Dear Little Sister

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Dear Little Sister

I’ve been wanting to write this for a while now, because you’re at an age where I had made too many mistakes to keep track of. ¬†I had just moved out of home, moved 1000km south to a big city where I knew 2 people, I was dating my high school boyfriend of 3 almost 4 years. ¬†I went through some dark days, when I was your age and I wish someone had been there to guide me through.

I think I’ll write a series of letters addressing what I was experiencing at your age compared to what I have learnt 8 years down the track, but to start off with, lets talk about love.

When I was 18, love was broken to me.  I had just ended my relationship with my high school sweetheart after only living together for 3 weeks.  I then made a series of mistakes involving his best friend, which to this day, I completely and utterly regret and wish beyond many other things, that I could take my actions back.   I then met an amazing guy on the night of my 18th birthday; he was  musician, he was in corporate banking, he was covered in tattoos and his birthday was 2 days before mine.

I was in love from the moment I met him, or so I thought.  I then persisted by calling him everytime I was drunk and singing to him on the phone and telling him how amazing he was.   Safe to say, he ran away pretty effing quickly.

After that, I loved attention so much because I had only had the same guy in my life for 3/4 years, that I hate to admit I became promiscuous in a bad way.  I drank too much, partied too much, slept with whoever I felt like and treated myself quite poorly.

At the time, I knew it was wrong, what I was doing and how I was treating myself, but I didn’t really understand when to stop or when to call it quits. ¬† I kept spiraling down this horrible path and ended up in hospital for alcohol poisoning or suicide attempts at least 8 times within that year… I wasn’t someone who valued themselves or what I had to offer.

 

I stand now at the age of (almost) 26, and wonder what I have learnt. ¬†I definitely don’t party anywhere near as much as I used to (hell you’ll be lucky if you get me in a club once every 2 months). ¬†I’m not promiscuous in any sense of the word, and more importantly I have learnt to cope with my manic depression so much better than I ever thought I could.

 

But what have I learnt about love?

 

Good question and it’s a question I will always, ALWAYS reflect on with every year or milestone or relationship.

 

I suppose if I had to figure out the three main things I have learnt about love in that time they would be…

 

1. We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve – Until We Realise We Deserve Better

The amount of times I’ve called our stepmum bawling my eyes out because I’ve finally just had enough of accepting the bare minimum in a relationship, is overwhelming. ¬†I sometimes wonder if I have in fact learnt anything from all my previous heartbreak, or if I will continuously make the same mistake, as it seems at the moment.

I have thought about this in depth alot particularly in the past 24 hours, and one thing I can’t shake from my head, is that when women stop putting in the effort they usually do and start putting in the same amount of effort their partner does, thats when you can really see the truth behind a relationship. ¬† Either you are compatible because the amount of effort is agreeable by both parties, or you will realise that you actually need someone who WANTS to date you and who WANTS to spoil you.

If you are dating someone where if you don’t make plans, book dates, schedule time in to spend together, then you would have a pretty effing boring relationship – you need to wake up to yourself and really question whether this person wants you as a ‘friend with benefits’ or a ‘life partner’.

I really have taken a step back lately, because I in fact just realised this myself. ¬†I realised I was bored and had nothing to look forward to in my relationship, because I stopped planning and I took a step back from putting effort in. ¬†I had no dates to look forward to, no travel plans to look forward to, no weekend escapes to look forward to… and you know for once I didn’t want to ‘fix this’ myself. ¬†I wanted my partner… my ‘equal’… to actually put effort in and PROVE he wanted to be with me…

Which brings me to my next point…

2.  Talk Is Cheap

Talking things through with your partner or lover or friend or WHOEVER is so important when you want to ensure you’re on the same page. ¬†BUT and this is a Kim Kardashian but… do not let continuous promises of ‘fixing’ or ‘getting better’ fool you.

If someone values what you have to say, sees that there needs to be improvements and understands that you are a special commodity that might be lost at any moment, they will WORK and let their actions speak more than their words.

When someone continuously over promises and under delivers, if they deliver at all, maybe it’s time to leave.

As much as your heart and your time and your head might be invested in this person, if they can’t prove their integrity to you or keep their word now – what makes you think they ever will change? ¬†Sure give them some chances… but if it’s an issue which CONTINUOUSLY is brought up and you are continuously having to explain why you feel like you’re in a one sided relationship, take a step back and actually analyse if they are in fact changing or sticking to anything they say, or if they are just using words for a quick fix, hoping you’ll forget.

A person who truly values another person, will do what it takes (within means) to keep that person.  A person who places little value in another person, will watch them struggle and get upset and KNOW they can fix it with a bit of effort, but will fail to do so.

Ask yourself, are you a ‘friend’ or a ‘girlfriend’? Because as much as I hate the ‘needy’ girlfriend stereotype, the truth is, it was created by society to make women feel guilty for wanting to be treated with a bit more respect and love and appreciation than the postman. ¬†There is nothing wrong with wanting a man who says he loves you, to prove it.

 

3. Learn From Your Parents Mistakes

This has been the hardest lesson for me to learn and one I still struggle with on a daily basis. ¬†Obviously our mother was not a nice person to our father, that’s not debatable. ¬†BUT moving forward, as much as I love our dad, I acknowledge that the way he has treated his ex girlfriends and even our beautiful stepmum, is not up to scratch.

I am not abusive like our mother and never have been. ¬†But do I expect the man to put in little to no effort in a relationship, because that’s why I’ve learnt from our father – yes… god damn yes.

