Dear Little Sister

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Dear Little Sister

I’ve been wanting to write this for a while now, because you’re at an age where I had made too many mistakes to keep track of. ¬†I had just moved out of home, moved 1000km south to a big city where I knew 2 people, I was dating my high school boyfriend of 3 almost 4 years. ¬†I went through some dark days, when I was your age and I wish someone had been there to guide me through.

I think I’ll write a series of letters addressing what I was experiencing at your age compared to what I have learnt 8 years down the track, but to start off with, lets talk about love.

When I was 18, love was broken to me.  I had just ended my relationship with my high school sweetheart after only living together for 3 weeks.  I then made a series of mistakes involving his best friend, which to this day, I completely and utterly regret and wish beyond many other things, that I could take my actions back.   I then met an amazing guy on the night of my 18th birthday; he was  musician, he was in corporate banking, he was covered in tattoos and his birthday was 2 days before mine.

I was in love from the moment I met him, or so I thought.  I then persisted by calling him everytime I was drunk and singing to him on the phone and telling him how amazing he was.   Safe to say, he ran away pretty effing quickly.

After that, I loved attention so much because I had only had the same guy in my life for 3/4 years, that I hate to admit I became promiscuous in a bad way.  I drank too much, partied too much, slept with whoever I felt like and treated myself quite poorly.

At the time, I knew it was wrong, what I was doing and how I was treating myself, but I didn’t really understand when to stop or when to call it quits. ¬† I kept spiraling down this horrible path and ended up in hospital for alcohol poisoning or suicide attempts at least 8 times within that year… I wasn’t someone who valued themselves or what I had to offer.

 

I stand now at the age of (almost) 26, and wonder what I have learnt. ¬†I definitely don’t party anywhere near as much as I used to (hell you’ll be lucky if you get me in a club once every 2 months). ¬†I’m not promiscuous in any sense of the word, and more importantly I have learnt to cope with my manic depression so much better than I ever thought I could.

 

But what have I learnt about love?

 

Good question and it’s a question I will always, ALWAYS reflect on with every year or milestone or relationship.

 

I suppose if I had to figure out the three main things I have learnt about love in that time they would be…

 

1. We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve – Until We Realise We Deserve Better

The amount of times I’ve called our stepmum bawling my eyes out because I’ve finally just had enough of accepting the bare minimum in a relationship, is overwhelming. ¬†I sometimes wonder if I have in fact learnt anything from all my previous heartbreak, or if I will continuously make the same mistake, as it seems at the moment.

I have thought about this in depth alot particularly in the past 24 hours, and one thing I can’t shake from my head, is that when women stop putting in the effort they usually do and start putting in the same amount of effort their partner does, thats when you can really see the truth behind a relationship. ¬† Either you are compatible because the amount of effort is agreeable by both parties, or you will realise that you actually need someone who WANTS to date you and who WANTS to spoil you.

If you are dating someone where if you don’t make plans, book dates, schedule time in to spend together, then you would have a pretty effing boring relationship – you need to wake up to yourself and really question whether this person wants you as a ‘friend with benefits’ or a ‘life partner’.

I really have taken a step back lately, because I in fact just realised this myself. ¬†I realised I was bored and had nothing to look forward to in my relationship, because I stopped planning and I took a step back from putting effort in. ¬†I had no dates to look forward to, no travel plans to look forward to, no weekend escapes to look forward to… and you know for once I didn’t want to ‘fix this’ myself. ¬†I wanted my partner… my ‘equal’… to actually put effort in and PROVE he wanted to be with me…

Which brings me to my next point…

2.  Talk Is Cheap

Talking things through with your partner or lover or friend or WHOEVER is so important when you want to ensure you’re on the same page. ¬†BUT and this is a Kim Kardashian but… do not let continuous promises of ‘fixing’ or ‘getting better’ fool you.

If someone values what you have to say, sees that there needs to be improvements and understands that you are a special commodity that might be lost at any moment, they will WORK and let their actions speak more than their words.

When someone continuously over promises and under delivers, if they deliver at all, maybe it’s time to leave.

As much as your heart and your time and your head might be invested in this person, if they can’t prove their integrity to you or keep their word now – what makes you think they ever will change? ¬†Sure give them some chances… but if it’s an issue which CONTINUOUSLY is brought up and you are continuously having to explain why you feel like you’re in a one sided relationship, take a step back and actually analyse if they are in fact changing or sticking to anything they say, or if they are just using words for a quick fix, hoping you’ll forget.

A person who truly values another person, will do what it takes (within means) to keep that person.  A person who places little value in another person, will watch them struggle and get upset and KNOW they can fix it with a bit of effort, but will fail to do so.

Ask yourself, are you a ‘friend’ or a ‘girlfriend’? Because as much as I hate the ‘needy’ girlfriend stereotype, the truth is, it was created by society to make women feel guilty for wanting to be treated with a bit more respect and love and appreciation than the postman. ¬†There is nothing wrong with wanting a man who says he loves you, to prove it.

 

3. Learn From Your Parents Mistakes

This has been the hardest lesson for me to learn and one I still struggle with on a daily basis. ¬†Obviously our mother was not a nice person to our father, that’s not debatable. ¬†BUT moving forward, as much as I love our dad, I acknowledge that the way he has treated his ex girlfriends and even our beautiful stepmum, is not up to scratch.

I am not abusive like our mother and never have been. ¬†But do I expect the man to put in little to no effort in a relationship, because that’s why I’ve learnt from our father – yes… god damn yes.

The amount of times I’ve hugged our beautiful stepmum and wanted to just take her away from our dad because I knew she deserved to be treated better, she deserved someone who put in effort and paid attention to her was overwhelming. ¬†Yet I seem to continuously date men who are just like our father because I have somehow accepted this as the norm.

