I am me.  And she is alright. 

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When I was in my first two or three years of high school, I used to come home from school, crying, hating my pizza pimple face and orange mop hair. My dad, not used to dealing with teenage girl drama, was at a loss as to how to comfort me.
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He told me while I may not be beautiful, it really didn’t matter. The difference between me and the popular girls, wasn’t the designer shoes or backpacks. It wasn’t the fact they had grown up with the same friends for the past 13 years, or that they had better skin and nicer hair.

The difference was confidence.
They were confident in themselves and that was really what I was jealous of.

While I spent all this time trying to be a replica of these popular girls, forcing my dad to spend the last few dollars he had on the coolest school shoes and Dolly magazine to fit in, I was failing to create happiness.  In fact, I have very few memories of my first years in high school because I spent most of my time trying to be “good enough”, trying to be cooler, trying to fit in instead of focussing on what I did have, who I had in my life and making some incredible memories there and then.

In the end of Grade 10 or so I found my confidence and all of a sudden my world changed. I loved every moment of my last two years of school and spent little time comparing myself to others, received the second highest score in the school and left with some amazing memories and great friends.  In fact, one of the popular girls who I previously envied, asked me to write a statement for her School Captain nomination, to support her.  I left feeling on top of the world and as confident as ever.

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The end.

I wish. See while 13 year old me was busy comparing herself to those around her, those who seemed happier and seemed to have it together, she failed to realise it was her comparisons and assumptions alone that were making her life hell. 

You would think that once you learn a big life lesson, such as happiness comes from confidence in oneself, that it automatically sticks for the rest of your life. But unfortunately it doesn’t – or atleast not easily or automatically.

When we become adults, it’s a whole new terrain – and this changes depending on where you live, who you hang out with and who you look up to.

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18 Years Old

18 year old me wanted to be the illusive, misunderstood and complex emo girl. I died my hair black, got a fringe, wore blue contacts and hung out at underground screamo bars, pretending to like the scene.  I never felt like I fit in, but my housemates were into it and for fear of being left out – I tried my best to play the part.  I even created a fake ID, got busted, lied to my dad about it when I was almost summoned to court – and learnt the hard way that sometimes fitting in at whatever cost, is not worth it.  I soon moved out of the house and made different friends.

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My 21st – The Tan, The Hair..

Fast forward to 21 year old me. I had to be the party girl with a high paying job with an endless supply of fun, alcohol and men. I worked full time while most of my friends were still at uni, I studied law part time and spent any free time I had partying, chauffering friends around or falling in and out of love with boys and men who treated me poorly, trying to figure out why no one loved me.

I am 26 years old (going on 27 – ancient I know) and now I feel so in need of having my “shit sorted”. I need to have a stable career, a family, fiancée or husband, the best degree and endless energy to do yoga at 6am and drink champagne by 6pm.

 

Guess what? It’s fucking exhausting. The reality is, no one is putting the pressure on ourselves to be better than we are, more so than ourselves.

Image result for nothing screws us up more like the opinion of whoThe idea of who we are meant to be by a certain age, or what we are meant to have, what car we should drive, what size we should be, how many social media followers we should have, what length our hair should be, our marital or womb status… These are not things that justify our worth. They do not make us more or less worthy of self love or self appreciation.

While these ideals can assist us in driving us towards perhaps who we would like to be or what we would like to achieve, it doesn’t matter that we are not there yet or not the perfect person.  So much energy is spent on comparing ourselves or degrading ourselves, that we forget to celebrate the achievements and live in the here and now.  To appreciate what we have exactly as it is.

I just read Jesinta Campbells new book, and something that stood out to me is the mind frame for exercise.  The majority of people focus on the ‘end result’.  They focus on the weight loss, that they fail to focus on how exercising makes them feel – the endorphins released and the freedom and happiness it brings.  This is why so many people fail to keep the weight off because they think once they reach the destination, that’s it – rather than focussing on the journey and acknowledging what they feel or experience in the time being.

So instead of constantly feeling as though I need to be better – get better grades, get engaged, get a house, get a 6 digit salary, visit Paris and The Maldives while becoming a size 6 and driving a Mercedes…. I am going to say fuck it.

I need to take a step back, enjoy the journey and embrace the here and now.
I am confident in myself.
I am good enough for me right now.

My worth is not defined by what I have… It is defined by my heart, my intentions, my moral and my soul.

Starting today, it is time I learnt to get my confidence back.

To smile again and to enjoy life just as it is; all expectations aside.
I am me.  And that is all I need to be right now.
I am me.  And she is alright.

Let Love In

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I’ve known for a long time that I have massive issues with intimacy. I have worked hard to get around them, but the truth is, at the end of the day, somewhere in my mind or in my heart, something niggles away at me.  Lately, it’s been getting much worth as my partner and I move forward in our relationship.

My partner and I now are taking the HUGE leap of moving away from my home town to his home town (which is opposite ends of Australia really!).

Although the packing and moving process has been extremely frustrating at times, the truth is, we’ve discovered we work pretty well as a team… sometimes I just need to stop nagging and sometimes he just needs to be more pro-active but all in all – we work well. My mind and heart are absolutely in love with this man and I could not even dream up a man who is the person he is. My friends and family adore him too (my father likes him more than he likes me.. jerk) and I can see him being an amazing father down the track.

But the one thing that is frustrating to both of us, is my intimacy issues. I’m quite an affectionate person however, there are certain things I just can’t do – for reasons I don’t really understand.

My partner likes to ‘snuggle’ and put his arms around me and let his head rest on my shoulder while we talk. I literally feel smothered, hot, frustrated and uncomfortable beyond all belief. Sure this would make sense if my partner was a 500kg ball of fur, but he’s very far from it. I know it deeply offends him when I grunt or when I go dead silent so as to avoid grunting or asking him to get off, but I honestly just can’t deal with this. I don’t like snuggling, I don’t like spooning, I don’t like someone being in my space in bed.