The amount of times I’ve hugged our beautiful stepmum and wanted to just take her away from our dad because I knew she deserved to be treated better, she deserved someone who put in effort and paid attention to her was overwhelming. ¬†Yet I seem to continuously date men who are just like our father because I have somehow accepted this as the norm.

I realised the extent of this last night, when I was talking to one of my best friends and she has the same issue.  Her mum was always the one cooking and cleaning and catering to her fathers every need.  Her father was non-existant when he was home, not putting any effort in with the family and then never spoilt the mother or showed appreciation for her hard work.  So naturally her first marriage was a spitting image of this Рher being the perfect little housewife, without a bar of appreciation.

It is such a shit and hard thing to understand that you don’t have to be the ‘nice girl’ or the ‘always available girl’ or the ‘cool girl’. ¬†Fuck me, I have continuously been ALL of these things in every relationship (besides maybe my first), and you know who always gets hurt in the end – ME!

Why? Because I never EVER expect the man to be the equivalent of what I am. ¬†Society makes out like we have to be these strong independent women, who are great in bed, cool with your man partying with his single friends, leave the house always looking runway ready, keep a clean house and a happy family and earn an income. ¬†What does society expect of the man? ¬†…

Have a job… and don’t cheat…

Literally..

That’s why the term ‘pussy-whipped’ was coined. ¬†Because if a male starts putting in the same amount of effort as a woman, he is clearly dominated by her and is a weakling.

Well no… fuck no… why is there not ¬†a term for when a women is putting every last bit of her energy in for a man, but if a man takes his woman on ¬†date instead of partying with the boys, he is ‘pussywhipped’.

the most important lesson in all of this, is know what you want and don’t let someone give you any less or make you feel like an idiot for having high expectations….¬†

Because you know what, regardless of who you are, you deserve an equal, not a lesser being or someone who just doesn’t get what is standing right in front of them. ¬† A man or woman who sees your worth is out there, and they will come along sooner or later… but the person who makes you feel like shit because you want commitment, you want to know what your future together holds, and you want to know they love you beyond just a text message, is not someone you want in your life for the long term.

Remember I love and adore you, always.

 

 

Your ugly big sister xo

So Let’s Do It Like They Do On The Discovery Channel

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A few years ago, one of my best friends met a guy who she has always described as the best sex of her life.¬† At the time, I was in a relationship with someone who I thought… THOUGHT i was going to spend the rest of my life with, solely because I assumed what we had was pretty good, until we got into the bedroom … Where the chemistry just seemed to disappear. I was in one of those situations where two of my best friends were in relationships, but mine had been longer than both so thought I was the wise one of the bunch ready to give advice here, there and everywhere.

This said best friend had the most amazing sex life, I mean these two would put rabbits to shame with their non-stop bedroom antics.¬† At the time I assumed it was just a sexual relationship. I was on my high horse and kept thinking it would only be a matter of time before the chemistry wore off, before she found out he was using her for sex or before they both just ran out of things to do in the bedroom…
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Oh how wrong I was.

I could not understand at that point in my life how someone could have such an amazing relationship with one person and not have it entirely revolve around sex – when it seemed that was the basis for their relationship.

My dad and his latest wife had an open relationship and though I never fully understood it, that coupled with the amount of males who used me solely for sex, made me think that being in a good relationship meant that the sex didn’t have to be spectacular – because spectacular sex just led to heartbreak… or empty feelings.

My friend is now happily engaged to this man, they have a daughter together and own a house together.  Meanwhile, that relationship I was in has long ended in a lot of heartbreak and confusion.

It wasn’t until this year .. in fact, this relationship I am in, that I realised how important it is to be so sexually confident, open and even liberated with the person you are dating and that in itself is a sign of good things to come.

Sex has always been up on my favourite activities, but I always thought you could have great sex and an average connection/no commitment or average/bad sex and an amazing connection/relationship.

One of my other best friends just got married to her love of eight years, and it wasn’t until I got to know them better that I realised you can still be in love, have a mutual respect and understanding of each other and have an amazingly fulfilling sex life – even after such a long time together.
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In fact, their marriage/relationship gets ‘frowned upon’ by another couple who have been together for just as long but maybe only have sex once every couple of months at best – they just think it’s all a show and that their connection isn’t genuine.¬† They do not understand how one of my best friends ‘leads this lifestyle’ with her now husband.¬†

I honestly used to think what they had was rare too and they were just ‘lucky’ in what they had or they were just very sexual people.¬† However,¬† upon several conversations with other married friends and workmates, I have realised that having a healthy sex life is one of the most important aspects in a relationship – that is what differs your relationship from a friendship.

If you’re in a deeply committed and fun relationship with someone, you should be able to express yourself in the bedroom, to feel sexy and wanted, to be able to explore your sexuality and desires without feeling as though you are being frowned, judged or looked down upon.

Whilst sex is not the be all and end all of relationships, it is vitally important in maintaining a successful and happy bond between two people.

So ladies and gents, do yourself a favour and spend a good hour or two exploring your sexuality and desires with your partner this weekend … after all, you deserve it… and I guarantee it will only do your relationship good …

 

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I Got That Going For Me, Which Is Nice

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oh hey.. it’s 1am and I can’t sleep
I’m craving a peanut butter and honey sandwich so fricken bad right now, I’d give pregnant crack whores a run for their money ..

So i was laying in bed, thinking about how I should get up and make this sandwich as it might in fact make me fall asleep, and then I began thinking about how many calories might be in that sandwich which wasn’t brought on by the fact that I had just finished sighing over Emily Ratjkowski’s hotness …

Yes... She Is THAT chick from THAT film clip..

Yes… She Is THAT chick from THAT film clip..

you know, and the reason that I was looking at her Facebook page was because a crush I’ve had for over 10 years just happened to like it..