I realised the extent of this last night, when I was talking to one of my best friends and she has the same issue.  Her mum was always the one cooking and cleaning and catering to her fathers every need.  Her father was non-existant when he was home, not putting any effort in with the family and then never spoilt the mother or showed appreciation for her hard work.  So naturally her first marriage was a spitting image of this Рher being the perfect little housewife, without a bar of appreciation.

It is such a shit and hard thing to understand that you don’t have to be the ‘nice girl’ or the ‘always available girl’ or the ‘cool girl’. ¬†Fuck me, I have continuously been ALL of these things in every relationship (besides maybe my first), and you know who always gets hurt in the end – ME!

Why? Because I never EVER expect the man to be the equivalent of what I am. ¬†Society makes out like we have to be these strong independent women, who are great in bed, cool with your man partying with his single friends, leave the house always looking runway ready, keep a clean house and a happy family and earn an income. ¬†What does society expect of the man? ¬†…

Have a job… and don’t cheat…

Literally..

That’s why the term ‘pussy-whipped’ was coined. ¬†Because if a male starts putting in the same amount of effort as a woman, he is clearly dominated by her and is a weakling.

Well no… fuck no… why is there not ¬†a term for when a women is putting every last bit of her energy in for a man, but if a man takes his woman on ¬†date instead of partying with the boys, he is ‘pussywhipped’.

the most important lesson in all of this, is know what you want and don’t let someone give you any less or make you feel like an idiot for having high expectations….¬†

Because you know what, regardless of who you are, you deserve an equal, not a lesser being or someone who just doesn’t get what is standing right in front of them. ¬† A man or woman who sees your worth is out there, and they will come along sooner or later… but the person who makes you feel like shit because you want commitment, you want to know what your future together holds, and you want to know they love you beyond just a text message, is not someone you want in your life for the long term.

Remember I love and adore you, always.

 

 

Your ugly big sister xo

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Let Love In

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I’ve known for a long time that I have massive issues with intimacy. I have worked hard to get around them, but the truth is, at the end of the day, somewhere in my mind or in my heart, something niggles away at me.¬† Lately, it’s been getting much worth as my partner and I move forward in our relationship.

My partner and I now are taking the HUGE leap of moving away from my home town to his home town (which is opposite ends of Australia really!).

Although the packing and moving process has been extremely frustrating at times, the truth is, we’ve discovered we work pretty well as a team… sometimes I just need to stop nagging and sometimes he just needs to be more pro-active but all in all – we work well. My mind and heart are absolutely in love with this man and I could not even dream up a man who is the person he is. My friends and family adore him too (my father likes him more than he likes me.. jerk) and I can see him being an amazing father down the track.

But the one thing that is frustrating to both of us, is my intimacy issues. I’m quite an affectionate person however, there are certain things I just can’t do – for reasons I don’t really understand.

My partner likes to ‘snuggle’ and put his arms around me and let his head rest on my shoulder while we talk. I literally feel smothered, hot, frustrated and uncomfortable beyond all belief. Sure this would make sense if my partner was a 500kg ball of fur, but he’s very far from it. I know it deeply offends him when I grunt or when I go dead silent so as to avoid grunting or asking him to get off, but I honestly just can’t deal with this. I don’t like snuggling, I don’t like spooning, I don’t like someone being in my space in bed.

It used to be so bad, and sometimes still is, that I couldn’t sleep if someone else was in the bed. Some nights, I’m not sure if it’s anxiety or what it is, but I stay up on my phone (on reddit or facebook) and no matter how long I put it down for or how long I lie with my eyes closed, the fact that someone is next to me makes it too uncomfortable for me to fall asleep.

It’s gotten really bad lately and in my mind, the one thing I keep thinking is, I’m going to be sleeping with this man every night soon. Every night in the same bed… what if this never goes away? What if I spend every night having a restless sleep or no sleep at all? What if he gets angered by my lack of intimacy that he decides to leave?

It’s like I’m more than capable of giving love but as for accepting love in – I just can’t do it. Some days, I wonder if I’m even capable of accepting love, because the people I have always had in my life have always ended up being spoilt by me, I give them the best of who I am and in turn get the worst of them or given little time, love or affection.

When I look back at the relationships I’ve had, the ones where the men loved me and treated me like a princess, were the ones I pushed away or got an ‘icky feeling’ about. The ones who let me be, where I was putting all the effort in and they rarely did – are the ones that I still miss or am still upset that the relationships didn’t work.

I know this is directly linked to my mother. When she was nice to me and when she did treat me with love and affection, it was closely followed by a spurt of abuse. I am sure this has large psychological effects, but through all the years of counselling and seeing psychologists, this is one thing that has never been addressed or brought up.

I’m such a big hypocrite and I’m starting to realise that I cry wolf and beg my partner to show me he loves me, but when he does, I push it away, feel uncomfortable or find a fault or flaw in his affection.

I know this is a horrible thing to do and detrimental to our relationship, but I honestly just don’t know how to make that nagging little feeling go away for good.

So here is my question to all you wise readers out there, what do I do? What are the little steps I need to take to be able to let this man love me without having this rising sense of fear/anxiety.

How I Know I’m Getting Old

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Yes, at the ripe old age of 24 … I have come to the realization that I am in fact … Old …

No I don’t shit my pants or have erection problems (I lie, I haven’t had sex in god knows how long so that in it self is an erection problem); but as I grow I am noticing things around me change.

My perception alone has changed a lot, but more than that my taste, my tolerance levels and my overall desires have incredibly and vastly changed since I was 18.

So here is my list of signs that you are inevitably getting older and uglier…

Me vs My Little Sister In Public

Me vs My Little Sister In Public

1) Clothing
I’ve been quite a sensible dresser for a few years, thanks to working in the corporate world, but I still find it funny when my little sister and I clash over opinion of clothing. ¬†The other day we went shopping and while she wore a stunning outfit,¬†had a beautiful face of makeup and was adorned in jewellery¬†I wore a band shirt, some denim shorts and flats and hadn’t brushed my hair or applied makeup.

