the norm.

I realised the extent of this last night, when I was talking to one of my best friends and she has the same issue.  Her mum was always the one cooking and cleaning and catering to her fathers every need.  Her father was non-existant when he was home, not putting any effort in with the family and then never spoilt the mother or showed appreciation for her hard work.  So naturally her first marriage was a spitting image of this – her being the perfect little housewife, without a bar of appreciation.

It is such a shit and hard thing to understand that you don’t have to be the ‘nice girl’ or the ‘always available girl’ or the ‘cool girl’.  Fuck me, I have continuously been ALL of these things in every relationship (besides maybe my first), and you know who always gets hurt in the end – ME!

Why? Because I never EVER expect the man to be the equivalent of what I am.  Society makes out like we have to be these strong independent women, who are great in bed, cool with your man partying with his single friends, leave the house always looking runway ready, keep a clean house and a happy family and earn an income.  What does society expect of the man?  …

Have a job… and don’t cheat…

Literally..

That’s why the term ‘pussy-whipped’ was coined.  Because if a male starts putting in the same amount of effort as a woman, he is clearly dominated by her and is a weakling.

Well no… fuck no… why is there not  a term for when a women is putting every last bit of her energy in for a man, but if a man takes his woman on  date instead of partying with the boys, he is ‘pussywhipped’.

the most important lesson in all of this, is know what you want and don’t let someone give you any less or make you feel like an idiot for having high expectations…. 

Because you know what, regardless of who you are, you deserve an equal, not a lesser being or someone who just doesn’t get what is standing right in front of them.   A man or woman who sees your worth is out there, and they will come along sooner or later… but the person who makes you feel like shit because you want commitment, you want to know what your future together holds, and you want to know they love you beyond just a text message, is not someone you want in your life for the long term.

Remember I love and adore you, always.

 

 

Your ugly big sister xo

Let Love In

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I’ve known for a long time that I have massive issues with intimacy. I have worked hard to get around them, but the truth is, at the end of the day, somewhere in my mind or in my heart, something niggles away at me.  Lately, it’s been getting much worth as my partner and I move forward in our relationship.

My partner and I now are taking the HUGE leap of moving away from my home town to his home town (which is opposite ends of Australia really!).

Although the packing and moving process has been extremely frustrating at times, the truth is, we’ve discovered we work pretty well as a team… sometimes I just need to stop nagging and sometimes he just needs to be more pro-active but all in all – we work well. My mind and heart are absolutely in love with this man and I could not even dream up a man who is the person he is. My friends and family adore him too (my father likes him more than he likes me.. jerk) and I can see him being an amazing father down the track.

But the one thing that is frustrating to both of us, is my intimacy issues. I’m quite an affectionate person however, there are certain things I just can’t do – for reasons I don’t really understand.

My partner likes to ‘snuggle’ and put his arms around me and let his head rest on my shoulder while we talk. I literally feel smothered, hot, frustrated and uncomfortable beyond all belief. Sure this would make sense if my partner was a 500kg ball of fur, but he’s very far from it. I know it deeply offends him when I grunt or when I go dead silent so as to avoid grunting or asking him to get off, but I honestly just can’t deal with this. I don’t like snuggling, I don’t like spooning, I don’t like someone being in my space in bed.

It used to be so bad, and sometimes still is, that I couldn’t sleep if someone else was in the bed. Some nights, I’m not sure if it’s anxiety or what it is, but I stay up on my phone (on reddit or facebook) and no matter how long I put it down for or how long I lie with my eyes closed, the fact that someone is next to me makes it too uncomfortable for me to fall asleep.

It’s gotten really bad lately and in my mind, the one thing I keep thinking is, I’m going to be sleeping with this man every night soon. Every night in the same bed… what if this never goes away? What if I spend every night having a restless sleep or no sleep at all? What if he gets angered by my lack of intimacy that he decides to leave?