Seriously life has been made much worse since the invention of Facebook.

I know exactly what kind of girl my crush likes – and screw me.. but I do not have the time or money to waste on lip fillers or breast implants let alone going to a GYM… i mean .. who does that shit?

ok.. people who care.. .. and that’s just not me…

See i’m on this spiral at the moment, where life is handing me a shit load of lemons and I ain’t got no pastry and sugar to make me some sweet lemon tarts..

In fact, I actually have like cuts all over my metaphorical lemon loaded body, so it’s stinging even more than it should.

Oh? you thought this blog was going to be motivating and up lifting and inspiring… well guess what… SCREW YOU SOCIETY! I DON’T HAVE TO BE HAPPY AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!

On another note, I should quickly mention that I am aimlessly failing at my 100 days of happy challenge.. just putting it out there.. it is FUCKING HARD TO BE HAPPY 100 DAYS IN A ROW WHEN YOU ARE BEING PEGGED BY WATERMELON SIZED LEMONS !!

Ok, so where did this begin?

Well let see.. I got my heart broken (shutup .. I know I said I was fine, but after two months of bawlling my eyes out every time I get drunk.. I think I have accepted that I am just NOT over it just yet…), I got sick…and… well that’s about it… So I mean in the realm of possibilities and worldwide catastrophes, my life is NOT THAT BAD… but let me explain to you, why it actually in fact is.

 

1. I Got My Heart Broken
So a couple of months ago, literally just after it happened, I wrote about how fucking optimistic I was at what the future would hold, how I knew he was making a mistake, how blissfully happy I was to  be single.

What we call that, children, is positive re-inforcement or .. that other set of words that my brain fails to remember just when I need it but will remind me while I’m in the middle of taking a shit at 6pm the next night… (thanks Dick Brain!). ¬†Point is, I kept trying to be happy, I kept forcing myself to be happy and social and date and move on and the truth was, I just wasn’t ready to. ¬† After spending many a night calling my best friend in tears, asking WHY? Why can’t I be overly attracted and head over heels in love with the smart, sexy, Greek God, guitar playing, engineer who is ready to settle down? Why am I not getting butterflies? What the F is wrong with me when he is literally EVERYTHING i want in a guy, and yet I’m still in love with a guy who could barely count to ten… (ok that’s a bit harsh.. )

Her answer, ‘You’re not ready to move on’.

I am stubborn.. and hate being told to be patient or any other ‘let yourself heal’ bullshit, so told this wise and¬†¬†mythical love goddess – “YOU ARE IN FACT WRONG! I WILL PROVE IT TO YOU BY SLEEPING WITH THIS GUY”.. and then crying all the way home on the phone to you for an hour… and then having major sexual withdrawals and body image issues ever since…

So thanks for that dick brain… that was an awesome move… Now.. If I can stop having erotic dreams about Greek Gods, that’d be fantastic too..

2. I Became Best Friends With A Dry Cab Sauv
Then! I decide to get drunk, ALOT .. .and not only try and call every single one, bar the last, of my exes for some kind of ‘explanation’ as to why I am so unlovable, but quite willingly put myself out there again to be used and abused by the same terrible exes…

Another phone call with the best friend went along the lines of,

“But what if I was wrong? What if he is THE ONE and maybe we needed to break up and spend time apart so that we could grow as people… and now.. it’s the right time and we are ready to settle down..?”
Wise and mythical love goddess returned with, “Bek… he didn’t make you cum in 6 months.. he still has no job.. he still thinks naming a child after a Lord of The Rings Character is a good idea… he is NOT THE ONE”…

(in case any of my exes/exes friends read this – this is not just one guy – this is actually based on a couple of guys and some exaggerated traits for the purpose of getting a point across to an intoxicated female).

Ok – point taken, next stop LESBO-VILLE!
I don’t know when, why or how – but my tinder is suddenly full of really not attractive lesbians … and vagina pics…
I don’t know why I always reach this conclusion, but by the third or fourth drunk break down it is as if I decide there is no way in hell I could ever date another man, so I might as well plow the carpet…or munch the rug…
Which, never lasts past ‘hello’ or a drunken pash, but some part of my subconscious is clearly lesbian and it always comes out at the worst of times and ends up with me kissing the wrong girls.

My dear friend Cab Sauv and I had a very eventful night… I attended a friends hens night (who happens to be marrying one of the exes best friends.. ok so like that’s how we met – but I’m totally claiming her in the divorce…) and oh HELLO exes other ex gf is there too (which I kinda expected) but then there also seems to be NO ONE LEFT IN MACKAY WHO DOES NOT KNOW HIM which is fucking awesome…

I spent the whole night questionning what the other ex was thinking of me (hey because you know, he fell in love with her and told me he could never fall in love with me); then crying because I realised how wonderful, lovely, cool, calm, collected, sober and lady like she was – while I’m sucking on a plastic penis. Then I spent the remaining parts of the night being told how much of a douche bag he was, how lucky I am to be single, how miserable he will be rah rah rah…. all the usual bull shit, people tell you to hope that you will move on and be fine… but really just ends up with you questioning why you dated someone who was clearly too messed up in the head to realise a good thing when they had it…

The next part is the best part… after consuming too much alcohol, spending money on pokies in spite of him (he loved them and I HATE THEM) and then deciding I in fact want to smoke, I run into him…

I'm so Pretty ... Oh So Pretty.. I'm So Pretty and Wity and ...