For her, going out shopping is a chance to make a statement about her style. But for me, it’s an unenjoyable chore. If I don’t have to put effort in, I won’t. I’d rather be comfortable, sans make up and in and out as quickly as possible.

I think looking at younger generations and not understanding their fashion is an age old sign of getting old – but man, does it ring trueDSC_3761-copy1! I honestly do not understand the need for girls to have shorts so small that their ass cheeks are hanging out and their vagina flaps are swaying in the wind… I was driving past a bunch of girls¬†the other day and I couldn’t tell if they were going to a music festival or a strip club… I laughed when my baby sister said, “They look like skanky hoes…” (probably not appropriate language for a 7 year old but still hilarious)

In the words of Yves Saint Laurent, “fashions fade – style is eternal”; as you get older – this rings more true.

(2)¬†I’m Gonna Pop Some Tags
My best friend sent me a message at how excited she was about her latest shop. I laughed because I cannot remember the last time I went on a shopping spree. She elaborated moments later by explaining how excited she was over how much she had saved and what am awesome sale Big W had on.

This is a sign you are getting old – you would rather SAVE money and only buy items on sale, instead of talking about how expensive and exclusive one item it is.

You get excited to go to KMart, Big W and Best and Less because really – who has the time or money to splurge at Myer? It’s like you have a lightbulb moment and you realise it’s all the same shit with different labels or brands on it – so why bother paying more for the same ?

On top of this, shopping for decor, gardening or home wares becomes much more exciting than anything else.

(3)¬†Going to The Chapel.. and We’re Gonna Get…¬†
(i secretly hope you sung that song then in you’re head)
Obviously when everyone arMjAxMi1iNWEzMzAxNDYwYzI5Mzcxound you starts having babies and getting married you’re probably at that age that it’s expected.

However I think your mentality changes Рinstead of being jaded because how dare Lisa and Mike get married when Alfred and I have been dating for twice as long, you are actually just genuinely happy for your loved ones and friends.

The thought of being invited and participating in the most important day of someone’s life actually makes ycd972b419c81341112764cb52827ac2aou so incredibly happy inside and gives you little butterflies – not to mention all the free alcohol and hot random wedding sex.

Then comes the babies …

When one of my best friends had her baby, I felt this amazing sense of love for this little human that I barely knew – it was such a weird feeling and I still don’t understand it. But I think it’s because you love and admire this child’s parents so much that you cannot help but adore this bundle of human skin and poo…

(4) Bedtime is The Shit
I mean this. I actually get excited for bed from the moment I leave it.

It’s like a fluffy haven of warmth and love that will never let me down.

I honestly can’t remember the last time I stayed out clubbing or drinking past 12… I’d much rather have a good nights sleep and no hangover…. Thankkkk you very much!

(5) Wine and Cheese, Please
How amazing is wine and cheese ??
I remember being a kid and even the smell of wine made me want to vomit and Camembert was the equivalent of squashed maggot guts… Yeah … That’s how much I hated it.

Now I’m much older, the thought of opening a bottle of Cab Sauv on a Friday night or sitting down with some friends with a plate if Brie, Feta and Camembert is the ideal social setting.

(6) They Call Me The Ironchef
Ask me two years ago what I could cook, the answer would be 2 minute noodles. These days I’m literally the iron chef. I get so excited to make exciting new dishes and get my family’s reactions and thoughts on how to improve. ¬†Seeing other people enjoy what I make, is so rewarding.

It’s like a whole new world of creation and exploration … And food is amazing – end of story.

(7) Sex? Meh
Casual Sex and the thought of it is just too tiring for me these days.

From someone who had a few … ermm… ‘friends with benefits’… scheduled in on different nights of the week, when I lived in Brisbane, the fact that casual sex just bores me these days would be pretty shocking td05afe45ed5dbdbfc8564d3802d845b9o a few people.

I love sex, I do. In fact I pride myself on how well I please my man, when I’m in a relationship.

But spending time and effort on someone I barely know – it actually irks me these days.

I used to like casual sex, but I realised I don’t like the aftermath. The awkward cuddles and kisses. I don’t want to kiss your mouth – I don’t even like you beyond your penis and what you do with it. I’d rather just get it done, have fun and leave. I don’t want to “snuggle” or talk and pretend there is anything more than a sexual connection between us.

Another light bulb moment you have as you get older is how amazing sex is with someone when there is a deep connection beyond just a physical attraction.¬† Casual sex can end up feeling so hollow and pointless – particularly if they don’t know what they’re doing or know what works for you.

I have decided It’s just too hard and complicated these days ¬†to find the desire to have a one night stand… And really a vibrator does a better job than most males I have met.

(8) If You Can Learn To Do It, I Can Learn To Do It
I feel so inspired and excited to learn or try new things. I just built a veggie patch, started hockey again, I’m trying to learn a new language and I want to know how to use a circular saw…

Ask me to do any of these things as a teenager or as a young twenty something… I could not be bothered.

All of a sudden it’s like a new zest for life comes back. You realise how awesome Betterc5a914384dafcb9a5e20bebe3a912eb4 Homes and Gardens really is. Pinterest is your best friend. You begin to look for new hobbies or things to do, because “why not?” – maybe it’s also based on a fear that we’re getting older and should have more life skills to teach our children or show off to our friends…

Or perhaps it we have a realisation at some point, that these people who know how to sew, build, saw, canoe, cook, speak five different languages – all began somewhere. ¬†They’re not ‘legends of myth’ but just real people who drink, eat, sleep and shit just the way we all do.

All I know is learning something new, building or creating something with your own bare hands or mind, is really liberating and invigorating.

(9) Club Can’t Even Handle Me Right Now
Like literally.. the club can’t handle me, because they fucking kick me out when I get ridiculously drunk by 11pm and cry to a bouncer about how I just got dumped and how no one will ever love me.

But seriously, I have reached a point where going out dancing, clubbing, crumping and twerking just does not do it for me. ¬†On top of this, you have to play a dangerous game of ‘will I be a paedophile if I talk to/touch that cute boy over there’ because all of a sudden, everyone is younger than you!