It’s like I’m more than capable of giving love but as for accepting love in – I just can’t do it. Some days, I wonder if I’m even capable of accepting love, because the people I have always had in my life have always ended up being spoilt by me, I give them the best of who I am and in turn get the worst of them or given little time, love or affection.

When I look back at the relationships I’ve had, the ones where the men loved me and treated me like a princess, were the ones I pushed away or got an ‘icky feeling’ about. The ones who let me be, where I was putting all the effort in and they rarely did – are the ones that I still miss or am still upset that the relationships didn’t work.

I know this is directly linked to my mother. When she was nice to me and when she did treat me with love and affection, it was closely followed by a spurt of abuse. I am sure this has large psychological effects, but through all the years of counselling and seeing psychologists, this is one thing that has never been addressed or brought up.

I’m such a big hypocrite and I’m starting to realise that I cry wolf and beg my partner to show me he loves me, but when he does, I push it away, feel uncomfortable or find a fault or flaw in his affection.

I know this is a horrible thing to do and detrimental to our relationship, but I honestly just don’t know how to make that nagging little feeling go away for good.

So here is my question to all you wise readers out there, what do I do? What are the little steps I need to take to be able to let this man love me without having this rising sense of fear/anxiety.

How I Know I’m Getting Old

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Yes, at the ripe old age of 24 … I have come to the realization that I am in fact … Old …

No I don’t shit my pants or have erection problems (I lie, I haven’t had sex in god knows how long so that in it self is an erection problem); but as I grow I am noticing things around me change.

My perception alone has changed a lot, but more than that my taste, my tolerance levels and my overall desires have incredibly and vastly changed since I was 18.

So here is my list of signs that you are inevitably getting older and uglier…

Me vs My Little Sister In Public

Me vs My Little Sister In Public

1) Clothing
I’ve been quite a sensible dresser for a few years, thanks to working in the corporate world, but I still find it funny when my little sister and I clash over opinion of clothing.  The other day we went shopping and while she wore a stunning outfit, had a beautiful face of makeup and was adorned in jewellery I wore a band shirt, some denim shorts and flats and hadn’t brushed my hair or applied makeup.

For her, going out shopping is a chance to make a statement about her style. But for me, it’s an unenjoyable chore. If I don’t have to put effort in, I won’t. I’d rather be comfortable, sans make up and in and out as quickly as possible.

I think looking at younger generations and not understanding their fashion is an age old sign of getting old – but man, does it ring trueDSC_3761-copy1! I honestly do not understand the need for girls to have shorts so small that their ass cheeks are hanging out and their vagina flaps are swaying in the wind… I was driving past a bunch of girls the other day and I couldn’t tell if they were going to a music festival or a strip club… I laughed when my baby sister said, “They look like skanky hoes…” (probably not appropriate language for a 7 year old but still hilarious)

In the words of Yves Saint Laurent, “fashions fade – style is eternal”; as you get older – this rings more true.

(2) I’m Gonna Pop Some Tags
My best friend sent me a message at how excited she was about her latest shop. I laughed because I cannot remember the last time I went on a shopping spree. She elaborated moments later by explaining how excited she was over how much she had saved and what am awesome sale Big W had on.

This is a sign you are getting old – you would rather SAVE money and only buy items on sale, instead of talking about how expensive and exclusive one item it is.

You get excited to go to KMart, Big W and Best and Less because really – who has the time or money to splurge at Myer? It’s like you have a lightbulb moment and you realise it’s all the same shit with different labels or brands on it – so why bother paying more for the same ?

On top of this, shopping for decor, gardening or home wares becomes much more exciting than anything else.

(3) Going to The Chapel.. and We’re Gonna Get… 
(i secretly hope you sung that song then in you’re head)
Obviously when everyone arMjAxMi1iNWEzMzAxNDYwYzI5Mzcxound you starts having babies and getting married you’re probably at that age that it’s expected.