I’m so Pretty … Oh So Pretty.. I’m So Pretty and Wity and …

I don’t really remember much after that apart from pushing a plastic penis in the groom-to-be’s face and asking him if he liked it in and around his mouth, and then basically making out with every single girl in sight… yep… I even somehow met up with my Greek Guitar playing God, and somehow still decided it was better to make out with chicks? In turn, I caused a lot of pain and hurt to someone who I care about alot and felt very fucking stupid .. so I decided to walk home.

when I say home, I mean like 3ks down the road…

that was only because I couldn’t find a taxi driver who would take me home because I was too drunk and they were scared I was going to vomit…

I finally found a taxi driver to take me home, and on the way back to my house, contemplated asking him for his hand in marriage… He was from Punjab… his parents are putting pressure on him to get married.. I was horny and love sick..

Don’t worry – I’m still single… and still horny..

After waking up the next day and realising how bad I had behaved, I went to find my car keys and ALAS they have escaped me. ¬†My only pair of car keys are no where to be found… and I therefore have to get my car towed, $400 + new keys cut $550 .. so it is safe to say that is the MOST EXPENSIVE HENS NIGHT I HAVE EVER BEEN TO! both in my dignity and … cash..

3. I Got Sick… Not Fully Sick..

So … Tuesday morning rolls around… I’m awake at 3am…
Worst stomach pains EVER… like … not even a kiss better from Gerard Butler would fix this shit.

Go to work anyway, cos I’m hardcore like that…

Comes to about 2pm .. pain is excruciating… go to doctors..
‘Are you pregnant?’

My first thought is “I got laid and didn’t even remember/enjoy it??!?”
My second thought is “Oh… that’s right… I ended up shutting that out of my memory because I’ve never had someone laugh at me during sex… Ever… Let alone three times…”
My third thought is “what did the doctor ask again?”

“Oh.. umm no.. .I mean.. I don’t have a partner… so umm no” Yeah that makes fucking sense you knob, because you’re clearly the virgin mary and don’t have sex out of wedlock.

Anyway, she calls the ambo’s immediately, pretty sure it’s my appendix and gives me a shot of morpheine.

Then she proceeds to ask if there is any way I could be pregnant…
This time my thought process is a bit shorter, but I tell her again, “No…” and leave out the ‘i don’t think so’ because that would require explanation…

Turns out, the pregnancy test they did came out positive….

FML ..

Second one turned out negative… now either the first was a faulty test or that foetus killed itself at the first chance it had before being associated to me and my trainwreck of a mind/life within its first futile moments..

The sad thing is – I actually had a glimmer of positive thought there – if I was pregnant it might mean a male would have to stick around in my life regardless of my social awkwardness..

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Fastforward ==> ¬†Hospital ==> ¬†Public ==> Not one single mildly attractive doctor ==> everyone keeps fucking poking my belly asking me, “Does this hurt” whilst I’m whincing/crying…. “nah it’s fine bro” ==> get asked twenty more effing times if I could be pregnant — are you not in the medical profession for a reason? Instead of constantly reminding me of my shitty sex life, how about you just do some tests that require no communication.. thanks ==> get appendix taken out ==> also have a ruptured ovarian cyst ==> alive – life is good…

So I’m ¬†less of a woman now…
I’m missing my appendix..
I have three little scars from where they cut me open..
I am sore..

The only positive I can take from having my appendix removed¬†is¬†my addiction to pain killers is being satisfied! WINNNING (i’m joking kids…)¬†They actually tried to discharge me just on Panadol… are the health cuts THAT BAD that you can remove an organ from someone but only provide them with low range pain relief???

Now, I have to take two weeks off work – which is like all of your annual sick leave (on most Australian employee agreements) in ONE GO and.. I’ve only been working for this company for three months, so I get unpaid two weeks off work… because I already used my sick leave last month when I was told I just had ‘gastro’ (turns out my appendix was like exploding you dumb mofo)… so I’m broke.. without a car.. .can’t afford to get my car back… suck at life and am refusing to let a perfectly amazing guy into my life because of my dick brain..

On the plus side – since I already had this surgery before, they cut over one of the old scars, and the new scar kinda intercepts and makes it look like a have secondary small vagina below my bellow button/pouring out of it.. ¬†So I got that going for me… which is nice…

How I Know I’m Getting Old

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Yes, at the ripe old age of 24 … I have come to the realization that I am in fact … Old …

No I don’t shit my pants or have erection problems (I lie, I haven’t had sex in god knows how long so that in it self is an erection problem); but as I grow I am noticing things around me change.

My perception alone has changed a lot, but more than that my taste, my tolerance levels and my overall desires have incredibly and vastly changed since I was 18.

So here is my list of signs that you are inevitably getting older and uglier…

Me vs My Little Sister In Public

Me vs My Little Sister In Public

1) Clothing
I’ve been quite a sensible dresser for a few years, thanks to working in the corporate world, but I still find it funny when my little sister and I clash over opinion of clothing. ¬†The other day we went shopping and while she wore a stunning outfit,¬†had a beautiful face of makeup and was adorned in jewellery¬†I wore a band shirt, some denim shorts and flats and hadn’t brushed my hair or applied makeup.

For her, going out shopping is a chance to make a statement about her style. But for me, it’s an unenjoyable chore. If I don’t have to put effort in, I won’t. I’d rather be comfortable, sans make up and in and out as quickly as possible.

I think looking at younger generations and not understanding their fashion is an age old sign of getting old – but man, does it ring trueDSC_3761-copy1! I honestly do not understand the need for girls to have shorts so small that their ass cheeks are hanging out and their vagina flaps are swaying in the wind… I was driving past a bunch of girls¬†the other day and I couldn’t tell if they were going to a music festival or a strip club… I laughed when my baby sister said, “They look like skanky hoes…” (probably not appropriate language for a 7 year old but still hilarious)

In the words of Yves Saint Laurent, “fashions fade – style is eternal”; as you get older – this rings more true.