I’ve also noticed¬†everyone these days is just too cool for school. ¬†They sit in a corner, get drunk, walk around in circles checking out the ‘scenery’ and wait until some hot guy/girl is drunk enough to have the courage to talk to them.

Meanwhile, I’m just doing my ‘T-Rex’ stalking behind guys…

(10) Date? No, I Prefer Sultanas.

One thing that is inevitable when you get older, is your tolerance levels change.. they rise for certain people and scenarios and extremely decrease in others.  Dating is one where I have found my tolerance levels have extremely decreased.

When I was much younger I was so excited at the prospect of being asked out on a date. ¬†I spent days before hand figuring out what to wear, planning what i would say, training myself to not show him my cool ability of being able to ‘quack’ like a duck if the conversation got boring.. and try my best NOT to sleep with them on the first date. ¬† There were hours and hours of effort I put in to these dates, even though 9/10 were absolute duds who couldn’t even afford to pay for my dinner.

85335c13771418909e2442bc5a513127These days, I cannot be bothered ‘hooking up’ or ‘dating’. ¬†The whole idea or thought of letting someone in, putting in all that time and effort for little guaranteed satisfaction is just too wasteful for me to bother.

I like meeting new people, and I’ve been on a few dates since being single again. ¬†But I find myself struggling to even care or to even make the effort. ¬†I actually even asked one guy if I had to shower after my hockey game before having dinner with him…

My issue, that I’ve just uncovered thanks to a great conversation with my exes mother today, I’m too impatient to let a relationship take it’s natural course.

I am straight forward and don’t have time to waste wondering if someone likes me or not. ¬†I don’t want to continuously go on ‘dates’ with someone for three months and wonder if we’re ready to be ‘facebook offical’ yet. ¬†If you invite me over, I’m not going to hold my pee in and die of .. pee related diseases (it is possible, right?).¬† I’m not going to get up in the morning first, brush my teeth, apply makeup, brush my hair and lie back in bed like I just naturally wake up gorgeous.¬† If you’re going to be with someone in the long term, you’re going to see them in their rawest and unsexiest state. So I will be my honest and rawest self from the start so as to avoid any disappointment down the track.

The issue apparently with this is it leaves no mystery, if you give someone everything from the start – there is nothing more of you for them to discover. ¬†There’s no want or desire for them to try and pry more out of you, when you lay it all flat on the table. It’s like buying a see through Kinder Surprise and not getting to even eat the chocolate… how effing boring!

The matter of the fact is, when you get older, part of you wants that eternal relationship.. but part of you also realises that when the time is right, it will happen. ¬†Anything forced seems to end up in heartbreak and hurt, yet anything that happens on the whim, or spontaneous, is fun. ¬†Meeting new people is great, but just because you date someone doesn’t mean you have to continue dating them. ¬†You learn that it is ok to let people go and to just ‘be friends’ or to completely cut ties with people who have no purpose in your life.

It’s a bullshit fairytale we’re fed when we’re young that we are only ‘complete’ when we find our ‘true love’. If you’re waiting for that, I have bad news for you. ¬†You’re the only person who can ‘complete’ yourself. ¬†Figure out what is missing in your life, and go and freaking do it! Don’t say, “oh I want a tall dark man, who likes to swim with sharks and plays guitar”. ¬†Most of the time what we want in other people is what we are lacking in ourselves. ¬†So go out there and swim with sharks, learn how to play guitar and hell! even get a freaking sex change! (ok.. no seriously don’t do that, it’s too expensive… but hey onn the plus side you might win Eurovision?).¬†127978-8f18b89a-d955-11e3-917f-8bca2ad8cf46
(11) You Actually Understand How Important It Is to Love Yourself

It’s told to us a million times when we’re younger, but it only sinks in when we’re much older – LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU LOVE ANYONE ELSE.

When I was much younger, I didn’t understand why anyone wanted to date me, sleep with437124b298501b8a10f07ae0aedf423d me or even talk to me. ¬†So I thought that this person was amazing for wanting to do so, and didn’t know if anyone else would want to sleep with me and found myself in quite a bit of trouble and bad situations as well as a head full of regret. ¬†I didn’t think what I had or who I was, was very special or important or worth holding on to…. I treated myself like a bargain bin lipstick. ¬†I proceeded to be treated accordingly not only in personal relationships, but also at work – I let people treat me like I had no value so it didn’t matter if they bruised me, broke me or destroyed me.

If you don’t learn to love yourself as an adult you will let everyone walk all over you. ¬†You’re going to give away your goods like they are $1 specials at Coles – and no one, NO ONE wants cheap, shit. ¬†WE want a quality person to have fun with, not someone who feels so desperate and vulnerable they throw themselves at anyone who pays them attention.

 

In Conclusion…¬†

Getting old is not a burden or a curse.  It is a blessing and one that a lot of people never get to experience.

So embrace yourself, your lessons learned and your hardships because they are all making you a stronger, wiser, better you.

 

Go get em tiger xo

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Embrace

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He rhetorically asked,
“I don’t know how you could fall in love with me within a few weeks?”
I laughed and at that moment knew he didn’t even love himself and therefore failed to understand how anyone else could.

“I never said I was madly or deeply in love with you – I said I love you, and I still do. I love you for who you are and everything you make me feel. You’re an incredible person and me saying I love you, is my way of saying I completely appreciate all of you.”

I was never asking for love in return.
I give love freely and sometimes a bit too easily…
Why?

Because what is this world without love and appreciation.

All too often we critisice and judge others; speak hateful words in front of them or behind their backs.

But we do it more to ourselves than anyone else.

I didn’t ever need you to love me back.
I have spent a long time learning to love myself.
I appreciate my qualities and what I have to offer.

I was happy in my knowledge that I was the reason you smiled and laughed in the moments we spent together.