It used to be so bad, and sometimes still is, that I couldn’t sleep if someone else was in the bed. Some nights, I’m not sure if it’s anxiety or what it is, but I stay up on my phone (on reddit or facebook) and no matter how long I put it down for or how long I lie with my eyes closed, the fact that someone is next to me makes it too uncomfortable for me to fall asleep.

It’s gotten really bad lately and in my mind, the one thing I keep thinking is, I’m going to be sleeping with this man every night soon. Every night in the same bed… what if this never goes away? What if I spend every night having a restless sleep or no sleep at all? What if he gets angered by my lack of intimacy that he decides to leave?

It’s like I’m more than capable of giving love but as for accepting love in – I just can’t do it. Some days, I wonder if I’m even capable of accepting love, because the people I have always had in my life have always ended up being spoilt by me, I give them the best of who I am and in turn get the worst of them or given little time, love or affection.

When I look back at the relationships I’ve had, the ones where the men loved me and treated me like a princess, were the ones I pushed away or got an ‘icky feeling’ about. The ones who let me be, where I was putting all the effort in and they rarely did – are the ones that I still miss or am still upset that the relationships didn’t work.

I know this is directly linked to my mother. When she was nice to me and when she did treat me with love and affection, it was closely followed by a spurt of abuse. I am sure this has large psychological effects, but through all the years of counselling and seeing psychologists, this is one thing that has never been addressed or brought up.

I’m such a big hypocrite and I’m starting to realise that I cry wolf and beg my partner to show me he loves me, but when he does, I push it away, feel uncomfortable or find a fault or flaw in his affection.

I know this is a horrible thing to do and detrimental to our relationship, but I honestly just don’t know how to make that nagging little feeling go away for good.

So here is my question to all you wise readers out there, what do I do? What are the little steps I need to take to be able to let this man love me without having this rising sense of fear/anxiety.

To Be

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There’s a part of me that wants to pull away
That wants to say goodbye to the world as I know it.

No i don’t mean forever… I mean for a while… until this all blows over and until everyone reaches the age I’m mentally at already

When I was child I used to cry and cry and cry.

I would scream at my dad

I would blame him for my mind.

I always knew I learnt things alot sooner before anyone else
I knew I was different
That my mind thought too much and my words flowed more than they should have

All i wanted was to be simple
To be like every other child

I didn’t want to be under a school desk in Grade 5 having a mental break down because I had to go back to my mothers.

I wanted to be happy, to be careless, to be free.

I had responsibility since the day I was born, to look after those around me.

To see what others couldn’t and to realise the truth before anyone else did.
I hate it.

I want to be naive.
I want to hide and run away until everyone I care about understands where I am coming from.

I know that wil never happen… but I get lonely.

I get lonely in my thoughts and words.

Regardless of those who tell me I’m right and wise beyond my years…
I want to be normal. I want to be my age.

Naive, simple and pure.

My Ideal

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About 6 years ago, I sat down with my beautiful friend V and had a discussion that changed my life forever.   V is one of those people who everyone who meets her, falls in love with her warmth and wisdom.  She continuously teaches me how to be a loving person and how to forgive and move forward.

One late evening, I found myself with V at a McCafe most likely having a chocolate frappe and discussing the latest heartbreak we were both recovering from.

Then and there V decided it would be a good decision to stop dating people who failed to meet our standards because one way or another these men wound up hurting us and we were honestly getting too fat from the amount of junk food and chocolate cocktails we consumed over heartbreak conversations.

At first, I was really hesitant to make such a list because I thought surely this list is just going to be too hard for any man to meet.  I knew I had high expectations and also didn’t think very highly of myself at the time so thought that no matter what I put on that list, no man would ever tick all the boxes.

As the years passed, I found myself re-reading the list from time to time and laughing at how impossible it was when I was trying to convince myself that the person I was dating was my life partner.  I also found myself reading it and tried to compromise this list as I thought that maybe just maybe I was too harsh or asked for too much.

Little did I know, what I was doing, trying to compromise qualities and traits that made my ideal man, was actually just belittling myself and telling myself it was ok to settle for second best.

The truth is, someone out there did exist, I just hadn’t met them yet.  I continuously met men who fell short of the mark and told myself it was ok and then in turn ended up getting heart broken.

Here is the original list:

1. emotionally developed/prepared
2. strong mentally and physically
3. happy to spend a whole day in bed with me just dozing in and out of sleep
4. happy to spend all night talking about anything and everything
5. loves to have a great night out without getting trashed
6. looks attractive scruffy (loose hair, not shaved) but also shapes up well when groomed
7. know how to separate work and personal life and doesn’t bring the stress from work home every night
8. doesn’t hold grudges (forgives but never forgets)
9. creatively blessed
10. understands my sense of humour and has a good laugh
11. his smile lights up the world
12. ambitous to succeed
13. enjoys his work
14. understands the importance of independence but know when to depend on me and is there for me to depend on
15. willing to make an effort
16. spontaneous lover
17. passionate
18. loves adventure and new experiences
19. broadens my mind
20. isn’t extremely emotional but isn’t callous either
21. willing to confide in me
22. has a good circle of friends
23. understands the importance of family and unity
24. willing to surprise me without telling me there is a surprise in store
25. honest, genuine and open
26. has an appreciation of history and different cultures
27. a dedicated hard worker
28. Speaks of his exes as ladies – doesn’t refer to them in any demeaning terms
29. Has strong direction on where his career is going
30. Has a car or a reliable form of transport
31. Sticks to his word – does what he says he will all the time
32. Is willing to spend money to have a good time but knows where to draw the line
33. Does not make me sacrifice/cull my shoe collection
34. Has a good taste in fashion (but NOT metro)
35. Appreciates my family and is more than willing to commit to them when he commits to me
36. Will be my best friend first and my lover second
37. Puts his 2 cents worth in
38. Is able to sustain conversation in any social scenario
39. Can converse with a broad range of people
40. Does not question my words and understands it is solely creative outlet
41. Does not swear every second word
42. Keeps up to date with the news and current world affairs
43. Takes the time and effort to make love
44. Does not make me feel used after sex
45. Kisses me everyday before he leaves, and greets me with a kiss
46. Is willing to kiss me/hold my hand/carry me in public
47. Not afraid to ask me/take me on a date and insists to pay for everything
48. Listens
49. Accepts that when I’m hormonal it’s not him or us, it’s just hormones!
50. Has a good taste in music – not just what is on the radio
51. Is willing to talk and work things out, learn from the mistakes, admit fault (where necessary), apologise and move on.
52. Has eyes I just get lost in
53. Doesn’t have any bad addictions or substance abuse
54. Has life experience and has learnt from the past
55. Well educated and always striving to learn more
56. Loves live music
57. Understands the importance of having separate lives but also sharing one together
58. Keeps to his word
59. Is not two-faced
60. Treats me with the utmost respect at home and in public
61. Always introduces me as his partner
62. Romantic like an old-school gentlemen (opens doors, pulls out chairs etc.)
63. Returns calls/messages
64. Makes me feel secure in his feelings towards me
65. Talks to me first about any concerns with our relationship
66. Accepts my need for time/space when I’m angry
67. Thinks I’m beautiful naked and without any make-up on
68. Tells me constantly how grateful he is of little things I do when I go out of my way to make him happy/surprise him.
69. Does not have any baggage with exes
70. Does not flirt with anyone and everyone
71. Challenges me
72. Stimulates my mind
73. Appreciates nature and actively open to bushwalking, 4wd adventures etc.
74. Can teach me things I never knew
75. Has traveled
76. Is able to make decisions on where to go and what to do without my input
77. Likes to take me out to a nice Mediterranean/Italian restaurant with a bottle of red/white wine every once in while but is also up for a quiet DVD night with Pizza and coke.
78. Does not feel sorry for me/my past and understands it has made me the person I am today
79. Does not dwell on the past of what could’ve been
80. Learns from mistakes

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The amazing thing about writing a list like this, is understanding that these are values that you shouldn’t just look for in a life partner, but that you should posses yourself and that you should equally look for in friends.

When we first started dating, I tried my very best to push him away. I made excuses to not enter in a relationship because we met by chance a week after I had my heart shattered. While we dated for about 3 months or so, I continuously led him on – I told several of my friends that this man was everything I had ever wanted but something didn’t feel right…

(A) I wasn’t over my ex
And (b) I believed that I didn’t deserve this wonderful man … That he would soon think of me as I did myself.

The truth is, I called things off early on and told him I just wanted to be friends because I couldn’t stand the thought of not spending time together but I wasn’t emotionally ready to let someone else in.

Weeks passed and it wasn’t until I had a conversation with one of the most inspirational women I know, that things changed. My dear friend Tracey knew I deserved this mans love and attention and that he was so willing to give. She told me to wake up and realize that the only thing holding me back was me – I didn’t want to be happy or loved because I didn’t think I was worthy of it. She asked me what more could I want in a man – and when I couldn’t answer she said, if you don’t take him someone else will and you will always regret not giving it a shot. I am so damn thankful every day for that conversation.

Meeting someone who ticks all these boxes, who loves me unconditionally, who is a man that I adore, admire and look up to every day, who is my best friend, is life changing.

While I continuously dated men who didn’t meet these standards, I was also allowing toxicity in all forms into my life.  I was working in jobs that I hated where I was bullied and harassed. I stood by friends who were disloyal, immoral and two faced.  I let myself believe that I wasn’t worthy of anyone or anything unless it was toxic and unhealthy.  In turn, I let go of  some amazing people unintentionally because they could see how toxic my life was and knew they wouldn’t allow that in their own lives.  c7817b26e44929f43f68e3e115e6a30d

While meeting someone who has treated me like no one else ever has, is such a rewarding time in my life, it is also very bittersweet because I have  learnt quickly how I should have always been treated by friends, family and ex lovers.   It has become obvious who is meant to be in your life – there are those who are simply there for the ‘good times’, those who are only in your life because you’ve never had the courage to let go and those in your life because of the mutual love and respect you share.

These last few months have been hard because I’ve started to see true colours of a lot people who entered my life when I hated myself.  I realised they valued me as much as I valued myself back when we met, which was not very much.  I began to realise that the people you choose to have in your life are a reflection of yourself – and I hated that reflection.  The reflection I wanted was in the man who swept me off my feet.e5fec70b9e2c89e939aeb26775a9c524

I now can see so much clearer when I am with him.  I have learnt that I will no longer settle for anything less than happiness, honesty and loyalty when it comes to all aspects of my life.  His love has taught me that I do deserve good things because if someone this amazing can choose me over everyone else, than perhaps I should start choosing myself first.

The best part of this story: on November 22, 2014 Peter and myself were completely honored to travel down to GC to watch my friend V marry the man of her dreams.  So perhaps, if you find yourself continuously disappointed or let down, you should make a list yourself and don’t settle until your ‘list’ comes along in human form.  There is nothing wrong with wanting the best for yourself – it isn’t selfish it is simply self preservation.  The most rewarding part is, when that person comes along – every single person in your life who adores you, will adore them too and it will feel as if everything is just as it is meant to be.