(2)¬†I’m Gonna Pop Some Tags
My best friend sent me a message at how excited she was about her latest shop. I laughed because I cannot remember the last time I went on a shopping spree. She elaborated moments later by explaining how excited she was over how much she had saved and what am awesome sale Big W had on.

This is a sign you are getting old – you would rather SAVE money and only buy items on sale, instead of talking about how expensive and exclusive one item it is.

You get excited to go to KMart, Big W and Best and Less because really – who has the time or money to splurge at Myer? It’s like you have a lightbulb moment and you realise it’s all the same shit with different labels or brands on it – so why bother paying more for the same ?

On top of this, shopping for decor, gardening or home wares becomes much more exciting than anything else.

(3)¬†Going to The Chapel.. and We’re Gonna Get…¬†
(i secretly hope you sung that song then in you’re head)
Obviously when everyone arMjAxMi1iNWEzMzAxNDYwYzI5Mzcxound you starts having babies and getting married you’re probably at that age that it’s expected.

However I think your mentality changes Рinstead of being jaded because how dare Lisa and Mike get married when Alfred and I have been dating for twice as long, you are actually just genuinely happy for your loved ones and friends.

The thought of being invited and participating in the most important day of someone’s life actually makes ycd972b419c81341112764cb52827ac2aou so incredibly happy inside and gives you little butterflies – not to mention all the free alcohol and hot random wedding sex.

Then comes the babies …

When one of my best friends had her baby, I felt this amazing sense of love for this little human that I barely knew – it was such a weird feeling and I still don’t understand it. But I think it’s because you love and admire this child’s parents so much that you cannot help but adore this bundle of human skin and poo…

(4) Bedtime is The Shit
I mean this. I actually get excited for bed from the moment I leave it.

It’s like a fluffy haven of warmth and love that will never let me down.

I honestly can’t remember the last time I stayed out clubbing or drinking past 12… I’d much rather have a good nights sleep and no hangover…. Thankkkk you very much!

(5) Wine and Cheese, Please
How amazing is wine and cheese ??
I remember being a kid and even the smell of wine made me want to vomit and Camembert was the equivalent of squashed maggot guts… Yeah … That’s how much I hated it.

Now I’m much older, the thought of opening a bottle of Cab Sauv on a Friday night or sitting down with some friends with a plate if Brie, Feta and Camembert is the ideal social setting.

(6) They Call Me The Ironchef
Ask me two years ago what I could cook, the answer would be 2 minute noodles. These days I’m literally the iron chef. I get so excited to make exciting new dishes and get my family’s reactions and thoughts on how to improve. ¬†Seeing other people enjoy what I make, is so rewarding.

It’s like a whole new world of creation and exploration … And food is amazing – end of story.

(7) Sex? Meh
Casual Sex and the thought of it is just too tiring for me these days.

From someone who had a few … ermm… ‘friends with benefits’… scheduled in on different nights of the week, when I lived in Brisbane, the fact that casual sex just bores me these days would be pretty shocking td05afe45ed5dbdbfc8564d3802d845b9o a few people.

I love sex, I do. In fact I pride myself on how well I please my man, when I’m in a relationship.

But spending time and effort on someone I barely know – it actually irks me these days.

I used to like casual sex, but I realised I don’t like the aftermath. The awkward cuddles and kisses. I don’t want to kiss your mouth – I don’t even like you beyond your penis and what you do with it. I’d rather just get it done, have fun and leave. I don’t want to “snuggle” or talk and pretend there is anything more than a sexual connection between us.

Another light bulb moment you have as you get older is how amazing sex is with someone when there is a deep connection beyond just a physical attraction.¬† Casual sex can end up feeling so hollow and pointless – particularly if they don’t know what they’re doing or know what works for you.

I have decided It’s just too hard and complicated these days ¬†to find the desire to have a one night stand… And really a vibrator does a better job than most males I have met.

(8) If You Can Learn To Do It, I Can Learn To Do It
I feel so inspired and excited to learn or try new things. I just built a veggie patch, started hockey again, I’m trying to learn a new language and I want to know how to use a circular saw…

Ask me to do any of these things as a teenager or as a young twenty something… I could not be bothered.

All of a sudden it’s like a new zest for life comes back. You realise how awesome Betterc5a914384dafcb9a5e20bebe3a912eb4 Homes and Gardens really is. Pinterest is your best friend. You begin to look for new hobbies or things to do, because “why not?” – maybe it’s also based on a fear that we’re getting older and should have more life skills to teach our children or show off to our friends…

Or perhaps it we have a realisation at some point, that these people who know how to sew, build, saw, canoe, cook, speak five different languages – all began somewhere. ¬†They’re not ‘legends of myth’ but just real people who drink, eat, sleep and shit just the way we all do.

All I know is learning something new, building or creating something with your own bare hands or mind, is really liberating and invigorating.

(9) Club Can’t Even Handle Me Right Now
Like literally.. the club can’t handle me, because they fucking kick me out when I get ridiculously drunk by 11pm and cry to a bouncer about how I just got dumped and how no one will ever love me.

But seriously, I have reached a point where going out dancing, clubbing, crumping and twerking just does not do it for me. ¬†On top of this, you have to play a dangerous game of ‘will I be a paedophile if I talk to/touch that cute boy over there’ because all of a sudden, everyone is younger than you!

I’ve also noticed¬†everyone these days is just too cool for school. ¬†They sit in a corner, get drunk, walk around in circles checking out the ‘scenery’ and wait until some hot guy/girl is drunk enough to have the courage to talk to them.