All I ever needed you to do, was to love yourself.

That way, when someone gives you their love – you’ll know to accept it.
Rather than pushing it away and rejecting it, you’ll allow yourself to be happy.

You’ll realise you deserve to be happy.
You deserve to laugh and smile.
You deserve to be respected, admired and appreciated.

Life is far too short to hide behind fears of intimacy and rejection.

Embrace your capacity to be happy and someone’s else’s willingness to make you happy.

That is all I ever asked for.

Embrace love and you’ll truly embrace life.

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Hey Baby, I Think I Wanna Marry You…

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woah, calm your tits – no I’m ¬†not talking about you or anyone reading this

I’m sure you’re a lovely person, but it’s just not on my cards RIGHT now…

 

Seriously, I cringe EVERY single time I hear that song.  I never know if Bruno Mars was just taking the piss out of Britney Spears and other drunk Vegas weddings, or if he genuinely thinks the sanctity of marriage is that worthless that you can marry anyone you want, while drunk, just for fun, and if you regret it in the morning, can just get divorced..

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When I was a child, I remember thinking how amazing it would be to find ‘the one’ and get married for eternity and just be in love all day everyday…

Growing up, after watching my dads several failed relationships and marriages, I started to resent the thought of marriage and vowed I would NEVER get married myself because it was just a waste of time and money.

Then at the sweet old age of 14 and 9 months I got swept off my feet and spent the next three years with someone who I thought I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with… three weeks of living together and we were ready to kill each other…

Most recently, my ex and I were thinking about going down that path.. and by thinking I mean there was a lot of pressure on us from family and friends because we had known each other for years, seemed happy enough and the fact that we tried to do the whole long distance thing would mean that we should at least just get engaged to prove that we were going to be faithful to each other. ¬†Hell I remember one night when I went down to Brisbane to visit him, I was crying and begging him to just hurry up and propose because I wasn’t going to sit around and wait forever in Mackay for him to make his mind up…

Yeah… like I said, he is my ‘ex’… and ‘example’ of who I definitely should not marry…

Being an adult, watching people around me get engaged and married all the time, has completely changed my perspective of marriage alllll together. ¬†The truth is, you can marry whoever the fuck you want.. but what makes them ‘the right’ person, is the question.

 

I’m not an expert in the matter, but I like to think that due to the ten million weddings and engagement parties that I have to attend this year, my own failed ‘pre-engagements’ and wedding plans, and just general relationship mistakes have made it pretty clear to me who you should marry or at least some key points to consider before walking down the aisle…

 

1.  You Should Be On The Same Page

Find the closest book, turn to page 45 and if your names are not on the same page then your relationship is doomed…

In all seriousness though, you shouldn’t have to feel like you’re forever explaining yourself because the other person doesn’t ‘get’ you or understand where you are coming from. ¬†You should be able to understand what they mean when they say something that has everyone else scratching their heads or saying¬†‘WTF’. ¬† ¬†Sometimes you sit there and cringe after what you said, because you know you’re going to have to explain yourself to everyone else, but your partner just laughs because they get you and know you just said the stupidest fucking thing.

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You should have the same future wants and needs to an extent because you shouldn’t really be marrying someone who wants to have kids in the next 6 months if you NEVER want to have kids. ¬†If you hate smoking and smokers, and they refuse to give up smoking, you should probably have a pretty big chat about that one too… Or if they like doing recreational drugs on the weekend and you’ve never touched drugs in your life and are pretty against them – consider that maybe JUST maybe, you should not be marrying this person. ¬†If they are talking about retiring at the age of 30 and you’re the most motivated person in the world and love working and would happily work until you’re a billionaire, then they probably are not the person you should consider spending the rest of your life with.

If you’re not on the same page BEFORE you’re married, then it’s only going to get worse after you get married. ¬†This will be pretty obvious planning the wedding though (I would imagine) as this task in itself requires a lot of team work and shared decision making. ¬†If you can’t even agree the specifics on the wedding, then how are you going to agree on any other specifics afterwards?

Remember, this is the person who you will be (or should be) ¬†making joint decisions with for the rest of your life, so you need to make sure before the hard decisions have to be made, that you’re on the same page. ¬†Or you could end up like my old school friend, divorced within 6 months of the wedding because he wanted to stay in his home town and have babies and she just didn’t really know what she wanted and felt like she was too young to ‘settle down’…

 

2.  Have They Got Their Shit Sorted?

In the words of TLC … “a scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly, he’s also known as a buster… always talkin bout what he wants and just sits on his broke ass… ”

Getting married should be an ‘adult’ decision and is like making an investment. ¬†You might buy a house that you plan to renovate, but you shouldn’t marry a person who you need to strip down and rebuild. ¬† If they are still struggling to manage their finances, health, well being, relationships, job and life then they probably don’t have their shit sorted.

This is a bit of a controversial topic though, because I don’t think you’re ever going to find anyone who has everything sorted out and things change and shit happens. ¬†Look at me, I lost my job just before I met my current partner and I would never think he would take me on board while I felt so disorganised and messed up. ¬†Because of me not having a job for a few months, I now have a lot of overdue bills and expenses that I have to work towards paying back. ¬†However, upon reflection this was not something I had a lot of control over and I was working my arse off trying to find a job and minimising all my costs and expenses while I was unemployed.

You have to figure out whether their life situation or their situation they are in right now, is one they will continue being in or if it’s one they have self ¬†built and don’t want to get out of. ¬†My ex and were a perfect example of this, he was quite happy being ‘unemployed’ and watching movies/playing PC games in his undies in bed all day while I worked… likewise, I was quite happy living pay cheque to pay cheque because even though I was working a very well paying job and had no assets to show for it, I couldn’t resist buying a new outfit or pair of shoes every week…

Both of us were prime examples of people who didn’t have their shit sorted, and were quite happy with it being that way.