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Lessons in Friendships

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Recently, I was really hurt by the actions of a few people who I had considered friends, even good friends at one point in my life.
These are people who I constantly stood up for when others were putting down, constantly praised and let them know I cared about them and even let them stay in my place when they were traveling.

Their actions to talk about me behind my back profusely putting me down and then simply ‘delete’ me out of their lives, hurt immensely.

I wasn’t even given an explanation or a chance to understand the reasoning, which was the worst part – because obviously whatever had been said behind my back had been enough to make these people decide I was no longer worthy of their friendship.

This took a massive toll on my happiness and my life the weeks preceding.

It made me wonder how people can be so callous and just rid people of their lives when they no longer serve a purpose. More so, how a group of adults can ‘gang up’ on one person and leave them out and gossip about them in what resembles a high school ‘clique’.

My partner and several of my friends kept telling me that it is not worth the stress, that if they were decent enough people they would have given me an ‘explanation’ or at least had the decency to raise the issue instead of simply outing me without a word.

The little optimist in me is trying to figure out what I can learn from this experience, and I think I may have found out what it is.

Like any negative experience in life, it has changed my perspective and if anything, made my heart a bit stronger and my head a bit harder.

There are lessons that I have learnt that from here on in, will hopefully ensure that I am not hurt the way I have been recently, because I am better than that.

(1) Accept That People Change and Not Always For The Better
As we get older and different life events occur, our tastes and likes change.  This is also shaped by our career choices/jobs, hobbies and relationships.  Just think, who you chose as friends when you were maybe 5 or 6 would have been for completely different reasons than who you choose today. Sometimes we just have to move on and accept that a person we once loved and cared for dearly is just not the same person we see today – don’t try to hold on to someone who no longer exists; it will only cause pain.

Some relationships do have expiry dates, and you really need to just accept that sometimes that is the case.  Do the right thing first though and give that person the benefit of the doubt and raise the concerns you have with them – then make your decision from there.

But be honest and true to yourself – if that person is not someone you want in your life, let them go… don’t ignore the warning signs that this friendship is over.

(2) Ignorance is Not Bliss
If friends or loved ones start doing things that you personally don’t agree with or understand, and it’s not just a once off, maybe it’s time to consider if this friendship is all it’s fired up to be and if you really want that person in your life.

Don’t ignore warning signs – if you wouldn’t accept your brother or sister doing these things, or even your partner, than why should you accept a friend doing them?

A big thing I am aware of is how someone talks about other people behind their backs and how honest they are.  If someone constantly talks about other people behind their backs to you in demeaning and derogatory terms, there is a very good chance they’ll do the same to you as soon as possible.  If they do not understand the importance of honesty and respect to someone they consider a ‘friend’ then why should they treat you any different?

Don’t play ignorant to who someone really is – if they are sweet to others faces then malicious behind their backs, don’t let their sweetness to your face fool you.  Be very careful what you trust this person with and how much of yourself you give them – as they will probably only take it for granted.

(3) Learn Who Is Who – Soul Mate, Good Friend and Acquaintance
A big issue I always face is that I become blindsided to the things people do that I don’t agree with or don’t necessarily like.  I make excuses for people I like and I don’t re-asses that persons role in my life until they really cause me to – or they ‘break up’ with me first.  It hurts, because most people will rid others quite quickly and easily (as I’ve just been proven) and won’t even give a second thought to it.

For years I was defending this girl who I considered a good friend when really she was nothing more than an acquaintance. In the end I gave this girl too much power to hurt me, and that is what she did very well.

When I look back on it now – particularly now that this girl has shown her ‘true colours’ to me, I really had no reason to defend this girl or even consider her a friend.2b382e99ce017747e20febf6953f39d1

When I think about it, she really was the epitome of someone I would have utterly no respect for, yet I found myself defending her time and time again solely because she was a really sweet, nice girl … at least to my face.

There is nothing wrong with being friends with people who have different life goals or life experiences, but the biggest mistake I made was thinking that this person would understand and appreciate my friendship.  It turned out pretty nasty with her saying some horrible things behind my back and in turn whispering into ears of some other people I thought would be big enough to make their own mind up over situations, rather than solely taking her spin on it as gospel.

There are people in life that you can truly consider soul mates, people that you can consider good friends and people that are meant to be acquaintances.  It’s super important not to confuse these boundaries and not to let people in further than they are meant to be – because in turn, there will be a lot of confusion due to difference in opinions and this will only result in fights or heart break.

It’s not that one person is right and the other is wrong – it’s simply that we are entitled to differences of opinion but the way one person construes your actions and words may in fact be entirely incorrect but that is based on their life experiences and what they would do/say in the same situation. It takes a lot of effort and patience to continuously clarify their interpretation of what you have said or done, and sometimes it’s just not worth it.

Instead – let them think what they want – they probably don’t deserve to be such a big part of your heart and life anyway if they consistently put a negative spin on everything you do or say and misconstrue this to make their actions seem saintly. These people should never pass the ‘acquaintance’ phase.

Your soul mates will have been through similar circumstances in life and therefore will see your soul and the good intention behind your actions.  They will understand you to your core and you will rarely ever find yourself apologizing or explaining your actions or words to them.

Good friends on the other hand are those people that maybe you’ve been friends with so long that you don’t remember how you met – but you have a mutual respect and love for each other.  Sometimes you might have disagreements due to misunderstanding but you both honestly know that your life would be much worse without that person in it.  That the person is a great asset to your life and you genuinely care about them understanding you if they have misunderstood something and taken it the wrong way.

To be honest, my best friends weren’t necessarily my ‘soul mates’ up until now and some friends I see more often than others don’t even hold that status.  But I know the need for boundaries and making clear my intentions behind my actions with these people so I don’t end up causing unnecessary hurt.