However I think your mentality changes – instead of being jaded because how dare Lisa and Mike get married when Alfred and I have been dating for twice as long, you are actually just genuinely happy for your loved ones and friends.

The thought of being invited and participating in the most important day of someone’s life actually makes ycd972b419c81341112764cb52827ac2aou so incredibly happy inside and gives you little butterflies – not to mention all the free alcohol and hot random wedding sex.

Then comes the babies …

When one of my best friends had her baby, I felt this amazing sense of love for this little human that I barely knew – it was such a weird feeling and I still don’t understand it. But I think it’s because you love and admire this child’s parents so much that you cannot help but adore this bundle of human skin and poo…

(4) Bedtime is The Shit
I mean this. I actually get excited for bed from the moment I leave it.

It’s like a fluffy haven of warmth and love that will never let me down.

I honestly can’t remember the last time I stayed out clubbing or drinking past 12… I’d much rather have a good nights sleep and no hangover…. Thankkkk you very much!

(5) Wine and Cheese, Please
How amazing is wine and cheese ??
I remember being a kid and even the smell of wine made me want to vomit and Camembert was the equivalent of squashed maggot guts… Yeah … That’s how much I hated it.

Now I’m much older, the thought of opening a bottle of Cab Sauv on a Friday night or sitting down with some friends with a plate if Brie, Feta and Camembert is the ideal social setting.

(6) They Call Me The Ironchef
Ask me two years ago what I could cook, the answer would be 2 minute noodles. These days I’m literally the iron chef. I get so excited to make exciting new dishes and get my family’s reactions and thoughts on how to improve.  Seeing other people enjoy what I make, is so rewarding.

It’s like a whole new world of creation and exploration … And food is amazing – end of story.

(7) Sex? Meh
Casual Sex and the thought of it is just too tiring for me these days.

From someone who had a few … ermm… ‘friends with benefits’… scheduled in on different nights of the week, when I lived in Brisbane, the fact that casual sex just bores me these days would be pretty shocking td05afe45ed5dbdbfc8564d3802d845b9o a few people.

I love sex, I do. In fact I pride myself on how well I please my man, when I’m in a relationship.

But spending time and effort on someone I barely know – it actually irks me these days.

I used to like casual sex, but I realised I don’t like the aftermath. The awkward cuddles and kisses. I don’t want to kiss your mouth – I don’t even like you beyond your penis and what you do with it. I’d rather just get it done, have fun and leave. I don’t want to “snuggle” or talk and pretend there is anything more than a sexual connection between us.

Another light bulb moment you have as you get older is how amazing sex is with someone when there is a deep connection beyond just a physical attraction.  Casual sex can end up feeling so hollow and pointless – particularly if they don’t know what they’re doing or know what works for you.

I have decided It’s just too hard and complicated these days  to find the desire to have a one night stand… And really a vibrator does a better job than most males I have met.

(8) If You Can Learn To Do It, I Can Learn To Do It
I feel so inspired and excited to learn or try new things. I just built a veggie patch, started hockey again, I’m trying to learn a new language and I want to know how to use a circular saw…

Ask me to do any of these things as a teenager or as a young twenty something… I could not be bothered.

All of a sudden it’s like a new zest for life comes back. You realise how awesome Betterc5a914384dafcb9a5e20bebe3a912eb4 Homes and Gardens really is. Pinterest is your best friend. You begin to look for new hobbies or things to do, because “why not?” – maybe it’s also based on a fear that we’re getting older and should have more life skills to teach our children or show off to our friends…

Or perhaps it we have a realisation at some point, that these people who know how to sew, build, saw, canoe, cook, speak five different languages – all began somewhere.  They’re not ‘legends of myth’ but just real people who drink, eat, sleep and shit just the way we all do.

All I know is learning something new, building or creating something with your own bare hands or mind, is really liberating and invigorating.

(9) Club Can’t Even Handle Me Right Now
Like literally.. the club can’t handle me, because they fucking kick me out when I get ridiculously drunk by 11pm and cry to a bouncer about how I just got dumped and how no one will ever love me.