 

3. They Should Understand Respect

This is a massive one for me. ¬†A girlfriend once told me, ‘If he speaks badly of his ex then he will speak badly of you’. ¬†It is so true. ¬†While I don’t always speak very highly of my exes, I value each one of them for what they taught me and for the times that were good. ¬†You should rarely¬†look back on a past relationship and speak horribly of an ex day in and day out and particularly with your partner. ¬† The truth is, at one point, you were happy with that person and there was a reason you were dating them.

It is natural to go through a phase where you constantly want to tell the world how much of a shit head they are and how heart broken they left you, but you should reach a point where you just learn to accept and appreciate it for what it was. ¬†That being said, there are still some real assholes in the world that can’t be avoided.

If they talk about their family, their friends and their exes with respect, than they’re probably only saying respectful things about you. ¬†If they take every chance they can to bag out their friends behind their back – you need to question what the hell they say about you. ¬†Likewise, if you hear them talking in depth about this one time they did this to this girl and how funny it was, it’s probably time to put on the invisible cloak and run away as fast as you can.

There is a difference between criticising someone and being disrespectful… Make sure you understand when someone is just speaking their mind because they are frustrated or they disagree with the choices of someone and when they are downright being nasty, cruel and like a school yard bully.

 

4. ¬†You Shouldn’t Feel Pressured/In A Rush

There are two sides to this, but anyone in my opinion who gets married VERY quickly is either insecure about the strength of their relationship or opinions of others or hasn’t really thought it through.

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Think of my example before, I was crying and begging my ex to just hurry up and propose so I could prove that what we had was worth fighting and waiting for.

BIIIIGGG Indicator we weren’t meant to get married and I was literally just trying to mask the insecurities I had, because I knew waiting for him and making long distance work was basically pointless because something told me it wasn’t right.

You shouldn’t be marrying someone because all you’re friends are doing it, or because you’re getting ‘old’ and need to get married now because you could end up single for the rest of your life, or because the other person is threatening to leave you if you don’t.

Marriage and engagement should be some of the happiest times of your life. ¬†Not the times where you feel as though you’re walking on egg shells, about to make a huge mistake or are continuously questioning yourself and your decision.

One of my best friends has been engaged for close to two years now, and while I think they rushed in getting engaged (it was on their one year anniversary) they have spent the past two years happily engaged and just living life out together. ¬†Just because you’re engaged does not mean you need to make wedding plans ASAP. ¬†Engagement is your time to work through your future plans together as a couple and make sure that you are in fact making the right decision.

My cousin was engaged to her partner of several years, and a few months before their wedding they broke up.  Both of them are happily in other relationships now and there is no animosity.  This is due to the fact that they spent that time talking and discussing future plans about life after marriage, and came to the realisation that who they were now, and what they wanted in the future were completely different to who they were when they started dating.

The truth is, people change. ¬†Particularly when you’re young. ¬†It’s not a bad reflection on yourself or the person you’re dating or engaged to if you are no longer in tune with each other. ¬†It just means that you’re not meant to spend the rest of your life together. ¬†Our wants and needs change a lot in our teens and early twenties, and sometimes who we began dating is very different to the person we break up with.

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5.¬†¬†They Aren’t Afraid to Have Adult Conversations

If the person you are with can’t commit to having a conversation about weddings, babies and marriage then they are probably never going to be ready to have that conversation with you.

That doesn’t mean that you should start talking about it in the first week of dating or that you should be sitting there waiting for the right time to bring it up. ¬†You don’t want to scare the poor guy/girl away in the first couple of weeks of dating them by sounding like you’ve already planned out your whole lives together. ¬†I.e ‘I can’t believe they’re having 300 people at their wedding,¬†we’re¬†not going to…’

What I mean, is if people around you are having babies, getting married etc. ¬†you should naturally be able to discuss this with the other person in a non-committal sense. ¬†Figure out what their thoughts are on those around you who are getting married or having children – or if you’re watching a movie or TV show, just bring it up in conversation. ¬†This is all about being on the same page as each other – if you are talking about your best friends child who eats all the chocolate in the world and doesn’t exercise and lives on their Xbox ¬†and how much this disgusts you, and your partners sees nothing wrong with it – you’re definitely going to have issues later down the track.

If someone is grown up enough and ready to find that person, then they won’t mind talking about these things from time to time. ¬†They won’t mind expressing their opinion because chances are they’re sussing you out and what you would be like as a mother/wife before they make a massive mistake. ¬† If they are afraid to talk about these things or constantly shy away from the conversation, then they probably are just thinking this is a high school relationship and the future is not really important to them (or atleast their future with you isn’t important).

6.  You Are HAPPY and Are In Love

I cannot stress this enough! ¬†If you are not happy with the person you are engaged to or married to, then get the fuck out of there! ¬†It’s not always going to be sunshine and butterflies, but it should be at least 70% of the time. ¬†The amount of people I see getting engaged because they have been together forever and just think it’s the right thing to do, but are actually quite miserable is unbelievably high. ¬†Sure behind closed doors they might have the best sex and laugh all the time, but usually other people around you will know if you’re in a happy relationship.

Your parents will be happy when you’re partner is around because they know how happy they make you.

Your friends will smile when you bring them up in conversation because they know you’re in love.

Your heart should flutter when you see them every now and then because you realise how lucky you are and how amazing this person is.

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If you’re not happy while you’re engaged – then don’t solidify you’re wedding plans… work through it and see if you can make the relationship get back to that point where you were happiest and got butterflies and SMILED. ¬†If you can’t, then don’t be afraid to end it. ¬†Relationships do reach expiry dates. ¬†Don’t keep at something that is making you or the other person miserable – you’re much better off being single and enjoying life and one day, the right person might come along.

On my birthday weekend, we were sharing an apartment with one of my beautiful friends and her fiancee. ¬†I couldn’t help but smile like a little child when I woke up early and walked out to the lounge room and heard them giggling constantly in bed together. ¬†They have been together for 8 years or so and have definitely have had their fair share of ups and downs and criticism. ¬†But they are in love and they are happy. ¬†His words later that day were, “Fuck if I wasn’t attracted to her still she’d be long gone… sorry baby, but it’s the truth”. ¬†That is how it should be.