(4) Be Honest but Tactful
The biggest thing I have learnt this year is that there are a lot of people that live their lives with their heads in the sand and would rather avoid any conflict than be honest and truthful.

It is a heartbreaking lesson I have learnt as I end up being ‘the bad guy’ in many instances where I am the only one who is straight forward and honest with someone based on an issue many people are having.  Although it seems there are a lot of people who would prefer to gossip and talk about others behind their backs, you need to decide if you would be ok if someone was doing this to you.  If the answer is no, then don’t do it to someone else.

I am sometimes a bit too brutally honest and don’t hold back and this is where tact comes in.  You have to learn the right circumstances and right time to tell someone a truth which they may not want to hear – and in the meant time, don’t go an gossip or bitch to others or hold off until it boils and you let it out without any tact.

Take time to breathe and assess whether the perceived issue is a real issue, whether it is your issue or someones else’s and if it is your place to discuss this with the person.  Also, make sure that you’re not just relying on what others are saying because I can GUARANTEE this will result in you being blamed for others words being put in your ear.

You can’t be honest on behalf of everyone – only yourself.

(5) Know Who You Are
I know I drone on and on about this, but the truth is, when someone leaves your life for better or for worse, you need to know who you are without them in your life.  You need to be confident in yourself to know when you need to apologise or when you need to move on.  If you don’t know yourself, then you will let anyone who enters your life shape you and change you and it will be much easier to lose friends this way than any other way.

Know what you love, what makes you happy, who makes you happy and then continue living your life without that person.

I made the tough decision to move to Brisbane when I had just finished school and lost a lot of friends along the way.  I then made the harder decision of leaving Brisbane to come back to Mackay just before I turned 22 and in turn lost even more friends.

I didn’t notice this loss straight away but over the years, it seems that I am learning that it is hard to maintain any kind of long distance relationship – sooner or later you need to accept that you are no longer as close as you used to be to people who live 1000km away from you.

I constantly puf676ed79040540c759c0eb60170f29c0t in effort and time with my friends in Brisbane and it was only recently that someone brought up “how many times have your Brisbane friends visited you?” … it really got me thinking and I actually got quite upset and angry that while I would go down on spare weekends and in holidays and birthdays to visit some people I considered my ‘friends’, it was never reciprocated.

I’m not angry anymore, but having realised this, I’m more open with myself as to the strength of certain relationships and their commitment to me and from there have been able to decide how willing I am to open my heart to them.

I am a strong believer that everyone who enters your life, enters for a reason and if they leave – they leave for a reason too.

You can’t be friends with everyone but you can be friends with the right people who will only enhance your life if you just listen to yourself and your instincts.

So while I may have been shunned and ignored by a few people, I have learnt a great deal about who I really want and actually deserve in my life.  Hopefully, from here on in, I’m a bit more selective.
Last but not least, KNOW who you want in your life and who you don’t…

I want people who have a zest for life – not just living.  Who embrace the world and new found people in a way that celebrates them, not belittles them.  I want people who understand the importance of once in a lifetime events and cherish and treasure sentimentality over things of monetary value.  I want people who are hard working, willing to take risk, have passion and drive to do what they love and create things of beauty.  I want people who have traveled, if not the world at least their soul.

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I only want people in my life, who want to be loved and treated like a friend.  Who are willing to hear the harsh truth rather than live life in a small rut with backstabbers and two faced, small minded people who are only ever ‘nice’ without any critiscm or truth in their words.  I only want people in my life who are TRUE to themselves and their desires – who don’t back down the minute someone enters their life that has a different opinion.  Who know what they want, who they want and where they want to be in life and are willing to get it.  I don’t want to sit there and question a friends continuously confusing choices because who they have told me they are is completely different to who they are – or maybe the don’t even know themselves.

I don’t want leeches… life suckers.. those that only know pessimism, negativity and mediocre.  I don’t want weaklings who have only survived thus far by relying on everyone else and have never had to stand on their own two feet.  I don’t want to be part of ‘The Plastics’ or the clique if it means backstabbing those who are closest to me and acting so two faced you can’t remember who you have lied to and who you haven’t.  I don’t want untrust-worthy. I don’t want deceit. I don’t want people who are simply ‘comfortable’ with their life, their choices, their job and their partner… those that take life for granted and believe they are simply owed this life.

I don’t want people who want recognition or reward without effort – and I mean real effort and work. I don’t want people who feel as though they are ‘experienced’ by association of someone else who has suffered hardships.  I don’t want ‘victims’ or ‘cry-babies’.  We all have hardships and we all choose how we deal with these and how we manage – we choose whether we simply survive or if we thrive.

Most of all.. I want to be able to look at my friends and say ‘WOW’.
Everyday I already feel so lucky and incredibly blessed to have met some amazing people in my life and to consider some of these people my friends.  From here on in, only those that inspire me, move me and mutually love and respect me will deserve a place in my life and in my heart.  People who can’t handle the truth, who want to constantly think negatively of me and paint me to be a monster I am not – you can quite frankly leave and never return.  I am done.

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How I Know I’m Getting Old

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Yes, at the ripe old age of 24 … I have come to the realization that I am in fact … Old …

No I don’t shit my pants or have erection problems (I lie, I haven’t had sex in god knows how long so that in it self is an erection problem); but as I grow I am noticing things around me change.

My perception alone has changed a lot, but more than that my taste, my tolerance levels and my overall desires have incredibly and vastly changed since I was 18.

So here is my list of signs that you are inevitably getting older and uglier…

Me vs My Little Sister In Public

Me vs My Little Sister In Public

1) Clothing
I’ve been quite a sensible dresser for a few years, thanks to working in the corporate world, but I still find it funny when my little sister and I clash over opinion of clothing.  The other day we went shopping and while she wore a stunning outfit, had a beautiful face of makeup and was adorned in jewellery I wore a band shirt, some denim shorts and flats and hadn’t brushed my hair or applied makeup.