But seriously, I have reached a point where going out dancing, clubbing, crumping and twerking just does not do it for me.  On top of this, you have to play a dangerous game of ‘will I be a paedophile if I talk to/touch that cute boy over there’ because all of a sudden, everyone is younger than you!

I’ve also noticed everyone these days is just too cool for school.  They sit in a corner, get drunk, walk around in circles checking out the ‘scenery’ and wait until some hot guy/girl is drunk enough to have the courage to talk to them.

Meanwhile, I’m just doing my ‘T-Rex’ stalking behind guys…

(10) Date? No, I Prefer Sultanas.

One thing that is inevitable when you get older, is your tolerance levels change.. they rise for certain people and scenarios and extremely decrease in others.  Dating is one where I have found my tolerance levels have extremely decreased.

When I was much younger I was so excited at the prospect of being asked out on a date.  I spent days before hand figuring out what to wear, planning what i would say, training myself to not show him my cool ability of being able to ‘quack’ like a duck if the conversation got boring.. and try my best NOT to sleep with them on the first date.   There were hours and hours of effort I put in to these dates, even though 9/10 were absolute duds who couldn’t even afford to pay for my dinner.

85335c13771418909e2442bc5a513127These days, I cannot be bothered ‘hooking up’ or ‘dating’.  The whole idea or thought of letting someone in, putting in all that time and effort for little guaranteed satisfaction is just too wasteful for me to bother.

I like meeting new people, and I’ve been on a few dates since being single again.  But I find myself struggling to even care or to even make the effort.  I actually even asked one guy if I had to shower after my hockey game before having dinner with him…

My issue, that I’ve just uncovered thanks to a great conversation with my exes mother today, I’m too impatient to let a relationship take it’s natural course.

I am straight forward and don’t have time to waste wondering if someone likes me or not.  I don’t want to continuously go on ‘dates’ with someone for three months and wonder if we’re ready to be ‘facebook offical’ yet.  If you invite me over, I’m not going to hold my pee in and die of .. pee related diseases (it is possible, right?).  I’m not going to get up in the morning first, brush my teeth, apply makeup, brush my hair and lie back in bed like I just naturally wake up gorgeous.  If you’re going to be with someone in the long term, you’re going to see them in their rawest and unsexiest state. So I will be my honest and rawest self from the start so as to avoid any disappointment down the track.

The issue apparently with this is it leaves no mystery, if you give someone everything from the start – there is nothing more of you for them to discover.  There’s no want or desire for them to try and pry more out of you, when you lay it all flat on the table. It’s like buying a see through Kinder Surprise and not getting to even eat the chocolate… how effing boring!

The matter of the fact is, when you get older, part of you wants that eternal relationship.. but part of you also realises that when the time is right, it will happen.  Anything forced seems to end up in heartbreak and hurt, yet anything that happens on the whim, or spontaneous, is fun.  Meeting new people is great, but just because you date someone doesn’t mean you have to continue dating them.  You learn that it is ok to let people go and to just ‘be friends’ or to completely cut ties with people who have no purpose in your life.

It’s a bullshit fairytale we’re fed when we’re young that we are only ‘complete’ when we find our ‘true love’. If you’re waiting for that, I have bad news for you.  You’re the only person who can ‘complete’ yourself.  Figure out what is missing in your life, and go and freaking do it! Don’t say, “oh I want a tall dark man, who likes to swim with sharks and plays guitar”.  Most of the time what we want in other people is what we are lacking in ourselves.  So go out there and swim with sharks, learn how to play guitar and hell! even get a freaking sex change! (ok.. no seriously don’t do that, it’s too expensive… but hey onn the plus side you might win Eurovision?). 127978-8f18b89a-d955-11e3-917f-8bca2ad8cf46
(11) You Actually Understand How Important It Is to Love Yourself

It’s told to us a million times when we’re younger, but it only sinks in when we’re much older – LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU LOVE ANYONE ELSE.