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Above all else, the one thing that has spoken the most to me about marriage and love is ‘Don’t marry someone you wouldn’t want your child to marry’. ¬†We often think of our future children and place more value on them then ourselves. ¬†So if you can’t see the person you’re marrying being a good role model or good mother/father, that’s a big sign that they are not the person you should be marrying, but beyond that – if you wouldn’t want your child to marry them – then don’t marry them yourself.

 

While this list isn’t exhaustive, these are some of the things that I value and that upon talking to several other people, are pretty darn important when making that big decision. ¬†The sad truth is, divorce rates are ridiculously high so most peoples weddings you attend will end up in a broken marriage. ¬†But if you yourself don’t want to make that mistake, heed the wisdom of those around you and most of all TRUST YOUR INSTINCT. ¬†We all know that we have those weird little gut feelings that churn when we’re in a situation we’re not comfortable with – so if you have that, sort it out and be honest with yourself. ¬†Because there is nothing worse than letting yourself down – than knowing that you KNEW something was wrong but you refused to acknowledge it.

 

Marriage is an investment and like any investment has risk. ¬†But you can curtail this risk by being honest with yourself and what your expectations are. ¬†Don’t get married just to become a divorce statistic.

 

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Easy

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I have a dilemma ..

I have written a few things, far too soppy and lovey dovey for anyone bar my phone or notebook to read, so have been quite absent from this blog. ¬†The reason is when I am truly happy and blissfully swept off my feet, ¬†I really struggle to write.. I stop over analysing and reading into things and actually just lose all passion to write (that and because I don’t think anyone wants to read about how wonderfully, blissfully happy someone else is… how boring!)

But see the dilemma is that I am now writing, which means either (a) something is missing in my puzzle of perfection or (b) I’m conjuring up reasons to doubt my happiness, whether these reasons are valid or if these problems actually exist, I’ll let you be the judge…

 

This dilemma…? I think I am too easy..

Ok.. no not in the Emma Stone, sleeping around, Easy A sense… no no… I mean, I think I am constantly making things too easy for other people, particularly men.

Part of the issue is that I hate playing games, I hate all the waiting, wondering how the other person is feeling, wondering if I should text, if I should wait to sleep with them, if I should not date them until they actually buy me dinner three times…

I’m impatient.. and I just hate bullshit.. I’d rather know straight up if you’re potentially going to be the father of my ten babies, or if you’re just after a fuck. ¬†If I want sex, I will have sex, I don’t care what the other person thinks or what anyone else will think – if I want it, I’ll have it.

But then of course, there is no chase. ¬†There is no one ‘lusting’ over me or wondering what it would be like to take me on a date or be in bed with me, because I’ll either tell them no straight away and crush any dreams or hopes they have (ok, this has happened like once or twice, I’m really not ‘hot property’) or I’ll say, “hell why not” and a few Gin, Lime and Soda’s later and Mary-Kate and Ashley (my boobs, not the midget celebrity twins) will make a guest appearance.

 

Over the years, guys have said to me, “Oh I’m so glad you’re not like all those other girls who are so shy or such high maintenance or hard to understand.. you’re just so honest and straight up”. ¬†Yeah… thanks, but what guys have failed to tell me is that these girls that are ‘shy/high maintenance/hard to understand’ are actually the ones who end up being spoilt rotten, taken to Paris, proposed to in Rome and honeymoon in the Maldives. ¬† Girls like me? Oh.. we end up not being thought about more than ‘a friend’ or ‘one of the boys’ or ‘a cool chick’.

Why? Because secretly, like it or not, all men want a princess. ¬†Men want someone that they can spoil, who looks a million dollars, who is a challenge to them and who they can show off on their mantle piece .. or .. bedroom.. or kitchen, in a few years time while everyone is asking, “How the fuck did you get her??” ¬†They want the bragging rights, they want to be able to say that they worked hard and they actually got a girl who is worth having.

I have such a bad, bad habit of getting into relationships with people, who tell me straight up, “Oh I don’t like high maintenance girls…” and I agree and say, “ha.. high maintenance, that’s not me… hell if I want a diamond ring, I’ll buy myself one because you’ll probably pick the wrong one anyway” and therefore giving them the easy way out. ¬† So while I spend hours sucking their dicks, watching terrible movies, driving them home when they’ve had too much to drink and allowing them more time with ‘they boys’ then they have ever spent on a single night with me, I end up very unhappy and doubting my self worth and confidence for the millionth time.

 

While it’s not necessarily indicative that there is anything wrong with me or any ‘flaws’ as such, it is indicative of my lack of understanding the virtue of patience. ¬†I was never told that being patient to be in relationships and patience in relationships are important. ¬†Here is the truth I wish I learnt long ago – if you don’t make them put effort in, to get INTO the relationship, then why the hell would you expect them to put effort into the relationship to make it work or to make you stay.

 

My last boyfriend, well he actually went a whole fucking year without taking me out on a date… and I mean, like he paid for everything, drove and put effort in to looking respectable in public (no boardies.. no thongs…). ¬†Best part? His mum organised and PAID for the date… yeah… super romantic, huh? Oh and the only reason we even went on a date was because it was my birthday… and no, I didn’t get a birthday present… the $56 his mum paid for dinner and a glass of wine was my birthday present.