For her, going out shopping is a chance to make a statement about her style. But for me, it’s an unenjoyable chore. If I don’t have to put effort in, I won’t. I’d rather be comfortable, sans make up and in and out as quickly as possible.

I think looking at younger generations and not understanding their fashion is an age old sign of getting old – but man, does it ring trueDSC_3761-copy1! I honestly do not understand the need for girls to have shorts so small that their ass cheeks are hanging out and their vagina flaps are swaying in the wind… I was driving past a bunch of girls the other day and I couldn’t tell if they were going to a music festival or a strip club… I laughed when my baby sister said, “They look like skanky hoes…” (probably not appropriate language for a 7 year old but still hilarious)

In the words of Yves Saint Laurent, “fashions fade – style is eternal”; as you get older – this rings more true.

(2) I’m Gonna Pop Some Tags
My best friend sent me a message at how excited she was about her latest shop. I laughed because I cannot remember the last time I went on a shopping spree. She elaborated moments later by explaining how excited she was over how much she had saved and what am awesome sale Big W had on.

This is a sign you are getting old – you would rather SAVE money and only buy items on sale, instead of talking about how expensive and exclusive one item it is.

You get excited to go to KMart, Big W and Best and Less because really – who has the time or money to splurge at Myer? It’s like you have a lightbulb moment and you realise it’s all the same shit with different labels or brands on it – so why bother paying more for the same ?

On top of this, shopping for decor, gardening or home wares becomes much more exciting than anything else.

(3) Going to The Chapel.. and We’re Gonna Get… 
(i secretly hope you sung that song then in you’re head)
Obviously when everyone arMjAxMi1iNWEzMzAxNDYwYzI5Mzcxound you starts having babies and getting married you’re probably at that age that it’s expected.

However I think your mentality changes – instead of being jaded because how dare Lisa and Mike get married when Alfred and I have been dating for twice as long, you are actually just genuinely happy for your loved ones and friends.

The thought of being invited and participating in the most important day of someone’s life actually makes ycd972b419c81341112764cb52827ac2aou so incredibly happy inside and gives you little butterflies – not to mention all the free alcohol and hot random wedding sex.

Then comes the babies …

When one of my best friends had her baby, I felt this amazing sense of love for this little human that I barely knew – it was such a weird feeling and I still don’t understand it. But I think it’s because you love and admire this child’s parents so much that you cannot help but adore this bundle of human skin and poo…

(4) Bedtime is The Shit
I mean this. I actually get excited for bed from the moment I leave it.

It’s like a fluffy haven of warmth and love that will never let me down.

I honestly can’t remember the last time I stayed out clubbing or drinking past 12… I’d much rather have a good nights sleep and no hangover…. Thankkkk you very much!

(5) Wine and Cheese, Please
How amazing is wine and cheese ??
I remember being a kid and even the smell of wine made me want to vomit and Camembert was the equivalent of squashed maggot guts… Yeah … That’s how much I hated it.

Now I’m much older, the thought of opening a bottle of Cab Sauv on a Friday night or sitting down with some friends with a plate if Brie, Feta and Camembert is the ideal social setting.

(6) They Call Me The Ironchef
Ask me two years ago what I could cook, the answer would be 2 minute noodles. These days I’m literally the iron chef. I get so excited to make exciting new dishes and get my family’s reactions and thoughts on how to improve.  Seeing other people enjoy what I make, is so rewarding.

It’s like a whole new world of creation and exploration … And food is amazing – end of story.

(7) Sex? Meh
Casual Sex and the thought of it is just too tiring for me these days.

From someone who had a few … ermm… ‘friends with benefits’… scheduled in on different nights of the week, when I lived in Brisbane, the fact that casual sex just bores me these days would be pretty shocking td05afe45ed5dbdbfc8564d3802d845b9o a few people.

I love sex, I do. In fact I pride myself on how well I please my man, when I’m in a relationship.

But spending time and effort on someone I barely know – it actually irks me these days.

I used to like casual sex, but I realised I don’t like the aftermath. The awkward cuddles and kisses. I don’t want to kiss your mouth – I don’t even like you beyond your penis and what you do with it. I’d rather just get it done, have fun and leave. I don’t want to “snuggle” or talk and pretend there is anything more than a sexual connection between us.

Another light bulb moment you have as you get older is how amazing sex is with someone when there is a deep connection beyond just a physical attraction.  Casual sex can end up feeling so hollow and pointless – particularly if they don’t know what they’re doing or know what works for you.

I have decided It’s just too hard and complicated these days  to find the desire to have a one night stand… And really a vibrator does a better job than most males I have met.

(8) If You Can Learn To Do It, I Can Learn To Do It
I feel so inspired and excited to learn or try new things. I just built a veggie patch, started hockey again, I’m trying to learn a new language and I want to know how to use a circular saw…

Ask me to do any of these things as a teenager or as a young twenty something… I could not be bothered.

All of a sudden it’s like a new zest for life comes back. You realise how awesome Betterc5a914384dafcb9a5e20bebe3a912eb4 Homes and Gardens really is. Pinterest is your best friend. You begin to look for new hobbies or things to do, because “why not?” – maybe it’s also based on a fear that we’re getting older and should have more life skills to teach our children or show off to our friends…

Or perhaps it we have a realisation at some point, that these people who know how to sew, build, saw, canoe, cook, speak five different languages – all began somewhere.  They’re not ‘legends of myth’ but just real people who drink, eat, sleep and shit just the way we all do.

All I know is learning something new, building or creating something with your own bare hands or mind, is really liberating and invigorating.