When I was much younger, I didn’t understand why anyone wanted to date me, sleep with437124b298501b8a10f07ae0aedf423d me or even talk to me.  So I thought that this person was amazing for wanting to do so, and didn’t know if anyone else would want to sleep with me and found myself in quite a bit of trouble and bad situations as well as a head full of regret.  I didn’t think what I had or who I was, was very special or important or worth holding on to…. I treated myself like a bargain bin lipstick.  I proceeded to be treated accordingly not only in personal relationships, but also at work – I let people treat me like I had no value so it didn’t matter if they bruised me, broke me or destroyed me.

If you don’t learn to love yourself as an adult you will let everyone walk all over you.  You’re going to give away your goods like they are $1 specials at Coles – and no one, NO ONE wants cheap, shit.  WE want a quality person to have fun with, not someone who feels so desperate and vulnerable they throw themselves at anyone who pays them attention.

 

In Conclusion… 

Getting old is not a burden or a curse.  It is a blessing and one that a lot of people never get to experience.

So embrace yourself, your lessons learned and your hardships because they are all making you a stronger, wiser, better you.

 

Go get em tiger xo

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Expectations Will Kill You

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When I was much younger I would look at the future and place great expectations on myself.  I thought that by the age of 25 I would be married and on the way to having kids.

I just turned 24 and as each day goes by I realise more and more of how much of a silly expectation that was.

A couple of years ago, I had a massive break down with one of my exes because I told him I didn’t feel like he was putting enough effort in.  That there was a lack of ‘romance’ and that this was his fault.  At the time, he listened and then promptly left – leaving me shaking in shock, physically ill and in deep regret of what I had said.   Part of me realised that this was my fault, moreso than his.  Within a few days, we had sorted through my insecurities and the relationship lasted for another 2 or so years until it reached it’s natural expiry date when we realised we didn’t have the strength as a couple to move on to the next phase of our relationship.

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When it comes to relationships and life in general, we are all swayed by media, comparisons to other people and Hollywood ideals that set unrealistic expectations. I thought it was only women, but I’m beginning to realise more and more that males are also very much influenced by these outside forces as much as women in some circumstances.

Hollywood and global corporations have manufactured a lot of expectations, particularly in regards to our physical appearance and relationships, to make a few bucks here and there and thrive off our willingness to devour whatever they deliver.

 

Think of engagements, traditionally a diamond wasn’t the ‘rock’ of choice that men bought their fiancées.  Engagement or betrothal dowries stem far back in time, and varied from livestock to pieces of clothing as well as jewellery.  It wasn’t until the 1930s that De Beers used ‘diamond rings’ as the be all and end all when proposing to your future wife.  A very effective advertising campaign and a strong focus in Hollywood movies has led to diamonds being the accepted minimum standard in todays society for proposals.

It seems there is more value placed on the size of the diamond and how pretty the ring is rather than the fact that two people have agreed to make a lifelong commitment together… which to me, holds just a tad more value.

Don’t even get me started on weddings! Couples these days are spending $30k on average on ‘one day’ of their lives before they even have a house deposit saved, because Hollywood and society have manufactured this extroadinarily expensive belief that this ‘one day’ is the most important day of your life and therefore it is ok to spend what could be money on a solid investment, on decorations and making guests ‘jealous’ of what you have conjured up.

I have always preferred the idea of eloping to be honest.

When it comes to relationships, it’s just perfectly normal to place expectations on what you hope to achieve out of it, but sometimes these expectations are completely unhealthy and will leave you more miserable than happy on a constant basis.

Hollywood also tells us there is meant to be ‘a spark’ or that we’re meant to ‘just know when you find the one’.  I’m sorry but I really don’t buy into that bullshit.  The amount of movies where men just fall in love with the woman within a week or two and are ready to have babies is so far from the truth.   Or scenes where men are walking down the street, spot ‘the one’ and it’s true love from that point onwards.