 

The one before that, well.. lets see.. I would go to work for 8.5 hours a day, uni for 4 hours a night, catch a train for an hour and a half to get to his place that night, only for him to fuck me then sleep and wake me up at 6am to drive me back to the train station… ¬†He had a car, he could have driven to see me and he actually only worked a few streets away from my house yet still didn’t make the time to see me. ¬†The dates, well see he was a uni student, and couldn’t really afford anything while I was working full time – so I’m pretty sure he never actually paid for a date… well apart from that one time he made me watch some terrible movie, and the ticket was $8.. and I had to buy him popcorn…

 

My ridiculous need to continuously please other people, particularly men/boys, is actually more detrimental than I thought. ¬†Don’t get me wrong, there have been a few guys that I have dated over the years who have spoilt me rotten and have taken me to dinner and breakfast and lunch and still been great in the bed … (ok, one and he was Irish…) but it seems that the vast majority of men I date, date me because they think they literally have to put no effort in to dating me.

 

So my question is, if you don’t have to put effort in with someone (which is great because relationships that are hard work are usually just a waste of time anyway) shouldn’t you want to make them happy and take them places and surprise them just to see a smile on their face? ¬†The last time I was surprised by the actions of a male.. 2009.. he threw a jewellery box at me, with a silver and sapphire ring inside, (idiot.. I like EMERALDS not sapphires) for Valentines Day and said ‘THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS’… which, although seems really bizarre, was quite sweet as it was actually the last time I got a present or any kind of surprise sentiment from a male.

I’m not asking for a knight in shining armour or even Hugh Jackman (10 years younger Hugh Jackman that is), I’m not asking for a new pair of shoes or a pretty ring every week.. I don’t want expensive dinners or high class champagne… I’m asking for someone to come along and say, “HEY I like you for more than just your bedroom antics.. and more than just a friend… and I actually want to surprise you and do something nice for you because I know it would make you smile and would bring you happiness… ”

 

The truth, I’m only just realising, is that if I want someone like this.. I maybe need to just stop making it so easy to be with me… I need to make someone work a little bit harder, before they get the right to date me. So when they finally have me, they know I am what they want, that they fought hard and worked hard to get this opportunity, and that they will continuously try to make me happy in fear of losing me…

At this point, I feel like I wouldn’t be a loss at all.

 

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Wake Up Call

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I’m not usually the most romantically optimistic person in the world. ¬†While I completely believe in it for other people and am witness to quite a few beautiful relationships occurring around me, my mothers lack of love for my father and my fathers repeated relationship failures led me to believe that maybe I’m somehow genetically ¬†retarded to find ‘true love’ .. or just someone who actually wants to be with me for more than just sex.

There I was, living out my life – being successful and shit – building networks and relationships, kicking personal goals butts and half the time I didn’t have a ‘beloved’ by my side. ¬†In fact, my last (facebook official) relationship (which I foolishly believed was ‘the one’) actually probably only lasted as long as it did because he was 1000km away from me for a good year of it.

In my last post I discussed how incredibly attractive I am at the moment with my lack of job, lack of funds for make-up to conceal my pizza complexion due to lack of funds for cleansing products, and my incredibly undesirable living arrangement with my family. ¬†I pushed the last man out of my life (as if that’s a surprise) due to my complete lack of self confidence in what I could possibly offer the relationship, leading to my only offer being sex. I became convinced that it would be close to impossible to find anyone, ANYONE in their right mind at least, to want to pick up my broken pieces and want to put them together. Or at least appreciate those broken pieces for what they once were and who they once made me.

However – since writing that and now – I have had a massive wake up call.

I’ve always said, and always will believe, that you shouldn’t expect to find the perfect person unless you are the perfect person.

What I blindly did not take into consideration, is that perfect is completely subjective. ¬†My perfect person is completely different to my best friends perfect person and that is completely different to Honey Boo Boo’s dad’s idea of perfection also.

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When I lost my job, the one thing I have continuously worked my arse off for and has always been my greatest pillar of strength, I felt as though I was completely and utterly unattractive in every single sense of the word.  I assume this is how anyone feels when they lose the one thing they put so much hard work into and pride themselves on.

However, I was wrong and I was luckier than most. While all these … shit things kept happening in my life, someone crept up on me. ¬†Someone who I met once and couldn’t get out of my head. ¬†Someone who got to know me, put the effort in to talk to me and actually showed interest just as a friend… and a decent person… in fact – he rejected my drunken sexual advances.. and I was pretty rapey…

I immediately took insult to his rejection, putting it down to my list of endless flaws that I’m increasingly more aware of when my life takes a turn for the worse. Yet, some how I swallowed my pride and embarrassment and I let him in and gave him a chance because at that point in time I just needed someone to listen and to be a friend.

While he knows I’m going through a shit time in my life, what he made me realise is that I’m more than a job or a position – that was never the be all and end all of what I could offer. ¬†Yes, work is very important to me and hopefully I won’t have to resort to being a Macca’s employee any time soon (but hey, I am getting pretty desperate). ¬†However, there are other things I can offer the world; other things that make me a valuable human and more importantly things that people love and cherish me for that I often forget are important.

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Part of meeting someone amazing is that they inspire you to be the best version of yourself.  I can happily say that this beautiful person who has entered my life at what seems to be the worst point, has made me realise so many things in such a short couple of weeks and has impacted me more than most people do in years.

While nothings certain and tomorrow he could just dump my arse, I feel incredibly lucky to have been taught this lesson and to continue to be inspired to be a better person because of who he knows I can be, rather than who I feel I am at my lowest points.

So here’s my sage advice… if you ever lose the one thing that you feel defines you, the thing that you have worked on tirelessly, that people continuously talk about when they mention your name, remember that along the way you must have built up some other strengths and skills.

All this time I focussed on my career I let my friendships and relationships slide, I always put love and boyfriends last and my career first. ¬†Whilst that’s my choice and to be honest I’m glad I did, this last month has also been a massive wake up call that you can never have full control over anything in life. So don’t make sacrifices for anything in the short term that will jeopardise your happiness in the long term.

You need to be happy and genuinely happy with your choices; you need to let people in every now and then because the lessons you can learn from them if you just give them a chance, are often priceless. ¬†I don’t believe you ever meet anyone by accident – everyone has value in them. ¬†It is up to you to find that value in each person you meet and that in itself will make you realise your own value and what you can offer to the world.

xox