(9) Club Can’t Even Handle Me Right Now
Like literally.. the club can’t handle me, because they fucking kick me out when I get ridiculously drunk by 11pm and cry to a bouncer about how I just got dumped and how no one will ever love me.

But seriously, I have reached a point where going out dancing, clubbing, crumping and twerking just does not do it for me.  On top of this, you have to play a dangerous game of ‘will I be a paedophile if I talk to/touch that cute boy over there’ because all of a sudden, everyone is younger than you!

I’ve also noticed everyone these days is just too cool for school.  They sit in a corner, get drunk, walk around in circles checking out the ‘scenery’ and wait until some hot guy/girl is drunk enough to have the courage to talk to them.

Meanwhile, I’m just doing my ‘T-Rex’ stalking behind guys…

(10) Date? No, I Prefer Sultanas.

One thing that is inevitable when you get older, is your tolerance levels change.. they rise for certain people and scenarios and extremely decrease in others.  Dating is one where I have found my tolerance levels have extremely decreased.

When I was much younger I was so excited at the prospect of being asked out on a date.  I spent days before hand figuring out what to wear, planning what i would say, training myself to not show him my cool ability of being able to ‘quack’ like a duck if the conversation got boring.. and try my best NOT to sleep with them on the first date.   There were hours and hours of effort I put in to these dates, even though 9/10 were absolute duds who couldn’t even afford to pay for my dinner.

85335c13771418909e2442bc5a513127These days, I cannot be bothered ‘hooking up’ or ‘dating’.  The whole idea or thought of letting someone in, putting in all that time and effort for little guaranteed satisfaction is just too wasteful for me to bother.

I like meeting new people, and I’ve been on a few dates since being single again.  But I find myself struggling to even care or to even make the effort.  I actually even asked one guy if I had to shower after my hockey game before having dinner with him…

My issue, that I’ve just uncovered thanks to a great conversation with my exes mother today, I’m too impatient to let a relationship take it’s natural course.

I am straight forward and don’t have time to waste wondering if someone likes me or not.  I don’t want to continuously go on ‘dates’ with someone for three months and wonder if we’re ready to be ‘facebook offical’ yet.  If you invite me over, I’m not going to hold my pee in and die of .. pee related diseases (it is possible, right?).  I’m not going to get up in the morning first, brush my teeth, apply makeup, brush my hair and lie back in bed like I just naturally wake up gorgeous.  If you’re going to be with someone in the long term, you’re going to see them in their rawest and unsexiest state. So I will be my honest and rawest self from the start so as to avoid any disappointment down the track.

The issue apparently with this is it leaves no mystery, if you give someone everything from the start – there is nothing more of you for them to discover.  There’s no want or desire for them to try and pry more out of you, when you lay it all flat on the table. It’s like buying a see through Kinder Surprise and not getting to even eat the chocolate… how effing boring!

The matter of the fact is, when you get older, part of you wants that eternal relationship.. but part of you also realises that when the time is right, it will happen.  Anything forced seems to end up in heartbreak and hurt, yet anything that happens on the whim, or spontaneous, is fun.  Meeting new people is great, but just because you date someone doesn’t mean you have to continue dating them.  You learn that it is ok to let people go and to just ‘be friends’ or to completely cut ties with people who have no purpose in your life.

It’s a bullshit fairytale we’re fed when we’re young that we are only ‘complete’ when we find our ‘true love’. If you’re waiting for that, I have bad news for you.  You’re the only person who can ‘complete’ yourself.  Figure out what is missing in your life, and go and freaking do it! Don’t say, “oh I want a tall dark man, who likes to swim with sharks and plays guitar”.  Most of the time what we want in other people is what we are lacking in ourselves.  So go out there and swim with sharks, learn how to play guitar and hell! even get a freaking sex change! (ok.. no seriously don’t do that, it’s too expensive… but hey onn the plus side you might win Eurovision?). 127978-8f18b89a-d955-11e3-917f-8bca2ad8cf46
(11) You Actually Understand How Important It Is to Love Yourself

It’s told to us a million times when we’re younger, but it only sinks in when we’re much older – LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU LOVE ANYONE ELSE.

When I was much younger, I didn’t understand why anyone wanted to date me, sleep with437124b298501b8a10f07ae0aedf423d me or even talk to me.  So I thought that this person was amazing for wanting to do so, and didn’t know if anyone else would want to sleep with me and found myself in quite a bit of trouble and bad situations as well as a head full of regret.  I didn’t think what I had or who I was, was very special or important or worth holding on to…. I treated myself like a bargain bin lipstick.  I proceeded to be treated accordingly not only in personal relationships, but also at work – I let people treat me like I had no value so it didn’t matter if they bruised me, broke me or destroyed me.

If you don’t learn to love yourself as an adult you will let everyone walk all over you.  You’re going to give away your goods like they are $1 specials at Coles – and no one, NO ONE wants cheap, shit.  WE want a quality person to have fun with, not someone who feels so desperate and vulnerable they throw themselves at anyone who pays them attention.

 

In Conclusion… 

Getting old is not a burden or a curse.  It is a blessing and one that a lot of people never get to experience.

So embrace yourself, your lessons learned and your hardships because they are all making you a stronger, wiser, better you.

 

Go get em tiger xo

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Expectations Will Kill You

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When I was much younger I would look at the future and place great expectations on myself.  I thought that by the age of 25 I would be married and on the way to having kids.

I just turned 24 and as each day goes by I realise more and more of how much of a silly expectation that was.

A couple of years ago, I had a massive break down with one of my exes because I told him I didn’t feel like he was putting enough effort in.  That there was a lack of ‘romance’ and that this was his fault.  At the time, he listened and then promptly left – leaving me shaking in shock, physically ill and in deep regret of what I had said.   Part of me realised that this was my fault, moreso than his.  Within a few days, we had sorted through my insecurities and the relationship lasted for another 2 or so years until it reached it’s natural expiry date when we realised we didn’t have the strength as a couple to move on to the next phase of our relationship.