Meanwhile, I’m just doing my ‘T-Rex’ stalking behind guys…

(10) Date? No, I Prefer Sultanas.

One thing that is inevitable when you get older, is your tolerance levels change.. they rise for certain people and scenarios and extremely decrease in others.  Dating is one where I have found my tolerance levels have extremely decreased.

When I was much younger I was so excited at the prospect of being asked out on a date. ¬†I spent days before hand figuring out what to wear, planning what i would say, training myself to not show him my cool ability of being able to ‘quack’ like a duck if the conversation got boring.. and try my best NOT to sleep with them on the first date. ¬† There were hours and hours of effort I put in to these dates, even though 9/10 were absolute duds who couldn’t even afford to pay for my dinner.

85335c13771418909e2442bc5a513127These days, I cannot be bothered ‘hooking up’ or ‘dating’. ¬†The whole idea or thought of letting someone in, putting in all that time and effort for little guaranteed satisfaction is just too wasteful for me to bother.

I like meeting new people, and I’ve been on a few dates since being single again. ¬†But I find myself struggling to even care or to even make the effort. ¬†I actually even asked one guy if I had to shower after my hockey game before having dinner with him…

My issue, that I’ve just uncovered thanks to a great conversation with my exes mother today, I’m too impatient to let a relationship take it’s natural course.

I am straight forward and don’t have time to waste wondering if someone likes me or not. ¬†I don’t want to continuously go on ‘dates’ with someone for three months and wonder if we’re ready to be ‘facebook offical’ yet. ¬†If you invite me over, I’m not going to hold my pee in and die of .. pee related diseases (it is possible, right?).¬† I’m not going to get up in the morning first, brush my teeth, apply makeup, brush my hair and lie back in bed like I just naturally wake up gorgeous.¬† If you’re going to be with someone in the long term, you’re going to see them in their rawest and unsexiest state. So I will be my honest and rawest self from the start so as to avoid any disappointment down the track.

The issue apparently with this is it leaves no mystery, if you give someone everything from the start – there is nothing more of you for them to discover. ¬†There’s no want or desire for them to try and pry more out of you, when you lay it all flat on the table. It’s like buying a see through Kinder Surprise and not getting to even eat the chocolate… how effing boring!

The matter of the fact is, when you get older, part of you wants that eternal relationship.. but part of you also realises that when the time is right, it will happen. ¬†Anything forced seems to end up in heartbreak and hurt, yet anything that happens on the whim, or spontaneous, is fun. ¬†Meeting new people is great, but just because you date someone doesn’t mean you have to continue dating them. ¬†You learn that it is ok to let people go and to just ‘be friends’ or to completely cut ties with people who have no purpose in your life.

It’s a bullshit fairytale we’re fed when we’re young that we are only ‘complete’ when we find our ‘true love’. If you’re waiting for that, I have bad news for you. ¬†You’re the only person who can ‘complete’ yourself. ¬†Figure out what is missing in your life, and go and freaking do it! Don’t say, “oh I want a tall dark man, who likes to swim with sharks and plays guitar”. ¬†Most of the time what we want in other people is what we are lacking in ourselves. ¬†So go out there and swim with sharks, learn how to play guitar and hell! even get a freaking sex change! (ok.. no seriously don’t do that, it’s too expensive… but hey onn the plus side you might win Eurovision?).¬†127978-8f18b89a-d955-11e3-917f-8bca2ad8cf46
(11) You Actually Understand How Important It Is to Love Yourself

It’s told to us a million times when we’re younger, but it only sinks in when we’re much older – LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU LOVE ANYONE ELSE.

When I was much younger, I didn’t understand why anyone wanted to date me, sleep with437124b298501b8a10f07ae0aedf423d me or even talk to me. ¬†So I thought that this person was amazing for wanting to do so, and didn’t know if anyone else would want to sleep with me and found myself in quite a bit of trouble and bad situations as well as a head full of regret. ¬†I didn’t think what I had or who I was, was very special or important or worth holding on to…. I treated myself like a bargain bin lipstick. ¬†I proceeded to be treated accordingly not only in personal relationships, but also at work – I let people treat me like I had no value so it didn’t matter if they bruised me, broke me or destroyed me.

If you don’t learn to love yourself as an adult you will let everyone walk all over you. ¬†You’re going to give away your goods like they are $1 specials at Coles – and no one, NO ONE wants cheap, shit. ¬†WE want a quality person to have fun with, not someone who feels so desperate and vulnerable they throw themselves at anyone who pays them attention.

 

In Conclusion…¬†

Getting old is not a burden or a curse.  It is a blessing and one that a lot of people never get to experience.

So embrace yourself, your lessons learned and your hardships because they are all making you a stronger, wiser, better you.

 

Go get em tiger xo

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What’s The Time Mr Wolf?

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Time…

The force that controls our life more than we ever want it to, since the day we are born we are defined by time and what we do with that time.

We spend hours upon hours complaining at the time it takes to get lunch, finish that project at work, complete study and how far away the weekend is and yet how quickly it also disappears.

I look at life now, and I wish I had known years ago how precious time was when I was younger – instead of spending hours complaining or waiting for something to happen… I wish I had just spent it taking myself up on those challenges, working harder to forge stronger friendships and more time with the people who had little time left on this planet…

The time itself was always going to pass, that was inevitable… but what I did with it, that’s what changed the world and who I am now…

 

Timing itself is the real bitch in life.

You can meet the most incredible person, spend hour upon hour smiling in their presence, not release how much time has passed and then watch them in a couple of seconds push you away forever.