Yes, sometimes this does happen in real life – but these days people on average are dating a lot longer than historically before they even make that decision.  The average time from dating to engagement used to be six to fourteen months; these days the average is 2.8 years.   It’s not like these men just wake up one day and say, ‘hey she’s the one’… It is based on a relationship full of hard work and love, a mutual respect for each other and knowing that the other person’s happiness is just as important if not more important and tied directly to your own happiness.  However, Hollywood would have us believe that their is no value in a long term ‘relationship’ unless you are married or engaged and even then, the longer you take before getting engaged or before getting married, is obviously BAD for the relationship and a sign of weakness in the relationship.

Hollywood would have us believe that unless there is a ‘spark’ there is no  value in the relationship – that it is destined to end badly. There are too many expectations placed on ‘sparks’ or ‘sudden realisations’ rather then the feeling of joy and happiness someone gives you, the strength of your friendship,  the passion in the bedroom, the physical attraction, the willingness of two people to work through difficult tasks,  the respect and love your family and friends have for them,  the laughter you share and the moments that make lifelong memories.  I will always place more value on these important aspects of a relationship than I will on some Hollywood notion that I’m meant to feel ‘a spark’.

Sure when I was a teenager this ‘spark’ was something I believed in, but as I got older and experienced my fair share of heartbreak, I started to realise what I valued more and what actually made a strong relationship work.  A spark was important in the start, but beyond the first couple of dates there are far more important values that you need to look for.  A spark isn’t going to get you through the years, but deep commitment, mutual respect and friendship will.

When looking for a partner, you’re looking for much more than a notion that ‘they may be the one’ because to be honest, there may be more than just ‘one’ out there for you.  It’s a stupid notion to think that there is only one person in the whole world that is made for you – that would be such a tiring task to find them and one that majority of the population would not be able to complete before they died.  Oh, and if Hollywood has taught us anything, it is that everyone falls in love in New York, even though just under 50% of men and women in New York have NEVER been married.

If you base your expectations on what you THINK a relationship, career or your position in life is MEANT to be rather than what  you want it to be, then you are always going to get a gut wrenching feeling of guilt and confusion because what you have, even if it may be great, will never be good enough in comparison to what you think you should have/what society/hollywood tells you, you should have.

Did anyone ever maybe think that divorce statistics are so damn high because we have relied on media for so long to dictate our relationships rather than making our own minds up? Relationships of our grandparents lasted much longer, and I can’t help but feel it is because they didn’t grow up with TV or movies on hand, telling them day in and day out what a successful relationship had to look like.  They made their own minds up.

Trust me, the amount of times I’ve ended relationships or fought with exes because they weren’t putting ‘effort’ in was ridiculous.  My notion of ‘effort’ was romantic dinners every Friday night, random presents during the week, and the most mind blowing sex on a daily basis.  Instead of appreciating what effort the individual put in, in their own way, I was basing my expectation of ‘effort’ on what Hollywood had fed me since I can remember.

I still regret every fight I have had over this notion, and I wish I knew this much earlier because the amount of stress I put on past relationships when they didn’t live up to my Hollywood-ised expectations, was ridiculous.  I have hurt alot of really decent guys based on this.

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Instead, these days I have just learnt to take everyday one step at a time – allow yourself to just enjoy whatever goodness is being made available to you.  You deserve to be happy and deserve to have fun.  You don’t deserve to miss out on amazing opportunities because of some bullshit expectation you have been brainwashed to believe is a societal norm.

 

If you are happy in a relationship… then allow yourself to be happy.

4 Men

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Here is an ode to the 4 Men who have affected my life this year. 

 

1.  To The One I Had

Firstly let me say that I’m forever thankful that you put up with me for as long as you did.  Years of friendship turned into a beautiful relationship, but lets be honest – it ended for good reason.  You’re a great guy, sure, but you and I are NOT great together.  It’s like watching to bull sharks trying to co-habitate, our conversations generally ended with me saying “YOU JUST THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING, BUT YOU DON’T” and the physical side of our relationship almost became non-existent by the end.  