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When it comes to relationships and life in general, we are all swayed by media, comparisons to other people and Hollywood ideals that set unrealistic expectations. I thought it was only women, but I’m beginning to realise more and more that males are also very much influenced by these outside forces as much as women in some circumstances.

Hollywood and global corporations have manufactured a lot of expectations, particularly in regards to our physical appearance and relationships, to make a few bucks here and there and thrive off our willingness to devour whatever they deliver.

 

Think of engagements, traditionally a diamond wasn’t the ‘rock’ of choice that men bought their fiancées.  Engagement or betrothal dowries stem far back in time, and varied from livestock to pieces of clothing as well as jewellery.  It wasn’t until the 1930s that De Beers used ‘diamond rings’ as the be all and end all when proposing to your future wife.  A very effective advertising campaign and a strong focus in Hollywood movies has led to diamonds being the accepted minimum standard in todays society for proposals.

It seems there is more value placed on the size of the diamond and how pretty the ring is rather than the fact that two people have agreed to make a lifelong commitment together… which to me, holds just a tad more value.

Don’t even get me started on weddings! Couples these days are spending $30k on average on ‘one day’ of their lives before they even have a house deposit saved, because Hollywood and society have manufactured this extroadinarily expensive belief that this ‘one day’ is the most important day of your life and therefore it is ok to spend what could be money on a solid investment, on decorations and making guests ‘jealous’ of what you have conjured up.

I have always preferred the idea of eloping to be honest.

When it comes to relationships, it’s just perfectly normal to place expectations on what you hope to achieve out of it, but sometimes these expectations are completely unhealthy and will leave you more miserable than happy on a constant basis.

Hollywood also tells us there is meant to be ‘a spark’ or that we’re meant to ‘just know when you find the one’.  I’m sorry but I really don’t buy into that bullshit.  The amount of movies where men just fall in love with the woman within a week or two and are ready to have babies is so far from the truth.   Or scenes where men are walking down the street, spot ‘the one’ and it’s true love from that point onwards.

Yes, sometimes this does happen in real life – but these days people on average are dating a lot longer than historically before they even make that decision.  The average time from dating to engagement used to be six to fourteen months; these days the average is 2.8 years.   It’s not like these men just wake up one day and say, ‘hey she’s the one’… It is based on a relationship full of hard work and love, a mutual respect for each other and knowing that the other person’s happiness is just as important if not more important and tied directly to your own happiness.  However, Hollywood would have us believe that their is no value in a long term ‘relationship’ unless you are married or engaged and even then, the longer you take before getting engaged or before getting married, is obviously BAD for the relationship and a sign of weakness in the relationship.

Hollywood would have us believe that unless there is a ‘spark’ there is no  value in the relationship – that it is destined to end badly. There are too many expectations placed on ‘sparks’ or ‘sudden realisations’ rather then the feeling of joy and happiness someone gives you, the strength of your friendship,  the passion in the bedroom, the physical attraction, the willingness of two people to work through difficult tasks,  the respect and love your family and friends have for them,  the laughter you share and the moments that make lifelong memories.  I will always place more value on these important aspects of a relationship than I will on some Hollywood notion that I’m meant to feel ‘a spark’.

Sure when I was a teenager this ‘spark’ was something I believed in, but as I got older and experienced my fair share of heartbreak, I started to realise what I valued more and what actually made a strong relationship work.  A spark was important in the start, but beyond the first couple of dates there are far more important values that you need to look for.  A spark isn’t going to get you through the years, but deep commitment, mutual respect and friendship will.

When looking for a partner, you’re looking for much more than a notion that ‘they may be the one’ because to be honest, there may be more than just ‘one’ out there for you.  It’s a stupid notion to think that there is only one person in the whole world that is made for you – that would be such a tiring task to find them and one that majority of the population would not be able to complete before they died.  Oh, and if Hollywood has taught us anything, it is that everyone falls in love in New York, even though just under 50% of men and women in New York have NEVER been married.

If you base your expectations on what you THINK a relationship, career or your position in life is MEANT to be rather than what  you want it to be, then you are always going to get a gut wrenching feeling of guilt and confusion because what you have, even if it may be great, will never be good enough in comparison to what you think you should have/what society/hollywood tells you, you should have.

Did anyone ever maybe think that divorce statistics are so damn high because we have relied on media for so long to dictate our relationships rather than making our own minds up? Relationships of our grandparents lasted much longer, and I can’t help but feel it is because they didn’t grow up with TV or movies on hand, telling them day in and day out what a successful relationship had to look like.  They made their own minds up.

Trust me, the amount of times I’ve ended relationships or fought with exes because they weren’t putting ‘effort’ in was ridiculous.  My notion of ‘effort’ was romantic dinners every Friday night, random presents during the week, and the most mind blowing sex on a daily basis.  Instead of appreciating what effort the individual put in, in their own way, I was basing my expectation of ‘effort’ on what Hollywood had fed me since I can remember.

I still regret every fight I have had over this notion, and I wish I knew this much earlier because the amount of stress I put on past relationships when they didn’t live up to my Hollywood-ised expectations, was ridiculous.  I have hurt alot of really decent guys based on this.

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Instead, these days I have just learnt to take everyday one step at a time – allow yourself to just enjoy whatever goodness is being made available to you.  You deserve to be happy and deserve to have fun.  You don’t deserve to miss out on amazing opportunities because of some bullshit expectation you have been brainwashed to believe is a societal norm.

 

If you are happy in a relationship… then allow yourself to be happy.