All those hours, minutes and seconds spent laughing, cuddling, kissing, making love, just enjoying being together are lost in time because for one reason or another… the timing wasn’t right in their life.

 

You can be and have everything… but if that person isn’t at a time in their life where they are ready for endless time together – then it means nothing.

So once your heart is broken, once you decide it’s time to be alone and re-build your confidence and self esteem, how are you expected to let someone in?

What if, the timing wasn’t right for them, and now the timing isn’t right for you to let a seemingly amazing person in?

Someone, who says they’re willing to wait – but doesn’t realise that the time they spend waiting for you to be ready, is time they could be spending loving the right person – while you’re still loving the wrong person.¬†While you sit there¬†hoping that as time goes by, they’ll only miss you rather than move on.¬† When in reality, you’re wasting time waiting for a love that will never be returned.

I wish I had more time with you – because I’m still struggling to believe¬†you have no time left for me.

Now, I have no space in my heart, to want to give time to someone who so obviously deserves it.

All because I gave you more time than you were ever ready to spend on me.

It Is Ok

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I noticed since my break up, that I have been extremely optimistic and gotten over things pretty fast.

I put this down to years of beating myself up, putting myself down and then realising that I could only love someone as much as I could and not expect anything in return if I didn’t want to get hurt anymore.

Yes, I cried – I was so angry the night it happened, on my way to pickup my large supreme pizza, I screamed at the top of my lungs to the universe and the seemingly shit bad luck I’ve had recently, then ¬†bashed my steering wheel as hard as I could.

I asked, “Why me? Why can’t someone just love me?”

What did it achieve?

Nothing.

I picked myself up and moved on. I got back into my fitness regime, ¬†sprinted while listening to Katy Perry and Kanye West on repeat (don’t judge) and I fucking smiled! I smiled because I am allowed to be happy and¬†I know I deserve to be happy instead of being an emotional wreck.

I’ve learnt to love myself and to thrive when being single to the point that I actually get excited at the prospect of being able to watch whatever I want, cry at the corniest movies, drink red wine in my undies, while eating chinese on a Friday night, fart as loudly as I want, and not have to worry about preening myself or my nether regions for someone else’s enjoyment.

Being single is such a great time, if you let it be. However, a few of my friends have been waiting for a phone call. ¬†Waiting for me to break down, anxiously hoping my dad doesn’t call them from the hospital. ¬†My dad, my workmates and my friends have been prying me to break lose and to break down.

And I Haven’t.

The extent of my spiral was a drunken night the night after it happened, and I was upset more for the fact that I got kicked out of a club for being too drunk and ruining a perfectly good girls night, than I was that I had lost love.

While I might be doing extremely well, given the circumstances, I think society expects us to break down and fall apart. ¬†I had a workmate who basically was begging me to fall apart, she kept prying and asking questions and saying ‘You can cry – it’s ok’. ¬†I didn’t want to cry and I didn’t want to talk about it.

What I have learnt is that … it is ok.

It is ok to be honest and to feel raw emotion and to crave some kind of affection. It is ok to fall apart, to lose yourself in tears and sadness. ¬†It is ok to need a day off work and to get so drunk that you call and text your ex a million times. ¬†It’s ok to get nervous at the thought of the amount of weddings and engagement parties you have to attend SOLO. ¬†It is ok to want to throw your frozen coke on the teenage couple in front of you who won’t shut up because they need to tell each other one more time how in love they are. ¬†It is ok to want to punch your TV when¬†Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson fall in love in ten days when you’ve worked your arse off for months to end up getting nothing more than a ‘you’re a good person’.

All of these feelings, emotions and actions are OK – you’re not less of a person for feeling them.

Nor are you weak.

But the thing is, it is also ok to move on.

I’ve spent days and weeks crying about exes and dreaming that we were together again. ¬†I would go to sleep at night telling myself they loved me and they would wake up one day and run back to me and tell me how amazing I am and how stupid they were.¬†I went through phases where I honestly thought I was sleeping next to an ex still and woke up in tears when I realised they weren’t there and they never would be again.

What did this achieve?

Nothing.

When it is time to move on, allow yourself to move on. ¬†Don’t entertain these negative thoughts that will get you nowhere. ¬†You don’t need to be your own worst enemy – you should always be your own best friend.

You should always love yourself enough to know that as bad as your heart may break, you will always survive and that everything will be ok.

I have learnt, over the years, that I fall in love easily and deeply. I also learnt to never place any expectations on your love. Love is not supposed to be greedy.

Love is supposed to be freely given, without expectation, without compromise and without pressure. ¬†You can only love someone as much as you can and hope that they love themselves enough to appreciate that. ¬†When they do, you’ll usually find, the strength of your love is returned.

If they don’t, all you can do is embrace the fact that you were lucky enough to have loved – and to experience that emotion.

Many people go their whole lives without falling in love or ever appreciating another person purely.

If you can, if you do without expectation, then you are on your way to living a bullet proof existence.

You’ll never doubt your heart or regret your decision to love ever again.

You will simply smile at the fact that you were presented a person who needed love more than you did and in one way or another, you made their life much better.  And you will know, that because you love yourself and value yourself so much Рit will be ok.

Always Look On The Bright Side of Life

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Look at me.. trying to be all optimistic and shit..

Yeah – that’s me on a regular daily basis, lifting other people, being the role model for my brothers and sisters and inspiring others due to the amount of shit that seems to continuously go wrong in my life, whilst I continue to move on with a fucking smile on my face.

Well guess what.. I’m not smiling right now.. I’m pretty pissed off… and I’m sober which just adds to my long list of woes.