Part of me wishes and hopes that one day we’ll both change and just happen to be perfect for each other, but I also know this will never happen.  So as much as I miss you at times, I have long accepted the fact that it is over for good.  

From the bottom of my heart I wish you all the best in your life and I hope that you find the love of your life soon.  The days when I felt our love truly at its strongest, I was the happiest I had been in a long time.  You have the biggest heart and helped me through a lot of troubling times.  So I have nothing but respect and love for the person you are and the person I know you will become. 

 

2.  To The One I Almost Had

Every time I see you, I sit there wondering why the hell I didn’t rape you.  Ok, we both know it wouldn’t be rape, but I still don’t know why I held back that day and why I didn’t just give in to temptation.  When I used to describe my ideal guy, he was literally you inside and out.  However, the reality of the situation is that at that point in time, you were having far too much fun with any girl that tickled your fancy.  I could not be another statistic or notch on your belt.  While I still wonder how I was so strong and held back for so long, I know that I have my pride and dignity in tact.  

Frankly, you’re a nice guy but you’re also a bit of douche bag when you want to be and you have a tendency to make me feel like you can see right through me and know that I would like to make 10 babies with you.  With this in mind, I played my cards very carefully, told the right people the right things (i.e that I completely regret ever even kissing those lips and if I could go back I wouldn’t do it) and moved on quite efficiently really. 

This has worked to my advantage – because the reality is, you could break my heart into thousands of little pieces which would take me quite a while to recover.  So as much as it may suck listening to all your conquests and seeing how attractive the latest fling is, I also am grateful that I had the strength that day to not be like every other girl you’ve stumbled across. 

I will always be jealous of the girl/s who steal your heart, even if for a small fraction of time, because for that moment they were able to see you truly happy and they were the reason.  I don’t know if I’ll ever get a chance to do that again.

 

3.  To The One I Have

The face and name may change, but the presence of this person is constant whilst I’m in between relationships.  You may not be a single person or existent at times, but you help me realise I am stronger than I sometimes give myself credit for.  You make me realise I am in control of the situation and I can leave whenever I want.  I am not bound by some moral obligation nor am I at risk of falling in love.   I love having fun and I love learning about new people, so you my friend, are a great resource.  

While I may not ever want a relationship with you, I do enjoy your company for what it is.  Practice makes perfect right? 

 

4.  To The One I Haven’t Had

I don’t know where you are or if you even exist, but I know that if you do exist, I will love you for everything you are worth. 

I may not be ready for you yet, but I know when you appear, it will all make sense.  All the times my heart has been broken and I spent nights asking, “why me?” will all make sense.  

I don’t know what you are like, or where you will appear.  I don’t know if I’ll know straight away like in the movies, or if over time my heart will realise how much it needs you to be happy, for me to be happy.  I don’t even know if I have already met you and maybe time is waiting for us to both grow and mature before we embark on this relationship. 

I do know that when I fall in love with someone, I give them my all.  I will love you inside and out, I will love your flaws, your annoying little habits and you will become my addiction.  I can’t wait for the day when I wake up every morning looking into your eyes and feeling so warm inside because I finally have that person who made everything worth while.   The days that will slowly turn into nights as we spend hours upon hours just talking and never getting tired.  The nights drinking red wine upon the sofa, listening to some mellow acoustic rendition whilst cuddling.  I cannot wait to smile endlessly at you just because I have finally found you and eternal happiness. 

So wherever you are, I hope you are well.  I hope you are growing and learning.  I hope you have forgiven the past for whatever atrocities it has thrown at you and accepted that you are a stronger and better person for this.  Beyond everything else, I hope that you are happy and are enjoying being young. 

 

For one day, we will have forever… together