Over the last week I have been fired from my job, that I spent 60+ hours a week working my arse at off, due to a misunderstanding on social media, my parents are getting divorced and I realised the guy that I liked quite a lot turned out to not give a shit about these first two happenings and apparently only wanted me for sex and witty banter… so I drunkenly told him politely to fuck off and thanked him for leading me on.

So here I am .. broke again – and for the first time in my life (ok since I was 17) I am completely and utterly unsure of what the hell I am meant to do to get out of this situation. ¬†I mean, Richard Branson isn’t answering any of my calls and since I’ve spent a weekend drinking all the alcohol my body could handle and eating all the chocolate cake my thighs would allow, I really can’t even consider sucking dick right now for a living – unless I wore a balaclava.

But lets be honest – who the fuck would read anything I wrote if I didn’t at least try and put a positive tongue-in-cheek twist on things. ¬†So instead of sitting here bitching and complaining about things that seem to happen out of my control that inevitably leave me broken, I’m going to sit here and try to figure out how I can make these things somehow positive.

Here are a list of things that make being broke absolutely and incredibly terrible for a young single woman in the 21st century:

    1. Beauty Regime… What Beauty Regime
      I’ve never really been one to spend hours upon hours primping and preparing myself, however since having to choose between my phone bill or cleanser, I have noticed how much it SUCKS not being able to afford ‘girly products’. ¬†My skin looks like a pizza, my legs and armpits envy that of a caveman and lets not even get started on my body odour. ¬†All of a sudden I can’t afford my Clinique makeup or Clarins cleanser, toner and moisturiser.While, yes these probably aren’t ESSENTIAL products like fuel in the car.. they are important to me. ¬†They help me mask this face that genetics gave me – the face that I would really RATHER hide under hundreds of dollars of products on a daily basis.Don’t let anyone ever tell you you can compromise for home brand razors – I had to borrow some of my dads, and I broke out in a rash all over my legs … lets not even mention higher than the legs because it ain’t pretty. ¬†This goes for deodorant as well – sure if you want to smell like a truck driver five minutes after putting it on, then go for it… otherwise maybe even consider spraying Toilet Spray under your arms as it would probably work better.
    1. Are You Going To Eat That?
      Yes – Yes I am… I’m going to eat 2 Minute Noodles for breakfast, lunch and dinner because fuck you.. that’s why. ¬†Sure it might not be my favourite Spaghetti Pernod Calamari and Capsicum from the most amazing Italian restaurant.. but it beats eating tuna out of a can until I find a new job. ¬†Say I could afford to buy something more than 2 Minute Noodles – I would be buying either cheap wine or chocolate – because I need to consider the food triangle of poverty here and these other two items are ESSENTIAL.
    1. Sex… Or Lack There Of
      I used to pride myself on my career, education, status rah rah rah – and I was always in control of my life, so I felt very control of situations with males. ¬†Now, what do I have to attract them to me? I’ve already stated I have acne like a teenage boy, caveman legs and the only makeup I can afford turns me into an oompa loompa.On top of that – I literally have nothing to offer in conversation… I live with my parents.. soon to be parent.. I am probably going to have to sell my convertible to afford two minute noodles and I left alot of my assets in Brisbane at my exes house. ¬†Now I ain’t saying she a gold digger.. but pretty much, that is how it is going to come across until I find employment.

      This is where big tits would really come in handy…”So Bek.. what do you do for work?”
      “oh.. I um… oh no.. some ice fell down my top onto my breasts… ”¬†*touch breasts suggestively.. man proposes*¬†Crisis averted…Ok so pretty obvious my sex life has gone to shit too – but that’s ok.. I have toys… I just can’t afford the batteries in them.. and at the moment, they are running on dead so it’s like having sex with a geriatric patient… YAY

However, in spite of the shitness of the situation and being broke, there are some… good things that have come from this.

1. ¬†You realise how important it is to surround yourself with friends and family. ¬†I was at dinner on Friday night and was sitting across from an old friend who recently decided to persue another girl rather than continue with me… so you can imagine how I coped with that.. after a quick trip to the toilet, four of my girlfriends were waiting outside and just hugged me and listened to me whilst I drunkenly ranted about how shit everything in life is. ¬†It was such a precious moment for me because I haven’t been extremely close to any of these lovely ladies, but them being there just when I needed them made me feel so lucky and blessed to have a beautiful group of friends who just listened when I needed it most.

2. ¬†You’re allowed to be angry, sad, depressed and drunk… and it’s ok … have a cry, scream and do what you need to do to get your frustration out … most people will understand and will pretend like you drunkenly calling at 1am, to tell them you’re just going to swim to Antarctica to live a life with the penguins as no one else is as lonely and as much of a failure as you, is totally acceptable.

3. ¬†The pain you experience in the short term may suck.. but it probably saved you a shit load of pain LATER in life or down the track. ¬†Tick one asshole off the list, you’re closer to finding Mr Right. ¬†So a job fired you for posting a stupid photo on Instagram, well goes to show how petty they were and how little they appreciated you’re hard work and input – why not work at an employer who actually appreciates you and understands you…

So in the words of my dearest friends and idols (mainly the latter..), Monty Python, always look on the bright side of life.. it may be shit for a while, but things could always be worse and things will always get better…

P.S my ‘G’ key shit itself for the last two paragraphs of this… you know.. just to test my anger levels and make sure I was in fact looking at the bright side of life.. Who needs ‘G’ anyway? ¬†‘R’ is a much better letter

P.P.S on top of the aforementioned shit … Phillip Seymour Hoffman died.. who was by far my favourite actor and an absolute idol of mine.. Don’t do Heroin kids!